Feeling lonely amongst friends

More and more friends are getting married. The social scene is changing in a way I never thought possible even a year back. Weren’t we in high school just that day? I was putting nail polish and J scolded me. J who was my best friend and also the head girl, she always had to let me pass without any punishment for my wayward behavior and only because, we were buddies. Those younger kids in the bus, swooning over posters of Leonardo Di Caprio that they bought from Archies with their pocket money, how very naïve they seemed even then! When they bunked school one day even after boarding the bus, I decided school bunkers weren’t cool. And in a few years’ time, when I was in college, I bunked three classes every week to go watch a movie with my boyfriend. Sigh. So much for ‘never’.

In college, the chai under the big tree of my old college canteen was like a flight to intellectual freedom, the kinds that came as a natural to my course. We would discuss movies, projects, even the last episode of the OC over plastic cups of tea and a cigarette or two. Leaving for home late into the afternoon, I would go home and tell Ma how we had seven lectures that day! Lying was such a trend, sometimes to be out with him, on other days, to simply hang out with friends, lying was a natural way of being in college. And it never felt wrong. It only felt ‘cool’.

Soon work life happened. And I took to it as efficiently as I took to books once upon a time. The friends I met at work somehow echoed the similarities we had as today’s generation and they became more than just colleagues. First job, then a second, and today, while I am looking for a third, I realize more than half of my life has been changed and defined outside my home. My friends, (who could be from school, college or work) are now steadily getting hitched. Either they are heavily dating, or they are walking the aisle. It is strange. Not in a bad way, though. The coffee partner I had is now going to get married in a month and is so blissfully dreaming of her life here on that somehow I don’t fit in anymore. The others who are engaged also seem to be looking forward to it than most of the other things in their life.

That leaves me where? I want to spend some more careless evenings with them, I want to know if we will be friends forever, but the equations are changing innocently enough..We no more discuss boys (sigh) or our careers (atleast for sometime to come) and what we discuss is something that keeps my emotional quo just about empty. I am happy for my friends all around me, very much so. But has friendship taken a backseat? Or is it one of those things that change with time and you suddenly realize it after it hits you slowly but effectively?

To me, it matters. But hopefully time will cure me of this ache too.

Waiting for Durga pujo, Nirvana or something similar!

I have been back since two weeks now, and yet havent moved an inch in the blogosphere! Shady stuff! Well the thing is, I am working all day at work and at home, I just become blah. I have so much to say and write but in the end, I do neither. These amazing, life changing thoughts get choked midway somewhere. Sigh.

Durga Pujo is here and with every passing year, I am realising I am becoming one of those people out there. I even work on a shoshti and feel guilty taking an off on a shoptomi, and all this, being a true blue Bengali!!! What would be my blue blooded ancestors say?!I absolutely hate my corporate life, want to say nothing of the frustration levels that have risen to their max potential in the last few months, and am four vacations down, and yet, nirvana eludes me..

I dont think the plans I have for my future will help me achieve it either, they are very, what you call, normal. Get a better job, not fight much with my guy, look out for my folks, not fight much with my guy, look for a creative release beyond what I do, and then, I guess, settle down in some years. Nirvana, this?

Anyway, I wanted to drop in a word to say I will be trying to enjoy Durga Pujo for the next four days, and will definitely be writing frequently after that. Yes.

Till then, the little kid who never grew up inside my head says adios and plans to have a rocking pujo!

New Earth

Am in Oman since the last ten days. While Muscat has been the first overseas discovery for me (more about that later) what has made me very very aware of the fact that we all are, at the end of the day,very fragile beings is the book I have been reading, Unaccustomed Earth. The people who live abroad, their lives, their marriages, their journeys are just so, inexplicably, vulnerable. They have it all, they are happy too, but yet, the emotions captured by the author are just, so real, mundane and painful. Sigh.
Being far away away from the comfy confines of my own bed, my internet and my pet, things do seem bleaker, and being on a holiday, am not supposed to let such sentiments wash over me. Yet I do, roaming around today like a person who has been sad for years, my family not understanding why fiction does this to me so very often...

Getting back to reality, enjoying my first full blown vacation in years, almost feel like a schoolkid out during summer vacations. Didi trying her very best to feed me with as many exotic dishes as she can buy and cook, but I dont gain weight, lol!

The best part are the beaches, Al Shatti Beach, Qantab beach, gorgeous white sand and clean clean water which apparently no Indian has yet mannaged to pollute, given the strict rules this Sultanate works within. Could learn a thing or two..
Did I say the New Friends colony shawarmas look downright stupid now? The average Mallu owned coffee shop shawarma here is just so much better, deliciously sinful, and well, not upsetting the tummy even when had more than the usual..Bliss!

So, well, as is clear, am going from high to low to sad to elated as easily even on a vacation! Ah moodiness, my beloved friend...

More when I come back!

The Hangover!

Watched a crazy fuck movie, The Hangover. The movie has made me feel hilarious from the bottom of my being. Of course I am a drunk of the lowest order, I don’t remember most of my drinking sessions, the worst one being the day we celebrated Taniya’s birthday party. In the morning, there were cigarette marks on my arm and an earring missing and well I couldn’t remember how either had happened...

However, this movie has overtaken me, and then gone ahead at least to the next century by my standards. The four guys get so drunk and stoned, they don’t remember anything about their bachelor’s party the night before. In the morning, there is a tiger in the bathroom, a baby in the wardrobe, a hospital band on one of them, a broken tooth for the other, while the guy who is supposed to get married is simply gone, disappeared! They follow crazy clues, from the hospital to the Vegas wedding parlor where one apparently got married to a hooker, and from there to meet Mike Tyson whose tiger they had stolen later into their awesome night. They even have a naked chinky in their car trunk who turned out to be something of a mafia and demanded some bad ass money from them in lieu of their friend. They win blackjack in the casino and get the money but don’t get the right guy back from the thugs. Finally to realize where they had dropped him off!

It’s a completely funny movie, and I am ready to overlook the ample gross male naked behinds shown in the movie for the simply hilarious script! In the end, the wedding has a singer who sings, Welcome to the candy shop in the most seductively cheesy way ever!! Lol!

Classic daaru movie according to me, and God promise, if I am made of blue blood and vodka, I swear I will have one such effing party of my own before my wedding bells bellow!

A line by Allen: I am a loner who has a wolf pack within!

Humph!

I am at odds with my folks currently. Of course I am angelic to them most of the time, but there are times, when things snap. I try very hard not to react when they are cynical and critical about me, I even practice deep breathing. Having a temper that rises quite suddenly is not a virtue, and with parents, definitely not. Though I can get past arguing with people of my age, but call me orthodox, I still do not promote arguing with folks yet. And this is where I eat my words.

I have had to, on more than one occasion, raise my voice. And very toxic when it comes to pointing out the truth, it has hurt them manifold. They have shed tears and told me they hadn’t expected this etc etc. Things do become bitter when a family argues. It may start small, but inevitably, it takes up more people in its wake and it ends ugly. And that is the part I oh so hate about life.

When you are this close to people, and they just decide to rip you apart on a fine day, its just not fair. Its how that fairytale went, the evil king’s weakness was in the parrot so the hero went and killed the parrot. I know bad metaphor, I am not an evil king or anything, am just a very humane being with some weaknesses of my own. There should be a law that bars your family from picking out your choicest vulnerabilities in a fight. It is so.not.done!

Coming back to the reality of my life, am coming to work with self prepared food (bread and butter in short) and am also walking till my faraway bus stop instead of my father dropping me. Oh for the uninitiated, it is called EGO in my family. For the record, neither is he making an effort. Today he tried putting in an omlette in my tiffin box, but I simply went and took it out. I am not ready yet.

These are trying times, and I am very tired, mentally and physically. I don’t really need to give a reason or a measure as to how very much tired I am, but yeah, till things look up, I shall remain my grumpy self. Suits this effing weather, anyway..

A day to celebrate!

Feeling a sense of calmness and peace. Dont know why, but I guess it must have something to do with the fact that after an entire year, things look what they are..So much has been, that it is hard to believe such a day has come..

Of all things, have completed one year of writing a blog with fellow buddies, who are not always nearby..It has been difficult, but we have managed..I know we border on sarcasm and pure fun on most days, but that's what we are..And behind all that fun, we know where we stand in life, in each other's lives..Gives a lot of Hope, knowing you have friends..

A special thank you hug to Sriparna, a geeky 'pretty' frand in my life..Thanks for expressing 'purple coloured glasses' in a way I could have never etched in life..for being so different, and yet being so much in sync..to you!

The Harry Potter series have completed another movie, and with one more book to adapt, they will come to an end..sigh..First, I was waiting for the books, when they got over, I waited for the movies, and now they are coming to a close too...Does my childhood come to a closure with this? I dread the answers..
Life is like this, very slowly, the good parts come to an end..sometimes not that slowly though..and the bad parts, well, they come to an end too, just that they seem larger than life..or so it has been with me..

But am not complaining, am at peace, am just...discussing I guess..

Song am listening to right now: Hosh bekhabar se hue unke bagair..Wo jo humse keh na sake, dil ne keh diya...

Ideal date!

It was a fine place to meet, she had decided. After all, she had always imagined this. They guy whom she would love and marry, would have to like a few things about her being a Bengali. And on top of that list was theater, movies and some Kolkata street food. And this chance had come once in a blue moon. He had agreed to come to Kolkata finally, to meet her cousins and see her city. And she had asked him for a date in Academy, the haven of intellectuals, of artists, of painters, of students who debated on world issues over plates of chicken rolls. And yes, thats what she was there for. Chicken rolls. The tastiest ones ever made on earth are actually made right here, in the small kitchen canteen of Academy...Sigh..

They decided to meet at her place, and from there, she took him to Academy, in a bus and then in a taxi. Throughout the journey, she kept talking. Talking about how she came there as a kid, how she literally memorised why each place was famous, and how she wondered how she would be able to remember all these places all her life.He kept smiling and soaking in the flavour of the city. So unlike Delhi, so classic in its being, so very laid back in its attitude and so very rich in its legacy...He could see where she got all that varied hues from...

The taxi stopped in front of a very gloomy blue-grey coloured building, with a huge garden in the front. The garden had statues of all shapes and sizes in it. Most of them were black or grey in colour and they looked as if they had been taken out of some other era and put here in modern Kolkata.

"And this is it! Academy! My favorite place in Kolkata! My folks would bring me here everytime we came for vacations and make me watch atleast one bangla natok. I would be itching for it to end so that I could get to the best part."

"Which is?" he asked with some of her excitement rubbing onto him.

She smiled and took his hand and took a right from the entrance. They kept going inside to what looked like a lonely lane behind the huge building. While he started to think it was one of her kinky ideas, the scene suddenly burst to life. There were hundreds of people in front of a small dingy canteen. The canteen looked like some matchboxes had been put on top of each other. The walls were chipped, the paint was worse than gone. A thin man was at the counter, swiftly taking money and handing out round coupons in yellow, red, green...

He was so amazed by the sight of this little joint, he didnt realise that she wasnt beside him anymore.
"Dada, ekta chicken roll and duto alur chop, ar duto mirinda!" she shouted out. She turned back and gestured him to come towards her and take the coupons to the kitchen inside.

He edged across the crowd, took hold of the coupons from her slender hand and looked around, not knowing which way to head. Also there were too many non vegetarians around him for comfort. Thankfully, she returned by his side and together, they handed their coupons to the sweaty man behind the slab.

While she waited impatiently, he wondered, how different they could be..She was a non veg lover, dreaming of good fish curry on most of the days and demanding what she called 'kosha mangsho' on a good Sunday. And here he was, a Jain boy, who ate just to survive, good veg food with not much thought put into it. On dates, while she would ask for chicken sanwiches and donuts and ice teas, he would have a paneer puff or a spinach sanwich! And yet, there was love...

When the plates came, he was almost guiltily greedy towards the smell that came from the chicken roll in her plate. Very quickly, he took a bite of his alur chop and gulped some Mirinda. Yummy. All around him, people were eating, talking with mouths full and discussing what sounded like Rabindra Nath Tagore, Buddhadeb Bhattacharya, Marx and sunday's kosha mangsho. What a different clan were these Bengalis, he wondered...

She had sensed he was in his own world, thinking of something of great importance, and brought him back to reality by saying, "So you like Kolkata?"
And he waited sometime and said, "Very very much..I used to wonder why I love you, and now I am wondering why I love this city..And somehow, everything fits..."