PURPLE COLOURED GLASSES

windy waffle love-1

2012-01-24T12:52:00.000+05:30

It was yet another super windy day at Istanbul. But that had not deterred her from exploring and loving. Being more sensitive to cold than most people she knew, she struggled with the cold winds that thrashed the only part they could get, the face. Nonetheless, she braved it the whole day and had a dekko at the famous Topkapi palace, the best archaeology museum in the world and the creepy Basilica cistern, and by this time, it was raining too. Coming to Istanbul on a December week would not be great travel advice, but seeing the city when no one else has a beauty of its own.

Tired from the excursion, she warmed her feet by the heater and watched some more random language music on Viva TV and waited for him to get back. Tonight’s plan was to head to Ortakoy, a north western pretty village which boasts of a lovely pier. He came back and together they took the tram to Kabatas and then a bus to Ortakoy.

The village was scenic to say the least. Walking, not hand in hand but laughing and talking about the simplest things in life, the two lovers enjoyed each second of the windy night. She squealed at the sight of Gloria Jeans’ coffee shop but had a hookah from the local shop instead. He fell in love with the sea side coffee shop and pledged to come back, no matter how full he was after dinner.

A heady meal later, they walked towards the sea side coffee parlour but now they weren’t very sure about that last cup of tea. Maybe they couldn’t have it after all that food they had. His heart won over his head finally and they did sit right next to the splashing waves and had a typically strong Turkish cup of tea in the surreal coffee shop. She was ecstatic because yet another cat of the city had warmed and cosied up to her, much to the frustration of the burqa clad women and their men right behind their table who had tried to win its affection for a while now. There was a Jack Black look alike who preferred to stare at her rather than in his coffee cup. They made jokes in hindi and tons of photos and crazy winds later, she decided to go to the lane that was selling her favourite, waffles.

That was the beginning of the typical end to a happy date between these two.

2011-10-31T01:08:00.002+05:30

doesnt fit in. anymore.

the wait

2011-10-18T01:00:00.002+05:30

She waited outside the coffee shop for fifteen minutes, already regretting her decision to have come. She was cursing herself for the care she had taken to look nice today. A crisp mauve shirt with jeans. Her hair fell straight and silky. She had lined her eyes with kohl just the way he loved them. Used to love them. Well, she didn’t know anymore.

Clutching her bag, feeling downright stupid, humiliation now took over her being. He had changed his mind after asking her to come. He had always known that he wouldn’t come. He had done this just for a kick. That stung. Of all things, it shouldn’t be the last logic, she prayed to God silently.

After half an hour, a car came towards the parking lot next to her and parked itself. She looked towards it, not really expecting him. She just wanted to look and pretend busy for the ultimate five minutes which she had given herself.

It was him. He hadnt changed except for the fact that he had gained a little weight and looked like life had happened to him. The usual. Work pressure, family, money and the jazz. They take over the best of faces. They had claimed him too.

He didn’t smile, but walked with an expression she didn’t quite understand. It had been years, she realised. She suddenly thought of how she must be looking and immediately straightened up and smiled just a little. Together, they entered the shop without a word.

I was about to leave you know. Thought you werent coming.

Actually, I almost wasn’t. just couldn’t make myself come. Realised things weren’t as settled as I thought they were within.

Oh, you should have just messaged then. I would have understood.

You would? Since when have you started understanding what I feel?

Wow, rubbing it even now? How do you manage to?

You know, today when I was coming to meet you, she asked me where I was headed. I just couldn’t think of anything to say.

So, what did you say?

Meeting a friend. She believed me. I know it isn’t very far from the truth now, but still.

Yes, I don’t think we are friends. But we are connected. Still.

Don’t say that. I don’t want to be.

But I do. I like it. Somewhere within, we are still back there somewhere.

He looked deeply into her eyes and suddenly turned away.

You know what, lets go. I will drop you somewhere. I thought I was ready for this. But I am not. Call me a weak person again if you like.

Hey, please don't say that. And you are right. I will go myself, no worries. You take care.

Hmmm, you too. He got up first and headed to his car.

She kept sitting, blowing into the steam of her black coffee. Maybe he had felt the exact same way she had, like a rush from back then. Maybe he couldn’t bear to sit here with her anymore. Or maybe, he still loved her kohl lined eyes.

the need

2011-09-13T01:03:00.003+05:30

Was told by a friend that he needs to find love again. I felt for him and at once, thought for myself. Was it the same for me too? Couldnt think of anything to say but just that "You need to start. Start with a stranger even. Just begin." He didnt want to believe it. I insisted, half knowing if that was what was needed. At night, he smsed saying, 'Opened up to a colleague, saw her for what she was, a pretty nice girl, we even made plans for coffee. Seems she was equally lonely at the workplace."Maybe, just maybe, love can be found. Just look anywhere, its the easiest to find and the most difficult to have. But its always there. Belonging to different people sometimes, an excess for you at times, in the form of your beloved pet most of the times, but life is just brimming with love.I am glad he asked me about his need to find love again. Because I feel I found mine again.

the laughing heart

2011-09-09T02:00:00.000+05:30

your life is your life,don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission. be on the watch. there are ways out. there is a light somewhere. it may not be much light but, it beats the darkness. be on the watch. the gods will offer you chances. know them. take them. you can’t beat death but, you can beat death in life, sometimes. and the more often you learn to do it, the more light there will be. your life is your life. know it while you have it. you are marvelous, the gods wait to delight in you. -Charles Bukowski

Everyone is okay really.

2011-08-27T22:44:00.002+05:30

I dont expect you to understand a single word I say. I dont because I know every person is selfish. Every person wants the best for himself, even at the cost of what is important. It is ok if you dont think about me when protecting your interests.

I am ok if you pretend to not be able to hear me. I know you can hear me, and I know you understand. Its just that saying it loud will hurt you. So you let me be.
I forgive you.

I dont need to sleep with someone, I just need to sleep.

saying goodbye the right way-1

2011-06-27T00:11:00.002+05:30

God the tears are flowing freely. i cant tell you what this means to me. it means probably more than anything right now. my best friends are giving me farewell parties, i dont know what to acknowledge and what to cry about. i wish things were simple. i wish it was easy to forget. i wish the tears weren't so natural. and then, to remind myself that i had decided to be a shuturmurg. an ostrich that doesn't see what lies ahead. an ostrich that buries her head in the midst of an aandhi. the one who pretends aal iz well.

i am that ostrich. or at least i had wanted to be that ostrich. the feeling is strongly being overtaken by the same old me that cries, laughs and sometimes does both at the same time. its a shit feeling, trust you me. you can have a heartbreak, you can feel rejected, but leave your comfort zone and we will see how you take that. momma, poppa and the friends i made in these 26 years, the fear is, the void is easily filled. that is the fear.

i dont wanna sulk, i dont wanna cry but i am a helpless guy.
i am the human you see on the street. the one that cries and gets up on his feet.
the one that laughs and hugs a ton, the one that pretends all is well and then makes a run.
i am your ordinary man who cant take a goodbye. i am that miserable kid who fails and asks why.
i am the girl who will be what you please,
i am the one who will always need a lease.

this could have been easy, no?

26 is a number and i love maths

2011-06-09T00:48:00.003+05:30

i sing a little prayer for me. to the best of life and to manage the worst. food, love, dogs, friends, you and me..26 *deep breath* is a number. its the number 8, it has to be the best.
you didn't just arrive, you are here to stay.
Happy Birthday!

Green means 'go' for the 'red'

2011-05-16T00:12:00.003+05:30

so Didi won, and its a great feeling. to all those who really didnt want her at the helm, too bad. The lady has enough degrees to prove her worth, and her cotton sarees and loud voice cant be a justification of hating her. not when the so called bhodrolok is doing zilch for the state. and only a few of them are educated, rest are, umm, biman bose. irestmycase.

what stuns me is the support i see for the CPM party in the somewhat younger generation. people who have left the city, are doing well here, and are supporting the party back there anyway. the only logic being they cant support the uncouth Didi. i dont understand their mind or how it works or how they can be soo cynical, esp when they have nothing to show for their liking the old horses. but, i forgive them thinking they are the same people who live in delhi and badmouth it anyway. taam.

for me, what is real is that how 35 years back, a man came out of the city he was born in, the city he played football in, the city he called home. the same city where he decided to become a revolutionary, and the city that shunned him for it. of how he had to leave the city because the ruling party that taught story book communism, did actually not practise it. and what he believed in became what he was punished for.

it is the only real thing i know. the struggle, the nostalgia, the wanting to be back home but not being able to, to watch the city of joy become a tattered dream of yesterday, to live a frustrated life, to see your principles and political ethics cheat you in your very face, and to leave. all this for that one devil.

its good to win, it was time. anti people can wait and watch to throw the brickbrats. but, its a new dawn and one must hope.

where's that grip?

2011-05-11T00:05:00.004+05:30

fact is, one shouldn't care. it shouldn't hurt this much. the mind should not stop at odd hours like that. getting all numb in the middle of a busy street is very inconvenient.

one must put the mask on at all times. you let go just that once, and your show is over.

pretty up girl. dazzle that stupid crowd.

diving head first

2011-05-05T17:07:00.002+05:30

have never failed in class. have got very near to that in chemistry in class 11th though. have never been a back bencher, education wise. friends wise, have only had back benchers during a typically laid back phase..realised they are better friends than the studious ones..

anyway, am drifting. the point is, today i feel like i have failed in class, like i am the lowest scorer in a freaking class of 100..

not a good feeling. a feeling i want to shrug off..
deep breathe.

solitude

2011-04-24T23:48:00.005+05:30

this day, unlike most days, is a fine day. a day spent on the things loved most. found my old self in old letters, old greeting cards, promises unkept by you and me, love that was to be forever..a day of connection.

But a very lonely day. cant complain. asked for it. have let everything go wrong that can possibly go wrong. and now, there is so much to be done, yet again.

ah well, tomorrow is another day.

April Showers this isn't happiness.™

2011-04-20T23:25:00.001+05:30

April Showers this isn't happiness.™

Life, as of now.

moonwalking

2011-03-31T17:41:00.003+05:30

Ek ajeeb sa friday pana chhaya hua hai aj..jaise ki week ne khatam hona ka decision akele hi le liya ho..

At work after a very tiring and satisfying yesterday, I realised I can actually stay 24 hours without sleep. When I went to sleep at 5 in the morning today, I smiled thinking I could stay up a little more.

In the Metro, standing throughout, I even managed to nap a little.Amazing how human beings can make the most of something if they only try a bit.

At work, people thing am still not sober, but that is not true, I am just a little giddy with joy. I am shamelessly smiling for something that I didn't even do. Success is a sweet thing.

You could keep me on the streets today, and I wouldn't mind,
You could call me a tramp today, and I wouldn't mind..
Because the victory comes at a price, and no boy,
a little pain, a little toil, I don't mind..
Just be sure I don't start enjoying this misery,
It intoxicates me so..

Jeetega bhai jeetega

2011-03-28T19:00:00.008+05:30

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
The semi final is day after and I still haven't found a way out of that thing called work. Madness cannot be repeated in two consecutive weeks I am told. The ticket shall rot while I attend work on Wednesday. But no, I cant let this dominate me. Must.find.a.way.out.

Last week, it just happened. It fell in place like the pieces in a puzzle. The great game of cricket. It makes you do things. Never before have I been so grateful about striking a connection with the state of Gujarat. The stadium which has far too many memories became the place of yet another great memory. I watched my first game of cricket where my own team played. And my bachpan ka favourite team played. Yes I know that isn't loyalty but back then when Baba had explained cricket to me, he had asked me to choose the team I liked the most. And I had chosen Australia. So no matter what, it was an amazing feeling to see both these teams from such close quarters.

I saw Saurav Ganguly, like right there on the field, doing the pitch report. Sigh! The walking till the stadium, the choosing seats with best view (so what if there was pigeon crap all over the seats) the lack of a mobile phone, was all worth it! I felt like I was in a trance and to imagine that it continued for a straight 12 hours almost. Tendulkar came in wearing his signature hat to practise while rest of the Indian cricketers strolled about, talking to each other in huddles. The Aussies were way more professional. Each guy took a spot and started to practise their game, without any idle chatter. Now, right there, we have a thing to learn from them.

Soon the match started and I realised I just HAD to scream with the crowd. So I screamed Ganpati Bappa Moriya everytime Tendulkar came too close to our pavilion while fielding, screamed Jeetega bhai jeetega India jeetega at almost all hours of the game and did Mexican waves with the junta. The most effective one was 'Aussies you suck'. It started everytime they asked for a review, hit a four or a six and later on when they took wickets. It just worked like a dream. We could see them become all nerves. India got so much support, it almost seemed unfair at a point. But then Brett Lee hit one bodyline after another and that too to Tendulkar! There was sledging as well. So I decided to stop feeling like a Gemini and just go full throttle for my country.

Ofcourse a few things upset him. Like that empty bottle of water I kept clutching onto from 12 in the afternoon. From that half eaten patty that I kept in between our seats. Like my non stop abusing. He said there were friends and family who knew us and I couldn't be so vocal about my thoughts about Watson and Johnson. I said just tell them am a frikkin Delhiite. So yeah, there were bursts of fights in between. But it was all for the larger good. No?

When Yuvi got all nervous and got Gauti run out, I sort of peed in my pants. Yes, I was scared. And I am that very easily when it's about cricket. So I started my final trump card. The praying and the JBLing. I did not get up after the next chaukka and they sent another one to the boundary. That is when I realised I couldn't jump off my seat any longer. I sat throughout the last 40 minutes and prayed myself hoarse. When 4 runs were left, he asked me to get up and dance anyway. And I stood, Yuvi hit a four, he dashed to the ground in exhilaration, I danced the victory dance and gave gaaliya to the dozen, all simultaneously. He scooped me out of the stadium soon after. My friend K said He should get a reward for having chosen me of all the women out there in the world. Basically they teamed up against me once the game was won. I let them act like stupid boys cos I was on seventh heaven anyway.

The lies, the bunking, the surprise, the money, the sweat, the pigeon poop, the lack of food, the no connectivity, the fear, the elation. The success.

And ofcourse, being called lucky. Just epic.

not cool

2011-03-22T13:00:00.002+05:30

Today, I appealed to someone's darker side, and I now feel horrible about it.

I have always had a thing for speed, races etc, and today, my huge office cab (Xylo) was speeding its way to work. An Esteem or a Honda City (I think) came and tried to take our lane on the extreme right of the road. As a result of which, we had to put our brakes a little. The car went ahead after that.

I just smiled and suggested to our driver that maybe we should go scare him a little. Now, my driver is already a Jat and a very rash driver. He leapt onto my wicked suggestion and sped ahead. When he came close to that fated car, for a second or three, he went so close that we felt he would bump it to say the least. The guy who was inside the car was smoking and chilling in general and he suddenly realised what was happening and lost his nerves. He looked scared and didn't look like he could give the right responses. Our driver moved away in a few seconds, leaving the car on its own to come back on track. Luckily, there were no other cars in the vicinity so nothing major happened except the guy losing it.

Our driver looked at me from the mirror and smiled. I don't know why but I felt completely responsible for it.It was like I let him do something evil and actually egged him to do it, lured him. Felt shitty once the streak in me started to fade.

I blame Black Swan for this.

Miss-adventures after another

2011-03-18T09:06:00.003+05:30

The past three days have made me feel like I am living out of my body and watching it. An evening back, I took a local bus at around 11 after heroically stopping it by coming in front of it in an Alto. The driver looked like he wanted to crush my friend’s car when I came out of it and asked him to open the bus doors for me. He smiled and joked ‘aur mai soch raha tha yeh ladkiya pagal ho gayi kya?’ Once inside, I saw twenty odd men staring back at me. Construction workers, hotel waiters and and just one tiny man who wore glasses and had an English novel on his lap. I knew my impulsive decision could be very pricey thereafter. I put on my distressed girl act and went and sat next to the conductor, and often gave the novel guy half smiles, as if to tell him ‘we are similar, no?’ I don’t think he got my sense of security or sanity. I updated my status on facebook and realized none of my friends would be cool with what I had done once I updated it. Too late. Buddies started calling and bashing me for being THIS adventurous in Delhi.

That was then. Yesterday was worse. Working for a huge event at work, I was told by my news editor to help them with all the sessions for the Conclave. Just as my luck always is, I got Kashmir and Sarah Palin amongst my share of the sessions. Dealing with the maximum number of questions that came in, I struggled with the amazing English grammar of a million people of our country. It was a journey against time as we had none on our side.

Being from lifestyle, it was refreshing to see how the news editor trusted us with our language skills and not his own team. It was a savoury thought but for the fact that I didn’t have the time to enjoy it. The day turned into night and my buddy whose birthday it was kept calling to see if I had left for her party yet. Sadly, I said no each time she did, till it was 10:30pm. Finally a jalopy came to drop me home, as no party waited that long. Friends called up and made fun, I joined along. When your life is a joke, its best to join the laughter.

Early morning today, 5:45am, I get up and get ready for an early day at work. The Conclave starts today at 9am so every hand on desk by 8. I came out of the washroom to hear my phone buzzing madly. Colleague informed cabs wouldn’t be coming due to transporter rift and that we would have to fend for ourselves. Called up the sardarji taxi service guy and he greeted me with a loud ‘satsri aakal ji’. Yes. Told him the route to which he told me there would be two taxes and two tolls and the sum would be pretty huge if I agreed. When I asked questions in between, he kept saying, ‘aap samjh nahi rahe ji’. It was extremely pissing off to keep being told that THAT early in the morning.

Once in the cab with my other two seniors, I realized what a wasted life this was. Here were two older people, just as wasted. In five years, I would be them. Shuddered. The news editor said I should pay and take the reimbursement from the office. I was stunned at his lack of responsibility. The other guy, the Crab I mentioned once before started bitching in Bengali to me. I felt more at home.

Reached office and seeing more such disgruntled faces, made me feel better. Like I wasn’t alone. Switched on my computer and realized it was not working. Called Ram, the IT guy and told him, ‘Sirf wallpaper dikh raha hai boss, dekh ke jao.’ To which he came, looked at my screen and said, ‘Haan, acha wallpaper hai.’

That was when I laughed my ass off. Yes, I and my office had finally snapped due to overwork and had officially lost it.

Let the madness begin.

Spending the weekend, the right way.

2011-03-14T01:31:00.000+05:30

Having a super tough time in life. But no, I shall not crib. Will talk about other things. Like how I watched the match with the girls in the pub and cheered, and how I went to the first marriage anniversary of a dear duo and realised, how distant in my head I have become. And how maal, mod and getting wasted is becoming a thing I am starting to question. And most importantly, how I watched some awesome movies, The Kids Are All Right, The King’s Speech and Taken.

The Kids Are.. is a fresh film on a lesbian couple and their kids. Kids, they have had by sharing the sperm of the same donor; and how that sperm donor comes into their life 18 years later, becoming a lot of things to a lot of people within the family. Almost a father to the daughter, a lover to the feminine lesbian (the girl in the relationship, that is) a smart dude to look upto for the son and a certain threat to the guy/father/ masculine partner in the lesbian duo. The performances are so beautifully fresh, one would be at a loss to miss this amazingly unique story.

My favourite scene is when Julianne Moore starts sleeping with Mark Ruffalo and realises she is very much a bisexual. ‘I am a lesbian having a mid life crisis,” is how she puts her predicament in words. Just hilarious.

The King’s Speech is, ofcourse an Oscar winner and rightly so. Colin Firth has nailed the Brit act way back, when he became Mr.Darcy.but he has outdone my expectations of him. As Nandu puts it, Hollywood has just too much talent. Sppech impediment is something I will never understand, having been tagged talkative in almost all circles. But it is traumatic and hugely so when a king deals with it. The teacher (Jeff Bridges) is already a legend, but somehow, he keeps getting better. I want to be like him in my career. Like old wine ;) and did I mention I have the hugest crush on Helena Bonham Carter? Yes, for the longest time now. Awesomeness.

Taken is an old movie, starring kick ass Liam Neeson. Asked him to switch it on and watch it with me, to my surprise, he sounded worried. After Legion and Underworld, he has grown wary of how my tastes have changed at such short notice. Told him I plan to not be cliched with what I do anymore, he was even more worried. He said it was better when I was chicken about these things. Lol.

So Neeson is this amazing dad who is a former CIA paramilitary officer who has extremely unique set of skills when it comes to dealing with criminals. He also has a daughter and an estranged wife who couldn’t take his profession well. He is crazy about his daughter and goes to ultimate lengths when she is kidnapped by slave traders in France. The dirt of the world just frightens me sometimes and adventurism just becomes a little too much hype than what it really is.

Okay, must finish fourth and last movie of the weekend, The Fighter, before Monday and cervicle dawns on me. Yet again.

Khub douracho

2011-02-25T22:35:00.002+05:30

I had decided I will write plenty today. But I am strangely missing my train of thought right now. Absolutely don’t remember what it was I wanted to talk about.
Basically, more than a month has passed and I am hardly there. I know big plans await me (it’s a belief, its not based on facts) but I seem to have slowed down. More and more people have started counting on me, I feel they consider me as an adult now. Gulp.

Cousin T has changed boyfriends in a matter of a month and she expects me (out of the entire family) to understand. I, ofcourse understand how this heart works and how soon it changes it mind. Her ex was a workaholic and the new one is way more interesting, I think the young one needs a little fun right now, not stability from a professionally successful guy. I am with her on this, and am trying my best to be a cool Dee, so that the kiddo has atleast one person to confide in. You don’t need the teenagers to go completely quite these days, no?

The colleague with whom I go to work in the mornings lately isn’t a friend yet and I don’t think I will make him one. He is a strange mix of no-nonsense and yet funny. He is a tough taskmaster at work and people are a little wary of him. Hasn’t got married and don’t think he will. But in those 40 minutes, he shares. Tells me to rest, take a sabbatical and heal myself. He also lets me know what he feels about the traffic, the plastic munching cows and dogs, doctors and even his frustration at his work and seniors. So I understand this crab and yet not. I am still trying to.

On another note, was told by Him that everybody keeps asking for me and apparently, I am a hit amongst his friends. Well, if I had to deduce how I managed to score that much, I would say am a natural (not modest I know) and it doesn’t take much, I am easy on the eyes for most.

Mom has become a friend. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that our time is measured, or because things in the family are ever changing and this is the current wave. But nowadays, I explore the city with her. It keeps her happy and makes her feel I have time for her in between my very butterfly like social life.

The physio lady tells me the other day, “Khub douracho, tai eto koshto pacho. But thamleo je tumi khushi hobena. Ki je chao..”

Even I couldn’t have summed it so perfectly.

profoundity in unusual quarters

2011-02-24T02:24:00.000+05:30

Half the story of love is the discovery of it as you put it behind you. And with that discovery comes the knowledge that your own journey is still incomplete. The maps have changed, the continents have shifted and the horizons are not the ones you remember. However, the road it still open and there is much to see, but only if you have the courage to see that the first step is always a departure.
-the storyteller's tale

A buddy read the book and found this brilliant life-altering quote. It has stayed on and I need to keep coming back to this from time to time in life..

atonement

2011-02-15T09:53:00.003+05:30

It rains from deep in the night till morning, there is a silence within, life feels abrupt. Almost like art cinema, feel the tug at the seams nowadays. Everything is a blur, I multi-task and nothing makes sense. Dont remember the last time I was out the whole day, not looking at my watch, not worrying about getting back home, not thinking about getting better or sick, not thinking how he or she would take it if I could make it or could not.

This week, it is. Closure, there is none. But thats okay, life has never been clinical as far as matters of the heart are concerned.

I will survive, am almost happy. Hope its the same for you.

Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.
-Dirty Dancing

Udaan

2011-02-07T01:15:00.001+05:30

Watched an amazing movie today, Udaan. I had partly watched it before but today, I watched it completely and maybe its the slightly cloudy weather outside and inside the film, but it has really made me all stirred up within.

You know how it feels when someone asks you what you want to do with your life? At 25, I get that a lot less now. I guess it has also got to do with my relationship status, I am supposedly at a very stable state of affairs. But I have never felt this confused in my entire life. Not only do I keep wondering 'where to' from here, I also wonder if I have already lost my dreams somewhere in the middle.

I must confess, I havent been a big dreamer ever. I have always been a confident kid and maybe because of that, I have felt the world is my oyster. So when as a kid, my friends would say they wanted to become an engineer (and they also became one) a doctor or a teacher, I would say I want to be a bus conductor because a)people trust him with the money, b) the money makes for a nice sound, clinking in the conductor's bag and c)we travel all day and meet new people.

Yes, that was foolish then and even now, I cant imagine how low on aspirations I was. Or maybe, I was on the right track. I still believe that those things are more important to me than fancy degrees. I know I have got one but still, feeling trusted, with some money in my pocket and getting to explore, that would be it. Even today.

How much of a right thing is it to pursue a dream seen by others for you? If I had a father like that, I'd be doing drugs by now. Yes, submitting to authority has never been a strong point and while watching the movie, the strong dislike for the same kept coming up so often. There were moments when I cried as I could not bear the heaviness of the situation or the pain of the protagonist. It made me want to get up and do something about it.

What also kept touching a chord was the small town feel of the movie. I have always said this, I am a wrong person to have been born and brought up in the capital. I havent really understood the very many flashy concepts of being a part of this world, and have been a popular misfit all my life. It has worked for me yes, but I have found my best mates in small towners and have felt at home with them.

There is something about the absence-of-options-and-varieties in a small town that makes you a very basic, real sort of a person. What you see is what you get, it is a relief to be around such people. I sometimes feel that could border on drab but mostly, the pace and the peace appeals to me hugely. Will never settle down in one, my ways are too spoilt for them, but when I see something like that, I sigh. Dont know why.

I have always yearned a brother, and at this point in life, it is safe to say I wont find one. No logic to that, I just know it. The bond between the two brothers was just so beautiful that it made me sad. The fact that they werent related by blood just went on to make one point very clear to me, life is all about love and you find it in the most unlikeliest of places. But when you do, just embrace it without thinking. You may get hurt later, but who cares for later when you experience something so strong in the now.

Have been spending some time with myself, have been very retrospective for a while now, maybe it has got to do with my current state and also, like I said in the beginning, how I am at crossroads in life, yet again. And while people think I have never been this settled, inside of me, I know for a fact how very unsettled I am. So many aspirations, and so many uncertainties.

And at a time like this, comes Udaan. Wanna fly away too..

Pairon ki bediyan khwabon ko baandhe nahi re, kabhi nahi re..
Kahani khatam hai ya shuruwaat hone ko hai,
Subah nayi hai yeh ya phir raat hone ko hai..

dirty fellow

2011-02-02T12:36:00.002+05:30

We were on a funny topic the other day, about our quirks. When I said I absolutely love the way the insides of my pet's ears smell, the conversation pretty much went downhill from there. I wanted some sort of a confirmation so I asked Ma, and she stared at me and said I am 'going to the dogs'! Well, quite literally.

Yes I do love that doggy smell, I look for it when am back home from work, and I hope it stays on my sweater when am out. I feel heavenly in that dogginess. It makes me feel like my favourite person, a blanket, some hot chocolate and You've got mail on the telly, all put together in a moment. I live for that moment you know. It defines perfection, and while I achieve it sometimes, one of the four elements is almost always missing. So it hasn't been perfect yet. Only in my head.

So the doggy smell (in want of a better term) is what makes me feel, well, umm, truly Mrinalini.

Afterthought-No I am not crazy yet.

dark in here.

2011-01-28T18:15:00.000+05:30

the tea got cold, didn't want to have it. was very troubled. no, no reason except the inner demon. it claws its way to the fore time and again.

making plans to shift my belongings from the right side to the left side of my brain. the right is overburdened i have been told.

the brain paints a grey colour, i force it back to a vivid pink and a happy blue. but it slowly melts back to a grey. i hate the grey, everyone is grey. everyone is the same. fighting the same morbid realities, unique for others, the same in reality.

the bike hit a thud in front of the gate and i went to see. just a man, troubled with his machine. just like me.

getting younger

2011-01-17T16:04:00.003+05:30

He looked up at her at times while reading the story. It was his favourite and he had read it a hundred times, just to be perfect when he had to read it out to her.

"Bah humbug!" said Scrooge.
What do you understand from this line? That he really was a very khadoos man, not lovable at all, she explained.

He nodded and smiled at her funny translations and explanations. There was something that was so cute about her. Dressed in her pink pyajamas and a big blue sweater (maybe her dad's) her glasses would keep sliding low every other minute. The best thing about her was her smile. A big smile that warmed up his heart. He waited for this hour to come every week. And it went past him too soon.

He read a funny part and she explained again, with her quirky examples, and boy, she had many of those. It seemed her life was full of fun things she had done. Or maybe it was just another life told extraordinarily. The way she said it, it made him want to be a part of her school, her college, her evenings.

Hey, if you get above 80, we will go out then! Have awesome burgers and then ice cream at Baskin Robbins, ok?
Is that a promise?
Ofcourse, and if you get 90...umm then..
Then will you watch a movie with me?
With you? I mean, are you allowed to? Ofcourse I will kiddo :)
Hey, no kiddo! and yes I am allowed. You have made a promise, ok? You cant back out now.
Hahahahah true, you are too tall to be a kiddo, you tower over me! But yeah, its a deal!
We will call it a date, ok?
She laughed loudly, as if scattering the whole room with these christmassy baubles. He couldnt stop staring at her, almost foolishly.
A date? Right! We will call it a date. Just dont let your mom know you took your teacher out on a date!

He smiled and looked down, realising it was weird and funny and well, he couldn't explain.

He felt love. Or was it a crush like his best friend told him.
"Buddhu, she is older to you, and your teacher! Think of Ishika, she really likes you man."
But Ishika was so dumb. She would smile during math tuition, and smile at everyone. What was so exclusive about that?

She was different. She was older, she loved him like a baby, and she gave him her full attention. She smiled at him and encouraged him about his after class 12th dreams unlike anyone else. She was what made his heart flutter.

Mom wont mind, but you have promised, so no saying No after i get a 90?
Ok I promise. And I am very happy for you already! A 90!

She stood at the door reminding him of the homework he had to finish, while he tied his laces and got up to leave. One last look at her and with a victorious grin, down the stairs he went.

If only the next Wednesday would come sooner. And that bloody 90.

brittle

2011-01-13T22:55:00.007+05:30

Yes, everyday is becoming too much. Went to a new doctor for my wrist. He named it a different thing, I cant even spell it. And am too scared to wiki it for fear of knowing a little too much.

The clinic had something on a bulletin board called IOL. I kept thinking its LOL and laughed in my head. Imagine, after every big scientific treatment or disease, LOL was written. It was such a ridiculing thought. Like a sadistic joke.

So I realised my father embodies the Delhi spirit. He tells anyone who cares to listen about what I do, where I work and why I cant fall sick even for a day cos my company depends on me. Jesus! I begged him to stop at the doctor's, but he went on and on. I was embarrassed and the pain shot up. I told the doc I could take a few leaves with a lot of difficulty if he really wanted me to. He just hmmed and suggested more X-rays. Oh well.

Working with a bad hand makes me feel like am gonna die soon (No I wont cos I am a hypochondriac, never mind me) and well, life is keeping me very troubled as of now. So I listen to music and stay happy anyway.

This song totally cheered me up. And well, am roughly 5 feet tall, guess will manage :)

The sudden hurt ever so often.

2011-01-11T17:22:00.003+05:30

He sipped his tea, the only thing he made an effort to make. It was hot water with his favorite flavored tea bag and a spoon of sugar. Nothing fancy and yet, it appealed to him just perfectly. The chill had just begun to go down, and he had promised himself that he would also try to be warmer.

He logged onto his profile and saw a few happy new years here and there and then that one post on his wall.

Happy New Year. Bless!

It was the exact same greeting, but for the fact, that it was from her.

She, of the past and yet of the present. She, who had no business wandering in his head, but yet, there she was, always. It was crazy how it made him hate and love the same thing so much. They had moved on, hadn't they? And all these greetings were a proof to that moving on. She would greet him during every festival and he would be moody about it. Sometimes, he would collectively answer 'thanks everyone' and sometimes, do nothing.

He was a little angry that she was keeping her end of the promise, even after years. If she could have just been a bitch, this would have been easier. He wished he knew what was playing in her head. And her heart. He wished it was him.

He replied to some of the posts and logged out. The junior came to him asking if he would like to dutch in for a colleague's birthday cake and he absent-mindedly handed her a big note. She smiled, he realised she took the money for what it was and it felt funny that he was now sponsoring the entire cake.

It was lonely, still. He had tried, moved on, made some conquests, made some classic moves (as his guy friends would tell him) and he had it all. Yet it hurt. Like a small pin that was stuck on the sole of his shoe, and every time he walked, it would prick. And he just couldn't remove the pin cos he couldn't find it. This pain was such, it was there but he didn't know how to correct it.

He had got some news. He had decided then that it was a point of no return (which was funny because it was he who had moved out in the end) and he would only be bitter, mechanical and stone cold about it from here on. And if he was lucky, maybe forget about it too. But no, he felt more human than ever. Betrayed and hurt, pathetic. Like the winters, life was also intent on sending the chill his way, keeping it sunless, keeping it miserable.

But the sun had peeped out a bit today. And the huge glass window in his cabin showed brilliantly on it. Maybe, the sun was around the corner and he didn't know it.

Ah well, confusion was better than disappointment.

heart to heart with self

2011-01-08T12:34:00.002+05:30

Why am I still following Twilight so closely? I think its got something to do with the fact that Taylor Lautner made me discover sexual fantasies for the first time in life. Now I know what SRK meant when he said ‘kuch kuch hota hai Anjali, tum nahi samjhogi.’

Have been listening to too much music, its mainly a ploy of drowning the office talks behind me. I was asked to fill my KRA form yesterday, but I couldn’t care lesser. I have got the nickname of ‘Ms.Dreamy’ at work. I never thought yeh din bhi aayega. See what a stiff, professional set up can do to a jolly kid. The system has got to me, too bad.

Why do I still eat pizza? I hate it. I leave out the crust, eat up the toppings, so who am I kidding? And you know what I hate more? Pizzas gone cold. Ugh. Must.make.note.

Vodka, I have loved you all these years and the relationship has had its ‘highs’ and lows. However, its time to let go. I have discovered I like rum more. Its sweet and makes me warm faster than you do. So, this year, am not meeting you too often. That’s the best thing anyway when a relationship ends, eh. But we had a good time.

I shall be online less. A buddy realized that day she was talking to me more than we were seeing each other. Another friend asked me out for a movie and when I said its too cold, we both read reviews of the film online and never went for it anyway. I get asked for parties on fb events from people who stay in the next block. And there are surprises too. An old old admirer finds me on fb, talks to me in the inbox (not in public, mind you) and sends me congratulatory messages and calls me wise since the Café Red Brick days (I want to tell him no, I still smoke, I still hang out with boys and I still haven’t really become too wise but anyway) but but, when he sees me on the road, he does not talk! Hah! Too much of baggage I guess. I understand. I don’t necessarily relate.

So yeah, all this online business is making me a little cranky. Maybe I should be more ‘in person’ and less in pictures. Who knows? Time will tell if this I can do.

I have come out in the open about my hatred towards winters. Nah, no personal vendetta but I hate wearing 20 items of clothing. Its just uncomfortable. And to say nothing of what those caps do to my beautiful hair.

I will dream more. I know I cant tell my subconscious mind to dream more but I have to find a way. My friends keep telling me about all these dreams they see while I just chant to sleep or end up having a song in my head which I even wake up singing. This morning, I woke up saying to myself, ‘Time is essential.’ Wtf! Why am I getting up with spiritual lecture? I have to dream more, and not be so random.

Oh, and I hate that person. Am going for a movie today but I know I will be indifferent and even cold to that person because I cant fake it. Had said yes to the movie before I had realized its hatred I feel for that person, so now I cant back out of the movie. But yeah, will want to have no more of that person in my mind or life. Just saw through the utter hogwash now. Point to self again: Please be sensible sometimes. Remember, the book, the cover, the phrase along those lines?

I have been typing away this furiously for the first time in ages, I think its also because it makes me feel less colder. Well, the good movie with the stupid person awaits me. So does a bit of other things.

PS-Last year, this day, a lot happened. I feel stronger but lonelier a kid. I hope you are listening Didu. Love

Just keep swimming!

2011-01-01T12:44:00.003+05:30

New year comes, my favourite time to be depressed. Ya, it’s the evening when I have at least five invitations and feel like going for none. It feels strange to be at one party and devoid your other friends of your presence. I feel like being at a hundred places and end up being at none. It’s a syndrome, I tell you. And for the past many years, I have vowed to get it right by feeling shamelessly happy for what life has given to me and what I have achieved, but every time, I end up moping. It’s the weather I guess.

So 2010 was kind, I had more than my share of love, I joined a new place that sort of realizes what to do with me. They make me work, and like I always say, you gotta know how to work me baby.

Personally, mum remained well and that is a high not even my favorite drink can give me. It is a different feeling when you see the pillars of your life stand erect, without having to beg for their wellness.

Have realized how fortunate I have been for the sister I have. Who would have thought that all that hair raising fights and stitches later, we would actually grow up ‘growing on’ each other, loving more with each passing day, even when the miles between us grow.

I have always believed that people who stay far are closer to you and your mind and heart. Too much of proximity spoils it for me. Space. That is the word we are looking for here.

Love has been a surprise to say the least. It has been a happy and a sad journey, happy for the dreams one sees and sad for well, the same reason. I, the utterly philosophical and deep person have realized maybe love does have a few flaws. And while I am all out for the concept of H.O.P.E, what I also know now, is that love is something that should just be wondered at, not figured. It takes time and energy, and you end up where you started from if you try too hard. It is like swimming, you have to let go to be able to do it.

Friendship. Aah. My favourite. I have been truly blessed in that regard. My friends take the eccentricities, the quirks and the lows in the same stride, bear me during my ‘high’ and foolish moments and laugh it off anyway. It’s bliss to be treated as a normal when you are clearly not. Thanks for humoring me.

Life, you are nice, and that makes me very curious. What do you have up your sleeve? Tell tell, don’t be shy :P I am a strong kid, so what if I have hit QLC and am also off market as some people put it (pun intended) I still have a lot to give and receive. And there is just soo much drama still left in me.

So, 2011, keep it interesting!

Wont get up.

2010-12-28T11:18:00.002+05:30

She didn't want to get up that morning. It was frosty outside and her tummy, her back, her legs all groaned. She wanted to stay covered inside her shocking pink blanket for the whole day, or maybe till the sun shone.

"You have got to get up now hun, its morning and there is work to be done,' he said.
"Nope, I will make an excuse. I don't want to get up."
"You cant take any more leaves this season. Cmon, try telling your mind it is important and slowly it will agree to you."
"Mind might, my body wont. It wont get up."

He chuckled a little, thinking how weird this girl was, her logics were inane to say the least. He went to the kitchen, made her favorite Turkish tea and took the tray to her with a few cupcakes. The chocolate ones.

"Ok, have your tea then," he said knowing she couldn't resist tea. and cupcakes.
She sniffed like a dog from under the covers and then woke up with a swiftness not expected from a sleepy human.
"You made the tea? Just to wake me up? That's not fair!"
"Well, everything is fair in love and war."
"Sigh, in the name of love, I have to now go and war at work," she said nibbling on her cake.
"Why do you see your work as such a burden hun, it should make you happy, no?"
"Well, I work because am middle class. If I ever had my way, I would hibernate every winters and join work in the springtime. And yes, go to work at all kinds of hours. Not every frikking morning," she said with much emotions. Clearly, she was waking up.

"I don't think so. You work because you couldn't do without it. If I tell you, forget middle classism, you could stop working from tomorrow, I will take care of you, then would you do it?"

She was confused. He was very honestly saying all this, she could tell. Then why did this feel like a trap of the wits?

"Ummm, I wouldn't leave my job, cos that would make me sulk and get fat at home. And am sure you wouldnt want that. So for you, I wouldn't quit working."
"Hahahahhaha, sure. right."

The battle is won by the one who has the last laugh, she thought as she got out of her bed. This very cold morning, when the body was numb and her mind was wanting to win the next one, she smiled in spite of herself as one thing was sure. The heart was all warmed up.

this and that

2010-12-15T15:15:00.003+05:30

some dirty dancing,
and then sweet home alabama.
missing home,
then embracing the sea.
being everywhere,
and wanting to be nowhere.
wondering about life,
while life is hugging tight.
drinking and eating and loving like never,
pondering over words and memories,
if they will come back ever.
this is what we wait for, this is what we do,
this is what we forget,
but then again,
this is what we remember.

Delhi

2010-12-03T00:38:00.003+05:30

the lamp posts kept rushing past her, one after the other..one yellow light like an egg yolk after another. the roads flashed past her. she used to ask her father why the lamp posts on both sides looked parallel to each other but when they neared it, the lamp posts closed in. he had never given an answer, no. she felt too old to ask now.

the city had the same smell since childhood, the wispy air plus the cigarette stench, she took in a lot of the air together, this was her familiar oxygen.

she wanted to hold on to it, like forever. it was becoming a choked feeling, missing so much.

2010-11-24T00:38:00.005+05:30

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

To stop train, pull chain.

2010-11-16T23:09:00.004+05:30

It has started to get chillier. So it took time to get up even after the alarm went off. Ma was angry (at 25, I was apparently expected to) and somehow she wasn’t getting ready either. Dad woke up much later, didn’t take a bath, took just one pair of clothes (the one he wore) and was ready. Basically, we were running late.

In the car, Ma started to chant and I was just plain moody (after I get up from my sleep, I mostly am) The train was at 7:40 and we reached the station at 7:30am. I and Ma found out that the Shatabdi was coming on platform 2 (the other side of the station) so we jogged, while Dad went to park his car at the lot, so that we could also go back back in our own car the next day when we returned.

7:37am, and I am told coach C5 is in the middle of the platform. I run literally and turn back after every 3 minutes to check on mother. Father was surely missing the train but being a guy, I let him deal with it. The train gave out a whistle and I reached C5. I entered and looked behind me to find no mother. A man hwo was smoking outside told me, ‘sab chale ayenge, train se mat latko.’ Meh. I was disappointed as I knew, atleast one parent would miss the train and one wouldn’t.

Suddenly, from within the coach before our coach (C4), I see my Dad sweeping past passengers, coming through the small connecting area between two coaches, towards me. Ohh, so it was Dad who made it, not Mom. Okay.

I went into the coach and headed to the seats on my ticket, only to see the same man looking back at me. I told the woman next to him that she was sitting on our seats. She said no, those seats belonged to them. I was too blank by then so I said smilingly, ‘Let TT come, he will sort this for us.’ She wasn’t relaxed one bit and wanted to see my ticket. I felt a little angry so I asked to see hers too.

By now, my Dad was breathing on my neck (he is royal types, doesn’t like standing too long, he was going mad for a seat by now)

‘Arre madam (I hate that word) aapki tickets 10^th Dec ki hai, not November,’ The lady triumphantly announced.

I couldn’t believe her words, I took my ticket, read it aloud, traced my fingers throught the sheet as if doing that would change the numbers. I now had two pairs of eyes looking at me. Ma had emerged from somewhere and was waiting for my verdict.

I said ‘Yes 10^th Dec it says. TT sir!’

The nasty TT was even worse. He kept repeating ‘Chalti gadi mein bina ticket ke hai. Saza toh milegi.’

I couldn’t believe the train was moving, we had reached late and yet both my parents had boarded the train, and instead of being victorious, I was now haggling with the TT, almost being pushed off the train for being ticketless.

I said, ‘Kya kya options hai sirjee?’ (ya right, my arse sirjee)

He tells me with closed eyes ‘Pull chain and get down. Pay fine.

Get down at panipat, pay fine till that station.

Go till Chandigarh. Buy fresh tickets. So the 515 rs ticket will cost you 930rs.’

I checked my wallet, saw 3k in it, pulled all of it out and bought three tickets, with a very pissed father threatening to get down at Panipat. I told him nothing was worth missing our one year old niece’s birthday in Chandigarh, but he was too furious to think clearly.

I bought the tickets and my parents and I were given three differently placed seats (wherever no one had booked basically) and we sat.

Baba had to stay, once I got him a ticket, his Panipat plans failed, he read the paper with a vengeance. On some other corner I could hear Ma sort of angry and hurt, mumbling about being ticketless at the age of 55, insulting etc.

I sat on one faraway seat, sipping the tea which was served to us last (by now, the food had started coming in), thinking nothing.

The train took a jolt, I burnt my mouth.

I was wondering why this happened, why did I book on wrong dates. One explanation came to my mind. My mother's birthday is on the 10^th Dec, so I just put the date by instinct. That could be the only logic. And even that is flawed. Because cmon, who is that stupid?

The announcement lady buzzed alive ‘There is a green suitcase that has no takers. The concerned person must contact the TT and take it from the seat its lying on.'

A little far I could hear my mother mumble, ‘First tickets, wasted money and now bomb scare, what a day!’

I didn’t have a single support from anyone. I knew those two were happy inside their hearts that we could make the trip, but they wouldn’t show it. In my head, I gave myself a thumbs up, I had been very cool today, I felt like a real SRK fan, with my own train story to tell.

This was all worth it. Till I find a reason, that is.

in the spider's web

2010-11-13T01:32:00.002+05:30

that was then. it had seemed easy. now, everything ends up as a meaning. everything makes sense. nothing can be left out, its scary, how much meaning life suddenly has.

they say char din ki zindagi, and then also say, its your life, make it large.

which one do i follow?

i have always been a believer, a reasoner, a worshipper of words, and yet there are so many that give me company, its difficult to understand which is the best friend amongst so many. some words are rogue you know.

there are times when the believer is mocked,

times when the lover is doubted,

times when nothing matters,

and times when even the bright blue water of the river makes the most beautiful meaning..

i am a writer stuck, a human worked up, a believer fussed.

Aage bhi jane na tu,

peeche bhi jane na tu.

jo bhi hai, bas yehi ek pal hai..

lies

2010-10-27T00:28:00.002+05:30

A hundred pages,
all half written.
A hundred thoughts,
All half acted upon.
I wish I could be caught when I lied,
It would be so easy to be alive
There should be a toll,
to every time you suppress,
There should be a curse,
Every time you digress.
How easy life would be,
If only lies could be caught.
Oh you should know, that I tried,
You should know that,
every time I did,
my mind pacified.
The beauty of life is to say you are free,
when you are not.
To say its good to be,
when you’d rather not
Oh how much more we’d love the truth
If only, the lies were caught.

In bad taste.

2010-09-24T23:25:00.000+05:30

Was coming back from office and saw an accident. No, I haven’t seen an accident where I have had to see the man sprawled on the road, blood oozing out from his skull. It felt like his connect from the real world was gone. I shivered in fear and grabbed the cab mate’s hand who must have thought I am really weird because I am talking all smart stuff throughout the day. To imagine, I am this weak. Some people on the road told us the brand and colour of the car that hit him and asked us to follow it, as it had to pay the toll ahead and couldn’t have gone too far. I had a sinking feeling that we would never be able to catch the rascal and if given the option, out of the two, I would want the man to be saved.

The mind numbed down to such a level that I had to forget the hierarchy of respect and ask the senior editor for a smoke. After I began to smoke, I realized it was very, very strong a brand. It charred my taste and I realized it was a bad decision.

Experienced fear, helplessness, uncertainty and finally nausea. Not how the Friday was supposed to go. Getting drunk and wasted with friends was what was planned.
At least, wasted was a common emotion.

Stuck, really?

2010-09-21T02:04:00.000+05:30

The wind outside was so strong it could only mean two things. One, there was no way they could leave for their homes now. Two, they were now going to have to wait it out together. That meant they had to talk more. It would only get painful from here on. After all, it was supposed to be just for an hour. Anything more than that, they weren’t prepared for.

So, this looks like it will keep us in for sometime now, eh?
Yes, so it seems. More tea for you?
Yes, a Darjeeling for me.
You seem to choose all kinds.
Yes, don’t I?
So, you are telling me this is it? Its happening for real.
Yes, its happening and we are witnessing it, aren’t we?
Hmmm..
It is totally wrong though, it is not going according to the plans at all, not my plans atleast.
Maybe you wont say it after a few years..
Yes, maybe I wont. But even that will happen because today, this happened.
It feels miserable being this, I hope you know that.
And imagine how miserable it is, to be this.

Your tea.

The rain was now pouring, and the windows were a dark black. The rain was coming down with such ferocity that she couldn’t see more than a blur. The blur had extended its reach though; it had inched its way into her heart and mind.

There was a point after which the games didn’t matter anymore. Where it would be nice to know just where one was headed. But it was not to be the case, ever. She sipped a long wishful sip from her cup.

Do you realize nature wants us to sit here, together?
Nature has wanted that before, with other people too.
Yeah, but never has it literally stopped one from going apart from each other. Like today.
Is this a sign, you think? She smiled warmly at him.
Yes! It is a sign, don’t you see it too?
I have got an umbrella too, so I guess even that is a sign.
Well, alright.
Hey, I was being a little light headed, don’t mind, ok.
No, I am numbing down now, it works after a while, when you cant hear the rain or your thoughts.

The feeling was this thick in the air and yet, it couldn’t be tasted. They had spoken too much and yet, not enough. They needed a lifetime and they had an hour.

And the tea was over.

Rain and what comes with it..

2010-09-20T22:51:00.002+05:30

It was pouring cats and dogs that day. So much so, the maid hadn’t come in, the house was a mess, and the leave she took just like that, ended up being just that, a leave from every thing. Not that she had plans to move around the house even. She had decided to mope around endlessly, and take breaks only if a good movie was coming on the telly. Charlie and the chocolate factory managed to make her smile, though only till the movie played.

She was back to being retrospective, almost sad. She couldn’t put a finger to as to why this was happening now. And what was the reason this time. The rain thrashed her windows and scared her a little. Maybe the solitude she was asking for was coming with a price. Maybe everyone was getting used to not seeing her and talking to her enough to forget about her. Or worse, move on without her.

She wanted to be there, in the midst of it all, but then again, she had hardly known anything for sure all her life. Decisions were planted on her path, saner, wiser people always told her what to do best, she had always listened anyway. Not because she agreed, but she couldn’t decide on her own. It was a pain and it could only be understood if it happened to you, she thought. This feeling could not be shared, ever. Not even with your beloved.

Music is a good friend. An unknown person hums a song with words that caress your solitude and agree to your mood. You literally feel like saying ‘yes, you got me’ to the song, and it’s a relief to not have to converse with the song. Monologues work well.

This scene has played itself time and again in her life. In school, in college, and now when she was old. When people say they change, do they mean they start behaving in the same situations differently? Or is that some situations keep coming back to you in life, and you cannot change a thing about them. The helplessness then is the helplessness now.

What if?

2010-09-16T15:53:00.001+05:30

Totally in the mood for it Ingrid :)

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?

when you want to .

2010-09-09T01:29:00.000+05:30

Have had a very tiring day, not the physical kinds, that happens all the time. The mentally tiring ones. There is so much to show, to do, it sort of weighs you down at times. There are responsibilities and things expected. Of course you deliver, but what if you just put up your legs on the sofa, lie down with a bowl of ice cream over your tummy and say ‘sorry man, shop closed, the buck stops here!’

Cant I really do this at least once in life? Ya, I could do it once I stop working or become a homebody etc, but no, doing so on a randomly busy day would be more like it.

I am getting used to being rebellious, this scares me. Nobody likes it much, I have been told. But it hurts to be any other way. Its good being me, even though it hurts you.

I know there will soon come a time when I shall be hurting over something the universe will have done, but till then, I can pretend to be having a good time, hanging on there.

i get it. i always did.

2010-08-30T00:51:00.002+05:30

there were two things that she held dear, the way she loved her long black hair, and the way she felt nothing when she cut them off.
-500 days of Summer

Rain rain, come again, everyday.

2010-08-19T21:47:00.002+05:30

Have been having the quietest and nicest week ever. It’s been raining constantly and the new job is hectic, by the time I get up for tea, it’s almost 5, so cant complain about long work hours, especially when the hours are passing me by without me knowing it.

Come back home very late and go nowhere. Yes, the absolutely outdoorsy me (when Ma leaves for Kolkata, that is) has decided to camp in. I take a bath, wear my daddy’s big warm clothes, eat my hot dinner with Gucci gulping down the stuff I throw at him and finally watch endless TV.

Watched Alex and Emma, 10 Things I hate about you and A Good woman in the last three days. The first movie is so rom-com (I cant get enough of those) while the second one is very teenage-y, guess I am moving out of that genre for good now. The last movie is very British, very suave, I love the humor and the one liners, can so relate.

Also, have discovered The Simpsons. All my life, I wondered what the big deal about this cartoon was, and have finally understood. It is mad humor, so vague and so cool. Guess, TV is the best invention after all. I have found once again, that while I am a social animal, I can also hibernate quite comfortably, thank you.

There is a thing or two I have learnt about friendships. While friends are good to have and would trade them for absolutely nothing in the world, they also bruise you sometimes. From the unlikeliest quarters, you get to feel hurt you never thought existed, and there is no way out of this dilemma, because you weren’t really expecting it. You weren’t prepared. Mindless days and hours later, you still wonder…

Rains are a good thing, they make me want to write, they make me want to do some poetry, and they even make me hopeful about relationships and ‘forever after’.

Getting to me!

2010-08-01T23:49:00.001+05:30

It's been a while since I have been feeling this way. Of course, it relates to things real and fictional. There is never a sure way to know. There are times when the feeling overpowers me, it tells me this way is better, but then, there is always the pull. The stronger, sharper and the more amazing pull. The other one, the temporary fixation, looks more real, but so does everything that comes with a temptation. But what is the temptation here?

Just a familiarity that comes from the language? Is that enough? All things glitter from a distance, and one should be a fool to think that would last forever. There are too many insecurities in this one human life, too many options, the platter is always too full (am I the only one complaining?) mostly you have no peace. Nowhere, ever. And maybe that is the part that makes you feel alive, wanted and there in the middle of everything. You want to be there, to feel the air on your face, to be the life of the party, accept it, you do.
But its all fleeting.

Two similar moments and this is what you know. The purity of emotions in one case is so strong and yet so subtle. Decades it was there, and yet you never felt its force.
In the second case, its recent, its new, its equally helpless and yet, its mocking in a manner that confuses you and questions your reality. Is it right or am I going all wrong?

Long life, will know soon.

the truth is..

2010-07-09T13:28:00.002+05:30

You are very hot.
Hey thanks.
No seriously, I have got to see you more often.
Umm, you are here for work, once its over, you have to leave, how can you keep seeing me more?
I dont know, tell me how. I think I am attracted to you as hell.
Ok leave now. You are complicating things, you said your girlfriend will be dropping by to join you. so, go.
I will come back. I will have to. Promise me you will meet.

bell rings*

Hi, oh you have a lovely collection here. No wonder he chose you to do his project.
Thanks a ton, he is a good client.
Yes, yes, everyone says that. Its good to work with him, I have been told. So honey, lets move now?
Umm, yeah lets.
He turns back one last time, rushes to her and tells her slowly, 'I will come back. you have to see me.'
Your girl is here. Go away. Am not a thief.
But I need to kiss you, I will come back.

They leave.

You think she will do a good job? You need awesome pr this time.
She is brilliant. Will do well am sure.
So you want to go back sometime and check on her progress?
What? Why? She knows her work.
I dont know, maybe you should go back..see how its comin up, know for sure you want her..
Excuse me?
I mean, know for sure if you want her in this project. You must know.

People know. They always do. You think you are smart, but one can always tell. It catches you unawares, and you do take the bait. But little do you realise, somebody always knows. And eventually, there is hurt all around you.

ARGENTINA or GERMANY? Both :)

2010-07-04T00:00:00.000+05:30

So Argentina lost. And the trouble is, it lost to Germany. My two favorite teams. There is no telling how good or bad I feel. The day Germany was thrashing England, I was rejoicing, dancing along with other german fans at Flames. Little did I know that they would face Argentina in the quarter finals. Once again after 2006, they faced each other and once again, Germany won. Literally thrashed, butchered, routed Argentina. I am sad, infact my heart goes out to Maradona, Messi. But strangely, in an hour’s time, I feel happy. For Germany. If the gemini state of mind was something I always believed in, today, I would vouch for it. I love the clinical, almost shrewd manner of the germans. Blame me if you want.

Life is at a crossroads. I put in my papers yesterday. My hands shook while clicking on ‘sent’. At the back of my mind, something told me ‘there is no looking back from here’. The place I will go to, will be new and ruthless in its own usual way. Nobody is kind to a newbie. I will have to make a mark, be awesome in my job. Have to be ‘a somebody’, all in a few months. Need holidays in a few months, and then some more. But I have to join this place, I have to be good at my job and I have to ask for leaves. Most importantly, I have to be fit enough for all of this. Shifts, no Saturdays and Sundays sound as scary to me as living alone in a city. And yet, in the last few months, desperation drove me to accept all these things. With a little money and a profile that sounds good in my head, I have accepted a new spice in my life. Have to taste dishes made of this spice and have to say its good, because its something I chose. Just hope it is not as real as I am thinking it will be. I hope it is fun and beautiful in its reality.

In this year, too much is happening, much more will happen. Don’t know how much I am ready for. Fact is, I am hardly ready. Friends wise, I am stagnant. Workwise, I am moving ahead. Personally, I am more or less at the same place. Financially, I am moving ahead but so are the expectations of me.
Had always hoped to be a free bird, don’t know how much of a restriction my new life will put on me. I should work things out, see the better in everything, and be a free bird anyway.

Just like when Argentina loses, I should always be able to feel happy for Germany.

gibberishing

2010-06-01T14:48:00.000+05:30

more faces. more i see, lesser i remember. cutting short conversations, listening but not really. in the midst of it all, but nobody's in the end.
getting there or starting over?

State of my mind

2010-05-25T17:14:00.001+05:30

I find myself in the darkest of corners, and there, out of nowhere, light spreads within.

Ofcourse I try to change the people I care for. And then, again I realise it too late. A slap on my forehead, a stupid giggle and I come back to my senses. Wasted effort, wasted energy. also, spent emotions. Sigh.

Nobody changes. They do, but when they have to. Nothing you say or do makes a difference. If it does, its a silent difference. They wont let you know you have made that difference. On the outside, you will never know. And that will hurt. Almost as if it didnt matter, you didnt matter. And while it definitely did matter, you will never be told.

The friction is too much, you want to say it out loud, but ofcourse your ego holds you back. It makes sure you are silent and passive. It manages to break what you build in a matter of time. Happens everytime.

And yet, everytime, you let it happen. You dont mend your ways. ever. And then, you want the other person to change.
Huh, hypocrite.

Swimming happened!

2010-05-18T14:56:00.005+05:30

It was as early as 5am and I was feeling sick. I wanted to sit inside the bathroom and never come out. It happens every time I start something new. Yes, swimming is new. And it was supposed to be amazing (atleast in my mind, it always has been). For two reasons; one, it was a water sport and I love lounging in water and two, it was my first bold attempt at learning something totally on my own! That was a kick alright.

So when three of my friends suddenly stirred up a swimming plan, it seemed like they were kidding at first. Of course they were. They were planning to attend classes from 5am everyday; you had to be kidding me! I haven’t seen how 5am looks like in my entire life! And how will I be going to work everyday after all that activity? Crazy.

But they were serious and went on making more and more plans. Slowly I got into it, not knowing when the fun summery plan became a distinct possibility.

Saturday saw me and one of my buddies buying swimming gear from CP. And just like that, I had invested in it. There was no looking back now.

That is the part where I sat inside the bathroom, fearing the pool, the short swimming costume, and everything in life. The friend who had the car called in sick and that left us with no option but to wait till 6am when we could get an auto.

As soon as we reached the place, (A huge and posh sports complex in South Delhi) we hurried through our forms, and in my haste I told the receptionist I would need coaching. To that, she added a grand extra to my fees (sigh) I was investing way more than I had planned and suddenly I realized with my birthday two weeks away, I wasn’t really being very wise.

Forget wise, I was really stupid, as once in the water, everyone shouted ‘sir sir’ to the only coach around as if he belonged to everyone. Turns out, he did. He didn’t have any clue who was paying extra for his instructions and so was catering to everyone who shouted a ‘sir’. My bad.

So the lesson began. Along with several kids, I was taught to breathe inside the water. The water whooshed through my ears, even after wearing a cap and I thought it would be fatal for my hearing. My buddy said it wont, its common. Ok, part two then.
I was taught to let my body float. I did it and because I wore lenses (I cant wear glasses to the pool, and I cant be without glasses as I wouldn’t see a thing! So lenses it is, with swimming goggles ofcourse) I could see a bit. Some very small leaf like things, a pubic hair I guess, a noodle like thread from something someone wore. Maybe that aunty with a lame board in her hand. She wore ugly shorts of the same colour. I tried hard not to think of my OCD, and remembered real heroes were made from tough situations like these. My fear was the all the above mentioned things, and well, I was doing a good job not thinking much of them.

The coach then told me to let go of the border and start to float a bit on my own. That took a little effort as whenever I started off, inside the water, I had visions like those in Gothika (yes, all kinds of fears I have. You would have thought the only fear one would have during swimming would be drowning or the fear of water. And that’s the only fear I do not have.) I got all scattered and gulped in a lot of water, looked like a sissy and went back to my corner. Lounged a bit and thought there could be no ghosts with this many fat Dilli ke Punjabis around me, and started afresh. Still all lopsided I kept getting and when I tried to cheat by taking tips from my friend who already knew swimming, the coach saw me from nowhere and lunged at me a fistful of water and screamed ‘baatein nahiiiiiiii’!! I was a newbie, not able to float and and now the entire pool knew that I was lounging. Felt like a backbencher.

One very cool thing I learnt however, is that I can spit out the water I gulp in by mistake in the nearest drain by just half plopping myself out of the pool! Hah! It feels all rustic and cool :P (like omkara or maybe Rambo training in the jungle) also, I know for a fact that getting tanned or not, I am going to love whatever comes next. The water is just so…exciting.

The first day ended when the hour slot rung and we were told the pool has become too dirty, so it needed to be cleaned. So, I was right, the pubic hair was a reality. Ugh.

Swimming, I do not know how soon I will learn you, and if you will totally exhaust me in a few days, but till I do, life in the pool is interesting enough to keep me busy and in a strange way, happy!

Photo courtesy:zevs.net

Like the photo says, off the mark!

2010-04-22T16:58:00.003+05:30

Yes its 98.51. and this, even before I took out money for the trip. Ofcourse I have another account but that has just enough to travel, get back, wait-patiently-till-the-30th kinds. I am your brilliant example of young and broke India. It helps when people call you smart and pretty though, as that gives you hope that maybe sometime in the future, my smartness will equate to dollars or pounds.

So this hotshot media house rejected me recently. They called me saying I am custom made for the job and while interviewing me, they realised I hold a similar designation in a different vertical. I had said yes and gone with a lot of hope, thinking they knew I was opting for their said vertical. I really wanted to change my profile and was amazed when this opportunity offered me exactly that. the change.

But as soon as he realised the difference (which was comparable but all in the name of media) in the two verticals, he shelled in completely going to the point of saying 'you know we cant afford to take someone from a different vertical, we have too much responsibility riding on this post.'
I told him how I would be great at it (and knew it was a goner as soon as I said it), I had been taught all that in college for pete's sake!
But protocol. norm. the works.

He let me write an article for 'protocol' sake and once I was done, he asked me if I was active in social sites, esp twitter. Fact is, I hate twitter, it ughs me at how much people can discuss their mundane lives in a line after every hour. So I said, 'yea, on fb, but thats it.'

I dont know how it helped him judge me or if at all, it served any purpose. Its been five days and ofcourse, the job isnt mine. While I cross out this media house for the next couple of years to come, I cant fathom how some news giant that talks of giving unbiased news and being the voice of the public can be so rigid. So stiff, that they cant see over my current profile to my actual skills. Cant see the potential from the article I wrote just because I belonged to a different vertical. How are they the best if they dont even give change a chance?

On with my hunt...ofcourse, with some more salt to taste :P

Photo courtesy: Mark Parisi

Your average IPL night...

2010-03-22T23:54:00.003+05:30

Him-Why did you switch off your phone?
Her-Umm, just like that. I was getting a lot of messages, got bugged.
Him-What messages?
Her-Kolkata lost, so all my ‘good’ friends didn’t miss the chance to flaunt that.
Him-So you switch off the phone? You know I call around this time..
Her-You are obsessed with Mumbai Indians. What makes you think talking to you will make me feel any better right now?
Him-Yaar, I support Mumbai for Sachin. Tendulkar is God. You know if I had to be a fan, I would only be Sachin’s. And I am.
Her-Half the world is. What so cool about that?
Him-Excuse me? Are you telling me being a Sachin fan is a bad thing?
Her-Am just saying being a Sachin fan is a safe thing. I mean everybody on planet earth knows he is demigod, he is a legend. Being his fan is herd mentality.
Him-And being a Dada fan makes you what? Unique?
Her-No, but he is one hell of a fighter. You cant put him down. He just keeps getting knocked out and he just comes back better. Falls again, rises again. Killer guy.
Him-He is old. He should just quit. He falls too bloody often.
Her-He has been the most successful Indian captain of all times, Sachin can never be a good captain. He can never instill the killer attitude Ganguly put in the kids like Bhajji, Yuvraj, Zaheer. Why don’t you except the fact that certain people are meant to do certain things? Ganguly is meant to lead a team, teach us about rising from the ashes. Sachin is meant to be an extremely successful, extremely boring cricketer to watch.
Him-Woah! You are on fire! Its okay, chill. Kolkata has lost again. Probably you should choose a different team. Will get to hear your laughter a little more often then.
Her-*Sigh* Lets just go to sleep. Am tired.
Him-Darn it! Cricket does this everytime! You end up fighting with me because of your stupid Dada!
Her-Hey! Am not fighting! And if you have noticed how these conversations go, then why not be careful next time on?
Him-You know what? Talking tomorrow is a good idea. You take care.
Her-Goodnight.

There are some places in your being where only you are allowed to be. Nobody, not even your beloved, can make an entry there. And because of the same reason, its better to go quiet sometimes. Because you cant explain. Because you cant reason. Because, you feel you are not being understood and you never will be. Because, on the other side of the fence, the other person is just as zapped. He is trying to figure you out just as much as you are trying to sort out that place in your system. And mostly, the ends don’t meet. Because mostly, the causes are not really worth fighting for.

But then, that is madness. What is great to you is silly to me. What is the world to me, is maybe a speck in the sand for you. Cant beat you, cant blame you.

That’s how life swings.

never mind

2010-03-12T17:39:00.000+05:30

am terribly blah. cant beat my blahness. feel like havent slept in ages. and people at work are so lame, not all, not the ones who are my friends, but mostly. i am tired.

my close buddies who called off their wedding are now gettin married. and am not going. yes, i feel so burnt out and used that my heart is just not in it. so while everyone else will be going and be remembered as true friends for decades and decades to go, i, the only one who patiently heard them both out, even let myself be used in the process, have been left out and will always be scarred for not attending the wedding. it sucks totally.

but i cant attend it still. my heart is really not in it. even the reception, well, let me think. i have two days to go for that one.actually, wish i could just be socially immune for a while.planet earth sucks.except for dogs.

Chaos

2010-03-05T21:10:00.003+05:30

She kept chanting to herself that day in the bathroom and washed her clothes vigorously. Yes, she could see it coming back but couldn't let it. It was not supposed to effect her that way again. She could fight it this time.

Too lame life had become, a job with a profile that made no sense, money that whooshed past every bloody month, a future that was chaotic, and relationships that threatened to become full fledged messy affairs if she didn’t pay notice. It was all too much..

A pack of noodles could help. Dressing up in her warm loose clothes that made her sing 'aal izz well' inside her heart, she went and put some water in a pan. Then she looked for a pen and a sheet of paper and started to scribble impatiently. Like if she stopped, the thoughts would jumble up and the words would come all together and become a line of unreadable gibberish that was becoming her life.

She put in the packet of spices into the boiling water and then retrieved it, half burning her fingers. This would be alright. Everything would be. She just needed work, some work, any work. She cracked the egg and poured it into the pan and randomly stirred it with a spoon. Not the kind of noodles her mom would approve of. But the kind she would have anyway.

The aroma brought back some sanity. She knew what was to be done. She just didn’t know how long it would take till some support came by. A signal, that yes, she was going the right way. She was walking a path that had a single broken, faded milestone and she had to bend down on both knees and scratch the surface to know how much more she had to walk to reach where she was headed.

Ten years back, she had dreams. When she would hit this age, she would be 'here'. And now, that 'here' seemed nowhere in sight. What was there, was a lot of things she hadn't foreseen.

Putting the noodles in a plate, she took a mouthful and burnt her tongue immediately. Like a sign from someone powerful up there, a sign that read 'take it slow or you'll burn down'.

Slow.Easy.Gradual. Things that never came naturally to her. A character attribute she had to build and was nowhere close to have achieved. And till she attained those virtues, everything about life was about lessons, it seemed.

To learn what love is, have a heartbreak first.
To know money, don’t have it at first.
To know what character is, lose it on your way to true love first.
To know sacred friendship of those few dear ones, fail a hundred times first.
To know what success is, slug it out first.
Lessons.
Life is a bitch.

She felt full after all the noodle eating and felt calmer.

Maybe food was the answer to everything.

Also love?

2010-01-29T23:29:00.003+05:30

She went into the shower the first thing. A hot, hot bath would do her good, yes. As soon as the slightly steaming water touched her tense shoulders, she relaxed. Almost loosened up. It couldn’t be that bad, she started to tell herself. So he was being unreasonable. He wasn’t liking her hanging out with so many of her guy friends, especially one of them, and that made her angry. It was fine really, weren’t they engaged? Was he really supposed to be upset?

No, he wasn’t upset, he was just being very monosyllablic about it. Yes, okay, you could do that, or you could just laze at home…were his exact words..

Why? Why should she laze at home? She had a tough week, fighting it out with mad bosses, shitty deadlines and work, well, never mind the work. Out of all this, which part was entertainment? And why couldn’t it be the way she wanted it to be..a stroll, a drive, a smoke, a movie, thoughtful conversations with a friend, all this was fine…should have been fine..to him as well..why was he being difficult?

The water made her sleepy, her bones were definitely tired. She wondered how undone would she be by her forties…sigh..

Drying herself and wearing her sweats and a jacket, she decided to call him up and ask anyway. But the phone beeped before she could reach it. The message read, ‘shona je t’aime’

And she was undone again. It wasn’t fair. Suddenly she forgot her resolve. Maybe she was being unreasonable as well. He lived far away and the fact that she was making new friends obviously unsettled him. So she could take it easy. Atleast for him.
Sigh. Of all things in the world, it was love that startled her the most. And beckoned to her the most.

She curled up in her blanket and began a long and warm conversation with him...

Sab chalta hai!

2010-01-18T00:40:00.002+05:30

Since morning, I was low as both he and baba had trains to catch. While his train was on schedule, baba’s kept getting late and soon, the delay got hilarious. It became 1am at night. Anyway, first Anjali came and we spent a lovely hour making fun of weird facebook albums of even weirder people. Soon she left and Mr.Forever came. He knew both my people were gone and hence decided to drop in for some ‘adda’. I had nothing to share so asked him to watch ‘How I met your mother’ with me. Gave him a little background ( though he would even watch astha tv with me) first.

Unfortunately for me, we watched the episode where all the characters discuss how they lost their virginities. So here I was, stunned into silence, watching all these American people doing it with enthu on a computer screen with my biggest admirer next to me. Sigh.

Soon, another friend dropped by. This friend recently called off her wedding with her boyfriend of ten years. It is a sad situation since then and we friends don’t know who to blame, it just gets nastier, the name calling etc. I was quiet and realized she had something to say and so smsed Mr.Forever ‘she has come to talk about the split. Wont say it with u around. Would u leave?’ the guy read it and yet stayed for tea and then left. I swear I could kill him.

Later, my girlfriend began with asking me how her ex was doing. I told her that his family was now looking for a girl to get him married asap, as they had been ruffled enough. She said she would probably die if that happened. (Funny, as she had called it off in the first place.) Then she went on to tell me how very unfair he had gotten in the end, and a little tear trickled from one of her eyes. I was a little taken by surprise as I associate the single-trickling-tear a sign of art cinema. I was impressed.

Then she went on to say how she would always hate him for making such a mess of the whole thing. I wondered if the poor guy going to a shrink to recover from the crisis wasn’t sad enough.

Another friend joined in. This smart ass is always copying his cooler friends. Being invited by two of his girlfriends to get suttas was an honor for him. So he got us some suttas and together, we stood in the super chilly verandah discussing life. He is soon going to New Zealand to study, and he urged our friend to also join him if she wanted to get out of the whole circuit for a couple of years. She said she was already in talks with a visa agency and was wondering about the course, when he said, ‘sab chalta hai! In new Zealand, you can go to study anything.’ I was shocked. This is what education had come to. One was using it to just go abroad and hit on poor firangi girls who didn’t know what they were going to be hit by, while the other simply wanted to escape. It saddened me a bit.

My girlfriend also kept talking to someone on the phone in a very soft voice that made us joke that after the whole fiasco, she should just become a serial dater. She laughed and joined in. I couldn’t understand how could someone be so okay with all that had happened just a little while back?

Were people taking things for granted or was I going too deep into the heart of things? One discussed education like it was a bloody tool to get to other things, while the other’s reaction towards her ten year old relationship moved from regret to excitement about the coming future with just a cigarette and a single tear.

Human beings confuse me.

Birthday Blues!

2010-01-07T14:58:00.001+05:30

It was his birthday and I decided to go a little out of my way. Only a little. There are reasons to that. Mainly because its long distance and there is a big chance things might lose their way in between. And secondly, he is a guy, and only these many things appeal to him, my options were less. So I did what I did best. I wrote him a letter. A brilliant hand written one. I told him he is perfect (overdid that part) and how things are totally different from what you expect them to be mostly. Like when I found him. Never had thought a vegetarian Jain boy with a very religious family fit into my scheme of things. And they somehow do, and very happily so. I astonish myself when I catch myself thinking fondly of the trip to his place, with all the love from his family, all the movie watching, greeting relatives, even wearing sarees! Phew! And it just fits. Wow!

I also took out a very old card I had bought from Hallmark, almost a decade back. Those were the days when I was a loner, mostly growing up and getting to know the world on my own. Had seen a card with a wrinkled newspaper with a crossword on its front that said ‘A friend is someone who is with you in your ups, downs and across!’ had absolutely loved the old charm it had and ever since, kept waiting to give it to someone. No one really fit the bill. But then he did and I wrote his name on the card and put it with the letter.

Next I went looking for a gift, in the more conventional way. Shirts, perfumes and I was done. I am trying really hard but I just cant get to like shopping. It bugs me and there are too many expectations! Why is silk in and khadi out? Why are baggy clothes never in? what is wrong with a big dial watch for me? I will never have the wisdom fashionable girls have, I guess.

Anyway, coming back to the gift hunting, I headed to Om book shop like it was my second nature and looked over books. Got my final Twilight book and then rummaged some more. I know he likes biographies, especially of really successful people, he read the speech of the Apple guy like a few fifty times and looked as inspired as a fresh orange does. And at the biography section, I saw a smiling Obama from the book called ‘Dreams of My Father’. Bingo!
Now that was my story.

He got the gift three days late, thanks to the fog and the sleet and ofcourse the distance. And once he opened it, he rejoiced. And umm, that’s all. On the phone he went, ‘Wow! Thanks so much, it was a beautiful thing to do. I promise I will read it. It reached today though…hehehe..really, I had no idea…you are too cute, you know I don’t read much and I think you will make sure I become a reader like you! Thanks!!’

Now, I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this. I mean some of it, I wanted to hear, but I am kind of unsure. I thought he will be surprised, and he was. But it was like he was very happy only, like it was a sort of a thing that was obvious to him, almost expected from me. Surprise wasn’t it. Since when did I get so predictable?

I hate waiting another year.

Happy 'Hope'y Year!

2009-12-31T12:14:00.002+05:30

Its almost time for a brand new year. But I guess a little flashback is going to be good for the system.

A lot has happened some good, some very good and well, some just about the regular fare that life dishes out. My elder sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and I don’t think I can thank God enough. Also, my mom is getting steadily and slowly better from her illness and it’s a strange feeling to be able to hope again, for her I mean.

Amongst other happy things, ahem, a friend, after remaining a pretty single for 24 years has finally decided to give love a shot, and while she says its still not love, what she means is, she is going with the flow and is enjoying whatever it is. I, of course have predicted greater things…

Nandu left for UK and that was like a punch in the stomach. But trust Nandu to do things differently. There is a mail almost every week from her and the pretty lass even sent a beautiful postcard from Falmouth. It is impossible to outdo her in caring for someone. Miss her and somehow, don’t miss her at all.
Love wise, things were like a river, flowing just that much. Comfortable and a breeze. Mature I am getting, is it?
Traveled a lot and even left the country in one of my trips. Wowie!!

Time for one of those I-am-thankful and I-will-remember lists. Here goes:

•Awesome friends, I didn’t fight the whole year!
•Stepping into a more serious relationship than ever. The funniest part is, the more serious it is getting, the lighter am feeling.
•Eating to my heart’s delight, knowing the coming year maybe a very different one.
•Music, movies and theatre, I love them all.
•Traveling too much, may the streak never break.
•Things stopped hurting that much. Infact, I could even smile about some of them.
•The job still sucks, but am doing quite fine, thank you.
•MJ died, and Lisa Ray is sick. I remember spending umpteen afternoons dancing to Beat It and Afreen, couldn’t have enough of these guys. Sigh.
•Gucci and my fight for his survival. Almost like one of those dog-human movies, we beat the odds again and again. Couldn’t do it without a few people though. To them!
•Too much merry making + too much being yourself = trouble. Point noted.
•Exes make for difficult friends. Especially if they are still not over it. Point noted again.
•Twilight happened and I realized out of all the scary creatures, vampires manage to make my knees go weak. Though werewolves are my type. Period.
•Experiencing a long distance relationship. Comments reserved. All I will say, however, is that I am getting there.

So in a nutshell or a coconut shell, that was my life this year. Probably a more tame one since the last few years, but I aint complaining. Life should be wild, tame and all things nice. Here is to wishing that 2010 will be a joyride!

What's age gotta do with it?!

2009-12-23T15:16:00.001+05:30

There was a time when I was super young. Like, really, literally young. If I ever fell in love with a sitcom actor (which I repeatedly did) I would imdb about him and wow I could see his date of birth and it was almost always four to seven years older than I was. And there on, I could dream about him. Happily.

Cut to now. Everytime I now try to imdb a new actor I like (for instance, the Twilight actors) they are always two to three years younger! And I lose my fantasy filled frenzy just like a glass of not-had Pepsi. The worst happened when this very cute actor I looked for turned out to be a 1992 born!!!! I mean, come on, who is born in the 90s?! sigh.

I have come to the conclusion that I will not imdb anymore. I didn’t realize at what point of time in life did I leave the cute cradle behind and became the cradle snatcher instead . Tcha!

A revelation

2009-12-20T13:47:00.000+05:30

I have since long been looking at ways to be free. It has been a long long time now. Every year, I decide, now I am this many years old. Surely, I can be free now? Or atleast freer than what I am now? And well, the kind of freedom I ache for evades me.
Now is the time though. Suddenly, its not only at sight, its very very easy even. I can see the ways to be free. I have found not one, but two such glorious ways to be so, to be content in the ‘now’, to be able to realize the bigger picture, like one would say.
I am hoping I am not lazy in its wake. I am hoping I take the best of it and become very powerful in my reality, the master of moi thoughts. It seems just around the corner now. It feels too good to be true.
But then, unlike other times, it is really, actually, true.

Dil, sad titli

2009-12-16T12:05:00.000+05:30

Feeling extremely melancholic. Its got nothing to do with affairs outside of myself, but something going on within. Have I said it enough times that I don’t like winters? Yes I am getting better at liking it and coping with it, but on days when it gets to me, I become really hopeless. People shouldn’t be such extremes. It seems like the end of the world on days like these.

The dark grey gloom that is everywhere in the sky absolutely kills the happy oxygen in my blood. Instead, something weird takes over. A longing, an unnamed thing which I want but don’t know how to get…Maybe I believe in tragedy too much. I believe in unrequited love and I totally believe that one is never the same after love has touched you.

Of course, there are different kinds of love. And you never love a different person in the same way. There is a new love, a new kind of emotion attached with a new person. But it is always different. And it’s a good thing that it is different, otherwise the comparisons would be too many to count and too difficult to overlook. It is a good thing that nothing is the same.

Everything is beautiful in its own special way. The love, the separation, the time alone, the tragedy that overwhelms you, the feeling of being on your own, and then the happiness. Each phase is beautiful, unique in itself. And it is good to know that books reflect you so totally sometimes. It makes you believe that somewhere in the world, each person is feeling one of these things, and imagining themselves to be the only one going through that. When I was lonely and sad, I thought I would die. And I thought the numbness would claim the whole of me. And now when I am happy, nothing really touches me, it’s a fleeting emotion, this everyday life. Things hurt on and off, but they don’t mess me up. But when am vulnerable, everything can attack, everything can hurt.

People around me have nothing to do with it. Not even things, situations, emotions. Its just something within, playing havoc.

Human spirit in all its glory!

2009-11-27T12:49:00.003+05:30

A lot of good things have happened over the few months and I am smiling. However, with all the good things in life, also come the retrospective things. Those which remind you of who you are, of what things could be, of how one should be.

My didi had a baby this month and is staying with us. So it became important that my pet Gucci left for some other place for the time being. We couldn’t find many takers because Gucci isn’t keeping well and needs medicines twice a day. The kennels are freaking expensive, to say nothing of the fact that I will be shit worried keeping him with a bunch of strangers.

So yeah, after seeing our plight, our house help came to the rescue. She loves Gucci and volunteered to keep him for a few months at her own place. She lives in Govindpuri (theres a cool little jhuggi down there) and I asked her if I could come see him sometimes. She happily agreed.

Yesterday, I was told Gucci refused to eat twice and my alarm went off. In the evening I rushed with my maid to her place, only to be told that while she was at our place, she kept Gucci at her mamaji’s house, which was only two doors away. So we crept up in thin alleys, crossed open drains, walked over two cats’ tails due to the darkness and finally leapt up a steep set of stairs where she knocked on a small chipped green door. And Gucci’s barks bellowed from inside. After two minutes, a much hassled mamiji opened the door and the sight my eyes met with, is probably life changing.

The room was as big as a Maruti 800 car’s interiors. More than half of the room had a high wooden bed that had a lot of space under it. That is where they kept all their clothes, utensils, paper, odd objects etc. Next to the door was a small gas, and in one of the gas corners, Gucci’s leash was tied. On the bed sat a tall lanky boy and a tall girl, the kids of the family I am guessing.

It was amazing. There lived four people inside this mousehole. And they cared enough to take a dog with them! To feed him, to give him medicines, to take care of him the whole day. If Gucci went wild with happiness, he could rip that room apart in just five seconds. And yet, this family laughed, told me tales about what Gucci was upto lately and also made a sad face when I told them I will take him home by the end of the year.

I had gone to meet Gucci cursing my luck for keeping him apart, for having to entrust him on people who are, least said, not doing so well themselves. And if I may add, I was upset for having to keep him at my maid’s place.

But all that vanished when I left that place. I was instead overcome by how great the human spirit can be, if the heart is in the right place. I realized Gucci couldn’t have been more loved than this. A family low on rice and roti was sharing theirs with him. Ofcourse I gave some money to them for his weekly kharcha, but that didn’t add an ich to what they were doing for me in return.

I sort of sat in between, very close to everything that was on the floor including the kids who were now standing instead of being on the bed. I cuddled Gucci for a while and they looked very anxiously at me for a reaction. I only gave them grateful smiles. Because they deserved that. And God knows, so much more than that.

2009-11-02T12:39:00.000+05:30

Gurgaon then.

Noida now.

:|

Feeling lonely amongst friends

2009-10-09T15:42:00.001+05:30

More and more friends are getting married. The social scene is changing in a way I never thought possible even a year back. Weren’t we in high school just that day? I was putting nail polish and J scolded me. J who was my best friend and also the head girl, she always had to let me pass without any punishment for my wayward behavior and only because, we were buddies. Those younger kids in the bus, swooning over posters of Leonardo Di Caprio that they bought from Archies with their pocket money, how very naïve they seemed even then! When they bunked school one day even after boarding the bus, I decided school bunkers weren’t cool. And in a few years’ time, when I was in college, I bunked three classes every week to go watch a movie with my boyfriend. Sigh. So much for ‘never’.

In college, the chai under the big tree of my old college canteen was like a flight to intellectual freedom, the kinds that came as a natural to my course. We would discuss movies, projects, even the last episode of the OC over plastic cups of tea and a cigarette or two. Leaving for home late into the afternoon, I would go home and tell Ma how we had seven lectures that day! Lying was such a trend, sometimes to be out with him, on other days, to simply hang out with friends, lying was a natural way of being in college. And it never felt wrong. It only felt ‘cool’.

Soon work life happened. And I took to it as efficiently as I took to books once upon a time. The friends I met at work somehow echoed the similarities we had as today’s generation and they became more than just colleagues. First job, then a second, and today, while I am looking for a third, I realize more than half of my life has been changed and defined outside my home. My friends, (who could be from school, college or work) are now steadily getting hitched. Either they are heavily dating, or they are walking the aisle. It is strange. Not in a bad way, though. The coffee partner I had is now going to get married in a month and is so blissfully dreaming of her life here on that somehow I don’t fit in anymore. The others who are engaged also seem to be looking forward to it than most of the other things in their life.

That leaves me where? I want to spend some more careless evenings with them, I want to know if we will be friends forever, but the equations are changing innocently enough..We no more discuss boys (sigh) or our careers (atleast for sometime to come) and what we discuss is something that keeps my emotional quo just about empty. I am happy for my friends all around me, very much so. But has friendship taken a backseat? Or is it one of those things that change with time and you suddenly realize it after it hits you slowly but effectively?

To me, it matters. But hopefully time will cure me of this ache too.

Waiting for Durga pujo, Nirvana or something similar!

2009-09-24T17:36:00.003+05:30

I have been back since two weeks now, and yet havent moved an inch in the blogosphere! Shady stuff! Well the thing is, I am working all day at work and at home, I just become blah. I have so much to say and write but in the end, I do neither. These amazing, life changing thoughts get choked midway somewhere. Sigh.

Durga Pujo is here and with every passing year, I am realising I am becoming one of those people out there. I even work on a shoshti and feel guilty taking an off on a shoptomi, and all this, being a true blue Bengali!!! What would be my blue blooded ancestors say?!I absolutely hate my corporate life, want to say nothing of the frustration levels that have risen to their max potential in the last few months, and am four vacations down, and yet, nirvana eludes me..

I dont think the plans I have for my future will help me achieve it either, they are very, what you call, normal. Get a better job, not fight much with my guy, look out for my folks, not fight much with my guy, look for a creative release beyond what I do, and then, I guess, settle down in some years. Nirvana, this?

Anyway, I wanted to drop in a word to say I will be trying to enjoy Durga Pujo for the next four days, and will definitely be writing frequently after that. Yes.

Till then, the little kid who never grew up inside my head says adios and plans to have a rocking pujo!

New Earth

2009-09-07T02:39:00.006+05:30

Am in Oman since the last ten days. While Muscat has been the first overseas discovery for me (more about that later) what has made me very very aware of the fact that we all are, at the end of the day,very fragile beings is the book I have been reading, Unaccustomed Earth. The people who live abroad, their lives, their marriages, their journeys are just so, inexplicably, vulnerable. They have it all, they are happy too, but yet, the emotions captured by the author are just, so real, mundane and painful. Sigh.
Being far away away from the comfy confines of my own bed, my internet and my pet, things do seem bleaker, and being on a holiday, am not supposed to let such sentiments wash over me. Yet I do, roaming around today like a person who has been sad for years, my family not understanding why fiction does this to me so very often...

Getting back to reality, enjoying my first full blown vacation in years, almost feel like a schoolkid out during summer vacations. Didi trying her very best to feed me with as many exotic dishes as she can buy and cook, but I dont gain weight, lol!

The best part are the beaches, Al Shatti Beach, Qantab beach, gorgeous white sand and clean clean water which apparently no Indian has yet mannaged to pollute, given the strict rules this Sultanate works within. Could learn a thing or two..
Did I say the New Friends colony shawarmas look downright stupid now? The average Mallu owned coffee shop shawarma here is just so much better, deliciously sinful, and well, not upsetting the tummy even when had more than the usual..Bliss!

So, well, as is clear, am going from high to low to sad to elated as easily even on a vacation! Ah moodiness, my beloved friend...

More when I come back!

The Hangover!

2009-08-08T12:21:00.002+05:30

Watched a crazy fuck movie, The Hangover. The movie has made me feel hilarious from the bottom of my being. Of course I am a drunk of the lowest order, I don’t remember most of my drinking sessions, the worst one being the day we celebrated Taniya’s birthday party. In the morning, there were cigarette marks on my arm and an earring missing and well I couldn’t remember how either had happened...

However, this movie has overtaken me, and then gone ahead at least to the next century by my standards. The four guys get so drunk and stoned, they don’t remember anything about their bachelor’s party the night before. In the morning, there is a tiger in the bathroom, a baby in the wardrobe, a hospital band on one of them, a broken tooth for the other, while the guy who is supposed to get married is simply gone, disappeared! They follow crazy clues, from the hospital to the Vegas wedding parlor where one apparently got married to a hooker, and from there to meet Mike Tyson whose tiger they had stolen later into their awesome night. They even have a naked chinky in their car trunk who turned out to be something of a mafia and demanded some bad ass money from them in lieu of their friend. They win blackjack in the casino and get the money but don’t get the right guy back from the thugs. Finally to realize where they had dropped him off!

It’s a completely funny movie, and I am ready to overlook the ample gross male naked behinds shown in the movie for the simply hilarious script! In the end, the wedding has a singer who sings, Welcome to the candy shop in the most seductively cheesy way ever!! Lol!

Classic daaru movie according to me, and God promise, if I am made of blue blood and vodka, I swear I will have one such effing party of my own before my wedding bells bellow!

A line by Allen: I am a loner who has a wolf pack within!

Humph!

2009-08-07T13:19:00.003+05:30

I am at odds with my folks currently. Of course I am angelic to them most of the time, but there are times, when things snap. I try very hard not to react when they are cynical and critical about me, I even practice deep breathing. Having a temper that rises quite suddenly is not a virtue, and with parents, definitely not. Though I can get past arguing with people of my age, but call me orthodox, I still do not promote arguing with folks yet. And this is where I eat my words.

I have had to, on more than one occasion, raise my voice. And very toxic when it comes to pointing out the truth, it has hurt them manifold. They have shed tears and told me they hadn’t expected this etc etc. Things do become bitter when a family argues. It may start small, but inevitably, it takes up more people in its wake and it ends ugly. And that is the part I oh so hate about life.

When you are this close to people, and they just decide to rip you apart on a fine day, its just not fair. Its how that fairytale went, the evil king’s weakness was in the parrot so the hero went and killed the parrot. I know bad metaphor, I am not an evil king or anything, am just a very humane being with some weaknesses of my own. There should be a law that bars your family from picking out your choicest vulnerabilities in a fight. It is so.not.done!

Coming back to the reality of my life, am coming to work with self prepared food (bread and butter in short) and am also walking till my faraway bus stop instead of my father dropping me. Oh for the uninitiated, it is called EGO in my family. For the record, neither is he making an effort. Today he tried putting in an omlette in my tiffin box, but I simply went and took it out. I am not ready yet.

These are trying times, and I am very tired, mentally and physically. I don’t really need to give a reason or a measure as to how very much tired I am, but yeah, till things look up, I shall remain my grumpy self. Suits this effing weather, anyway..

A day to celebrate!

2009-07-21T16:12:00.005+05:30

Feeling a sense of calmness and peace. Dont know why, but I guess it must have something to do with the fact that after an entire year, things look what they are..So much has been, that it is hard to believe such a day has come..

Of all things, have completed one year of writing a blog with fellow buddies, who are not always nearby..It has been difficult, but we have managed..I know we border on sarcasm and pure fun on most days, but that's what we are..And behind all that fun, we know where we stand in life, in each other's lives..Gives a lot of Hope, knowing you have friends..

A special thank you hug to Sriparna, a geeky 'pretty' frand in my life..Thanks for expressing 'purple coloured glasses' in a way I could have never etched in life..for being so different, and yet being so much in sync..to you!

The Harry Potter series have completed another movie, and with one more book to adapt, they will come to an end..sigh..First, I was waiting for the books, when they got over, I waited for the movies, and now they are coming to a close too...Does my childhood come to a closure with this? I dread the answers..
Life is like this, very slowly, the good parts come to an end..sometimes not that slowly though..and the bad parts, well, they come to an end too, just that they seem larger than life..or so it has been with me..

But am not complaining, am at peace, am just...discussing I guess..

Song am listening to right now: Hosh bekhabar se hue unke bagair..Wo jo humse keh na sake, dil ne keh diya...

Ideal date!

2009-07-10T15:58:00.003+05:30

It was a fine place to meet, she had decided. After all, she had always imagined this. They guy whom she would love and marry, would have to like a few things about her being a Bengali. And on top of that list was theater, movies and some Kolkata street food. And this chance had come once in a blue moon. He had agreed to come to Kolkata finally, to meet her cousins and see her city. And she had asked him for a date in Academy, the haven of intellectuals, of artists, of painters, of students who debated on world issues over plates of chicken rolls. And yes, thats what she was there for. Chicken rolls. The tastiest ones ever made on earth are actually made right here, in the small kitchen canteen of Academy...Sigh..

They decided to meet at her place, and from there, she took him to Academy, in a bus and then in a taxi. Throughout the journey, she kept talking. Talking about how she came there as a kid, how she literally memorised why each place was famous, and how she wondered how she would be able to remember all these places all her life.He kept smiling and soaking in the flavour of the city. So unlike Delhi, so classic in its being, so very laid back in its attitude and so very rich in its legacy...He could see where she got all that varied hues from...

The taxi stopped in front of a very gloomy blue-grey coloured building, with a huge garden in the front. The garden had statues of all shapes and sizes in it. Most of them were black or grey in colour and they looked as if they had been taken out of some other era and put here in modern Kolkata.

"And this is it! Academy! My favorite place in Kolkata! My folks would bring me here everytime we came for vacations and make me watch atleast one bangla natok. I would be itching for it to end so that I could get to the best part."

"Which is?" he asked with some of her excitement rubbing onto him.

She smiled and took his hand and took a right from the entrance. They kept going inside to what looked like a lonely lane behind the huge building. While he started to think it was one of her kinky ideas, the scene suddenly burst to life. There were hundreds of people in front of a small dingy canteen. The canteen looked like some matchboxes had been put on top of each other. The walls were chipped, the paint was worse than gone. A thin man was at the counter, swiftly taking money and handing out round coupons in yellow, red, green...

He was so amazed by the sight of this little joint, he didnt realise that she wasnt beside him anymore.
"Dada, ekta chicken roll and duto alur chop, ar duto mirinda!" she shouted out. She turned back and gestured him to come towards her and take the coupons to the kitchen inside.

He edged across the crowd, took hold of the coupons from her slender hand and looked around, not knowing which way to head. Also there were too many non vegetarians around him for comfort. Thankfully, she returned by his side and together, they handed their coupons to the sweaty man behind the slab.

While she waited impatiently, he wondered, how different they could be..She was a non veg lover, dreaming of good fish curry on most of the days and demanding what she called 'kosha mangsho' on a good Sunday. And here he was, a Jain boy, who ate just to survive, good veg food with not much thought put into it. On dates, while she would ask for chicken sanwiches and donuts and ice teas, he would have a paneer puff or a spinach sanwich! And yet, there was love...

When the plates came, he was almost guiltily greedy towards the smell that came from the chicken roll in her plate. Very quickly, he took a bite of his alur chop and gulped some Mirinda. Yummy. All around him, people were eating, talking with mouths full and discussing what sounded like Rabindra Nath Tagore, Buddhadeb Bhattacharya, Marx and sunday's kosha mangsho. What a different clan were these Bengalis, he wondered...

She had sensed he was in his own world, thinking of something of great importance, and brought him back to reality by saying, "So you like Kolkata?"
And he waited sometime and said, "Very very much..I used to wonder why I love you, and now I am wondering why I love this city..And somehow, everything fits..."

Sleepy conversations!

2009-06-26T00:58:00.003+05:30

Do you miss me?
No, I don’t. Duffer I miss you every freaking moment.
Then why on earth did we do what we did?
I guess we were acting smart, doing things to prove that there is more to us than just ‘us’.
And now we know that there isn’t?
Nope, now we know there is. Just that ‘us’ is the way we go about the rest of the things.
Hmm, interesting..
Ice tea?
Yes, I will make. You wait.
And how do you think I will have it?
Hmm, I suggest you come back just for the tea. Life can wait till morning.
Sigh, yes. By the way, I think I will come back. This just doesn’t feel right.
Really? Then you must!
Do you think we are taking a random decision, once again?
Yes, I think so. But what the heck! We are young, lets keep taking such decisions.
Then let me make a plan and come back. Then we will work out the rest of the things.
Yipee! I am letting you do something so foolish, but somehow, its not making me guilty at all!
Yes, we are behaving so OOC lately..
OOC?
Out of Character!
Hehehe, yes..why do you think we are?
Love, maybe?
Definitely!
Goodnight.
Night.

Surviving loneliness...

2009-06-23T16:48:00.003+05:30

You know you realize certain things when they happen to you. Well, in the past few months, I have found out something for myself, much to my sadness. I cannot survive alone. Ya, I can hear some saintly creatures laugh out loud in their self confident manner and also some very independent women I know smirking. But that’s that.

And its not like I haven’t tried. I really have. Mom’s illness has made Dad be in the hospital for more than once and I have happily volunteered to take care of the house, promising a running household while the folks were away.

While 11pm came smoothly enough, it took a lot of courage to last till 12am. It was especially painful keeping a look out at the door for ghosts (who had nothing better to do than lurk in my house) around 2am when the eyes wanted to sleep or be donated to science. But I didn’t budge from my look out position on the couch. You see, our couch is strategically placed, it has a view of every other angle of the house, while your back is against a wall. So no chance of a ghost coming from behind. Perfect.

Managing to survive a night alone is all about strategy, especially if you are a chicken. You have to run all your errands on time, finish food, place your pet within an inch’s radius, and make your bed before you get paralysed by fear to go into other rooms in the house. Also, it is ideal if you finish your loo issues for good before retiring, and yes, do not have more water later into the night.

Tata sky is an absolute help on such days, they have an Active Darshan channel that has Sai baba from Shirdi, Siddhivinayak Ganeshji from Mumbai, Krishna from ISKCON and a God from South India whose name ends with ‘eshwar’ always live on your screen. And there are matching bhajans going on each screen, so the ghosts mainly stay at bay.

Watching movies is a good thing, but I have realized that every time I have been left alone at night, the movies coming on tv are inevitably of the creepy variety (Jaws, Psycho and some horror ones I refuse to name) That only makes living to see another day more difficult.

I make plans in my head of inviting friends for night stays, for maggi meals at home, of endless movie watching, of ordering Chinese, but well, most of the days in a week are weekdays (read dumb, I know) and people don’t really manage to participate in such plans, especially when they have work next day. So, its just me again. And my strategies, of course.

If at all, I do fall asleep in the wee hours of the morning, I am rudely awakened by the garbage man whose aim in life is to ask for kuda in the crassest voice in the earliest of hours, making it a great day to look ahead to.

So, I am awake by 6 in the morning with an hour more to go for getting up, and not knowing what to do. That is when I notice the cutest furball on earth, still lying there beside you, sleeping and snoring softly, peaceful and irrespective of the havoc created by the ghosts in my head at night.

When I pick him up and cuddle him into my covers and fall into a little nap till my alarm rings, that is the sleep fit for kings. That is one of the most beautiful things on earth.
That makes these nights worth it.

Loneliness is painful for those who don’t have a dog, I guess..

!!

2009-06-22T15:03:00.003+05:30

And sometimes you simply need your sister around!

Life, Humbug!

Of hot days and depressing nights!

2009-06-04T15:21:00.004+05:30

Had thought will update this blog everyday. Had even thought of calling it my journal (yea I know it sounds very Anne Frank, but well that’s how it works here!) but look how lazy I get. I see so many interesting people everyday and I just don’t end up writing about them. Shame on me.

Well, things have been very hectic lately. Gucci has fallen sick again and I rue the day I fell for his puppy eyes and gave him corn to eat. Its been 6 months and Gods don’t seem to be too kind to him. Of course, he heals in time, but now I live in a constant fear of you know what (cant even write it. Am shit scared.) He is a headstrong dog and he proves it time and again, but cant he just be silly and happy now? I am tired and sad about how he constantly struggles..The medicines, the madness at home is just, well..draining me.

Also, am going to Kolkata right before my birthday (no matter how sad it sounds :p ) for the simple reason that I dont want to be here all by myself. Nobody will be around, so it’s a strange orphan feeling that I want to escape. Will have a fun time with cousins and N. Or so I am hoping.

Like I always keep telling Anjali, I live on hope. Not because its cheesily optimistic, but because it is so much better in my head when I imagine things to be happy and lively, minus the hard realities of everyday. Of course, some dreams and hopeful stuff I think of are pure fantasy, but its ok. Even if they won’t happen, I wont be losing out on much. Because I will have in my head things-that-could-have-been. And that is way better than having known the mundane reality instead.

For instance, till yesterday, we didn’t have tickets for our trip. And while the whole system faltered, people thugged us by not refunding tickets that weren’t booked properly, and the family was basically in chaos, I always knew we would manage. I keep thinking we will manage. Since eternity, I live like this. Wonder if its foolish…But works for me..

Have been wishing for rain for so long now, have even written fiction about it, but nothing seems to be working. The heat makes me angrier than when KKR lost matches. This season just doesn’t seem to get better. Now that we have come to ‘my month’ hopefully things will change.

Starting with the weather.

Not just yet!

2009-05-26T23:26:00.003+05:30

The song that played on the TV was from Dire Straits. So far away from me, so far I just cant see…She wondered why she had come to help him pack when she absolutely didn’t want him to go. Infact, the song just drove the point home. It was like begging her to react to the news.

Everybody had been asking her about how it felt to be on her own, without him in the city. She was trying to think up of answers, to sound politically correct or atleast honest. But she would give the vaguest answers like, ‘Well, one must do what one must do, its his dream, he must pursue it..’ and thought she had a winning statement.

But today was different. He indeed was leaving in the evening. And Dire Straits didn’t really help. Within a few seconds, tears rolled down her face and she knew this was the reaction people were expecting. Sniffing, she pretended to watch TV deeply when he came to the room and said, ‘Hey am almost done! But just cant find my charger..Help na..’

She didn’t answer.

‘Arre, whats up yaar? You came to help me pack? Now get up and look for…are you crying? Shit..’

He rushed to her and sat facing her. She sobbed heavily now and he kept asking her why she was crying (As if he didn’t really know). She now started crying and talking at the same time and told him how life was unfair, how being strong and letting him go was the stupidest thing ever, how she would leave the city and look for a job elsewhere just so that she could get back at people who left her…

‘You don’t want me to go today? Or anyday?’ he asked her in a voice that was almost like a man giving candy to a pre schooler.

She wondered. Go, he must. People shouldn’t be asked to stay just so that you are happy, people should live their dreams even if they may fail, there should be the knowing that they atleast tried. Life should not have regrets. We live just once and we must follow our passion. He had to pursue his, and as his lover, she was supposed to understand.

‘No you leave today. I had to end up crying I guess. Thought could handle it, but apparently, I cant. So go..’

He kissed her and got up to make a call. Came back and said, ‘Ok am not going today. Another week! And I will do it every time your nose runs like that when you cry!'

She was now smiling through her tears. He wanted to conquer the world, but as of now, things could wait. The world was here, in this moment..

A letter to the Vodka God!

2009-05-13T14:13:00.006+05:30

Dear Mr. Smirnoff,
I am writing this letter to you after deep thought (and after feeling steadier since all that merry making). In the past, there have been other moments when I have thought of communicating all these things I feel with you, but at no time has the urge been so very much.
Actually, the main reason I wanted to write to you was for congratulating you for making such a wonderful thing as your branded vodka. I need to tell you that other than love, vodka is the only other thing that makes me feel this way. There are a few things I have realized while partying last Saturday with some of my friends and your fine drinks.

Yes, a dazzling, glazed effect takes place. Without an effort, I can tell the jerk he is a jerk and tell the cute guy that he is cute. Also, a slur develops, hence no words come out as words. They are all songs. I can sing, ‘I want to eeeeeat now..’ and everyone scampers to get the poor damsel a plate.
The mechanics of the body do not remain linear. Cant walk straight for the life of me. However, walking haphazard is fun too. You can dance with everyone because you cant stay in one place too long! Just that I hate the part when I ride on someone’s foot or vice versa!
There is this happiness. I don’t know where it comes from. It possibly couldn’t be because of things happening in my life because they are, well, just too real, if you know what I mean..So this happiness is almost surreal, out of the world. I even smile at people I hate..
The foodie even forgets about food…I can stay for long hours without eating, just keep bringing the drinks..
You even cry..You tend to get over emotional and cry when you try to speak of things that hold meaning in your life…You cry for friendships lost, you cry for love lost, you basically cry for everything remotely hurting you…
When I get back home, I feel like having gallons of water, I feel totally parched and rummaging through the fridge for cold water only makes my parents more suspicious..They wonder if the swagger and the thirst for plain water add up to something fishy..But I tell them clearly, ‘I am not drunk if that’s what you are thinking Dad!’
Sleepless nights. I just don’t seem to get a good sleep thereafter, the night becomes one big cassette that keeps rewinding and forwarding the entire time I was partying and being merry. Who said you sleep like a log when you are drunk??
Hunger strikes around 3am on an average. And on that given moment, I can get up and look for food even without my glasses! Talk about superpowers! So ya, Mr. Smirnoff, your drink is almost like amrit in this regard…However, cant get the right food or eat, as my folks (esp my imsomniac Ma) will find it just a wee bit suspicious..again.
The next day is what you call a ‘passing phase’…this day was created so that people like us can get back to their two feet, and start feeling worthy of doing other things like watching TV, sharing normal conversations with the family etc..This day is best suited to be a Sunday…Also, friends start calling, from the noon time though, to tell you things you did last night, to share the humiliation with you..You feel no shame with these friends, cos they are in it with you…

In all, Mr.Smirnoff, life is a whole deal better for the beverage you produce. If it wasn’t for vodka, we would just be slaves working in huge companies and living lives of the plainest kinds..You bring forth our animality and creativity, which stay subdued otherwise…I thank you, and I promise you to carry on with the tradition of livening things up everytime I am in the company of like minded friends and your fine vodka.

Love,
High spirited girl :)

Laziness is thy name!

2009-05-08T17:01:00.000+05:30

Mintu has gone to the North-East to spend a blissful week with folks. She will be getting me tons of hilly dog pictures, and apparently momos too (but I doubt I will be having them, incase she is not kidding about getting such a perishable item from so far)So I am all on my own in the office. Not totally alone, there is Sing Song but I am really better off.

So many things I plan out for the weekend, but end up doing just about one fourth of all that. I am a shame in the name of the once OCD freak that I was. Used to place things in neat angles, and wash hands after I spoke to someone I didn't like. Now, I pretend it’s alright in any case and go about life. And the one that suffers is me own self. While objects and material possessions are still taken good care of, I am not doing a lot of things I should be actually. Meeting up friends is the worst hit in the schedule.

When the weekend approaches, I am raring to go with twenty plans in my head. I want to meet each and every friend of mine. Come Saturday and Sunday, and I end up doing chores at home and then watching a new movie from my pen drive. Then watching IPL also is quite an addiction, Lalit Modi, you really shouldn't have.. and finally surrendering to the Monday that lies ahead. Oh why!? Why do I don't go out and revel in the outside sun a bit? Why don't I meet up friends (who will soon be called ex-friends if I don't buck up) What is it that makes me so bloody laid back!? Ofcourse, there is work at home lately and I cant complain about that, but what there after?

I need to jot down points in favour of and against my laziness. Argh!
In favor:
I get to while away time
Time with Gucci at home
No physical work
No heat or dust or dreaded public transport
Less temptations regarding food
TV!!

Against:
A lot of malls have opened
Friends buy new stuff (and I don't)
You get momos outside only!
Might have no friends left soon!

So yeah, it seems balanced as of now..Will have to delve deeper to get my priorities further straightened up..As of now, the scales seem fine..
Its time for another weekend..tsk tsk..

Being 'friends'

2009-05-03T00:20:00.000+05:30

Well, the fact that Kolkata is losing every other match doesn't help. It is also very hot. So I cant even emote (read cry) because I sweat like mad. Disgruntled, I go for philosophical meetings and am asked why I stay serious. Now, being serious is really not my domain. So I must really be looking horrible if I give the idea that am serious. So I have decided I need to go to the beauty parlour a little more religiously. Women gotta do what women gotta do. After didi left India, it seems I have given up the idea of going to the parlour altogether. Even the parlour staff grin and chuckle when I enter nowadays. Having a fashion conscious didi had more advantages than I thought..

So, met this school friend (who has stayed a friend since then, only that I haven't spoken to her in between for a couple of years) in my Buddhism meets, and well, she hasn't changed. Over the edge, hyper and jumping words, sentences and everything else. Laughing before the joke gets over, guessing about a relationship before its happened and gossiping before the news is even out, all this and more. You would understand if someone would want to maintain his or her distance from her. While I have tried, being a school friend has only meant that there is no escape. Common friends, good ol' school days and now Buddhism, I have succumbed.

Have to meet her daily now, and she does a weird thing. She doesn't speak to me when I am physically present, but smses me as soon as I get back home. Also chats on gtalk and mails and phones. Today, I had to ask. "Why don't you talk in person?"
She tells me, "Am scared, I might say something, and you might make fun of me or hurt me in front of others. Remember how you bashed me up for gossiping about you three years back? So I measure myself before you."
Great.

So, I basically don’t feel good about myself right now. Though I know I bashed her up for the right reasons, I didn’t know it would make that big an impact in her life. I guess some are born with confidence while some are just not. And it is sad sometimes being superior or whatever it is that I am according to her, while she is such a sheep.

Tomorrow, we are doing a skit together where we are playing friends. I really hope it translates into real life. Or well, we will remain what we are now. Sad examples of friends.

Blast from the past!

2009-04-30T22:21:00.001+05:30

Shabby's mother suddenly fell sick. Had a cerebral attack and got admitted to a big hospital. Now, I am very clear about how I feel for Shabby. I have decided to give him 10 percent of all the friendship I am capable of, because that is about as much as he deserves. If his parents weren’t that good, probably it would have been a 5 percent, if even that. His mother, I really like. And that is the reason I didn't give it a second thought when I heard of her poor state. I rushed in my office bus and reached the hospital, only to find my friends at the entrance itself, including my "kind of best friend of once upon a time".

All our life, we had a chemistry we couldn't describe, and then a time came when we both became available and finally took a lunge at having what we call a relationship, only to fall flat on our faces. While the chemistry was still what art movies are made of, the reality part hit us hard. He wasn't ready to trust girls yet (given he was still hurting from the bitch who had hurt him 7 years back) and I wasn’t ready to give into demands just yet (of not talking to people who were my ex or otherwise) So it ended up sad, nasty and abusive (on his part) he found more reason to not trust girls when I finally decided it was enough for both of us. It was becoming a real art film, where the audience didn’t know why the couple had issues. Just that, here, I myself didn’t know what was the issue.

Coming back to yesterday, we both crossed each other's path like total strangers. He was leaving, and I was heading towards the hospital. Our common friends waited for something to happen, good bad I don’t know. They just expect things from us, I don't know why. But nothing really happened. I joined the rest of the gang, while he left in his car. I wondered how many gaalis he gave me on the way, now that my memories had become fresh in his mind again.
Sigh.

Aunty had a great operation, and I thanked the Gods up there. She really is full of life, such people don't look good on hospital beds. The evening in the hospital did seem to make me go back in the past. I missed his friendship, of all it was worth. Wish love hadn’t scarred it. Love is anyways such a bitch. The intellectual crap we could go on and on about, was like coffee. Gave me a kick, the evenings were fun..Am sure my emotions were echoed by him too. Just that now, things were so cold, strange, almost adult.

All our lives, we wait till we are given the chance to make our own decisions, act old. Now that we have our chance, look what we do with them! Life keeps teaching us stuff, I wonder when we pass…

Welcome aboard!

2009-04-30T22:18:00.000+05:30

This is much like a diary, only because its way easier to maintain than the diaries I once wrote on..Will update my life, on a daily basis..Wanted to call this blog CR Park times or something like that, but the name would be a little tabloid-ish…Plus it wouldn’t do justice to the emotions I have towards this locality, where I have spent 15 long years..The people here deserve a special mention for making me what I am (or possibly what I never wanted to be) Some incidents, some people even deserve a standing ovation..You will soon know why!

Trust me, this gets interesting!