driftwood.

of all the friends one has and lost, the ones that hurt the most are the ones that drift apart. staying friends is good, fighting and getting over them is also exciting (for the moment), but drifting apart is a handicap that weighs you down.

why dont we see things in the same light anymore? why did we stop calling each other? why did we not make the effort to call up and hear the daily crap he or she was dishing out when we had the chance? yes, i have been there and more often than not, have been the drifter while the other, the driftee.

The drifter is a strangely egotistical rascal who enjoys the supreme knowledge that he or she is loved and needed in the driftee's life. She expects to be called on a daily basis, given updates to and to be remembered right at the beginning of sharing great news, be it a job or having a boyfriend. The drifter knows she is indispensable in her own way and 'assumes' that there isnt much work to be done on her part. and it does work mostly. till sometime later in life.

The driftee begins to feel unequal, has a sudden sense of comparison with the drifter's other friends and eventually, goes round and round in his or her head to figure out what happens next. more often than not, they deduce and link it to self worth and slowly curl up in personal hell of silence. The drifter doesnt get the 'drift' of whats happening and soon, the calls are lesser, the visits are zero and the friendship is...ummm what friendship?

While the process is very convoluted and is based on a lot of misinterpretations on both sides, the result is always the same. people drift apart. the friend who once called you up at 2am in the night to share their parents' divorce in a choked voice now simply goes wassup on your gtalk. what is worse, you suddenly realise it years later and wish something bad happened to them so they would speak to you, a little more non-virtually, that is. sheesh.

working this out wasnt so difficult, doing anything about it anymore, is.

Being 'friends'

Well, the fact that Kolkata is losing every other match doesn't help. It is also very hot. So I cant even emote (read cry) because I sweat like mad. Disgruntled, I go for philosophical meetings and am asked why I stay serious. Now, being serious is really not my domain. So I must really be looking horrible if I give the idea that am serious. So I have decided I need to go to the beauty parlour a little more religiously. Women gotta do what women gotta do. After didi left India, it seems I have given up the idea of going to the parlour altogether. Even the parlour staff grin and chuckle when I enter nowadays. Having a fashion conscious didi had more advantages than I thought..

So, met this school friend (who has stayed a friend since then, only that I haven't spoken to her in between for a couple of years) in my Buddhism meets, and well, she hasn't changed. Over the edge, hyper and jumping words, sentences and everything else. Laughing before the joke gets over, guessing about a relationship before its happened and gossiping before the news is even out, all this and more. You would understand if someone would want to maintain his or her distance from her. While I have tried, being a school friend has only meant that there is no escape. Common friends, good ol' school days and now Buddhism, I have succumbed.

Have to meet her daily now, and she does a weird thing. She doesn't speak to me when I am physically present, but smses me as soon as I get back home. Also chats on gtalk and mails and phones. Today, I had to ask. "Why don't you talk in person?"
She tells me, "Am scared, I might say something, and you might make fun of me or hurt me in front of others. Remember how you bashed me up for gossiping about you three years back? So I measure myself before you."
Great.

So, I basically don’t feel good about myself right now. Though I know I bashed her up for the right reasons, I didn’t know it would make that big an impact in her life. I guess some are born with confidence while some are just not. And it is sad sometimes being superior or whatever it is that I am according to her, while she is such a sheep.

Tomorrow, we are doing a skit together where we are playing friends. I really hope it translates into real life. Or well, we will remain what we are now. Sad examples of friends.