Keeping kaam se kaam

Suddenly, they dynamics of the office is getting pretty clear. Here you think you have chosen your friends, you have decided who your enemies are, you want to impress some and you want to undermine some. But with every passing week, the equations change. The friends kind of disappoint you in certain ways, the enemies seem stable and workable from a distance. The ones that must be impressed just take up a lot of your energy and the ones that should be undermined, well, there’s no telling how much is too much. You want to piss them off but you might need them later.

So I am not comfortable with married Gavin. He is not someone I want be friends with, much less be ‘close friends’ as he thinks we ‘already’ are. Another one of those I lead on, it seems. But we are in the same team and I cannot be avoiding him. Darn.
My car buddy is interesting though. From not talking much to letting her heart out about how much her teammate bugs her, was drastic. And the loathing in Texas is just too heavy in the air. She apparently is even ready for the day when I will be influenced enough to stop talking to her after hearing from her teammate. Years in the same company does that to you, I always say. Yesterday, she told me she was surprised how much she had let me in.

My friends don’t want me taking up so much because that shows I am available. What does available mean at the workplace anyway? From nicely advising me, they have now stooped to sarcastic comments. “Go out in the sun and get your stories, don’t tell us when boss loads you with more work” is something I hear every time I say I am tired now. A simple statement comes with baggage.

Its coming close to a year and I have stayed quiet in the beginning, moved to speaking carefully marking my territory and now, I feel I am gossiping too much. I complain about work, people and let people say the same things to me. Its kind of mediocre and bad but I don’t see how I can ask people to rise above the average and say nice things. Page 1, social impact awards later, I feel some of the nice ones slipping away. A small town, a smaller workplace and its that easy for things to get to you. And of course, that typical stigma of ‘if you smoke with the guys, you are obviously gossiped about and not a nice girl.’

In the end, maybe you need to just do your work and be nice, no matter what. That’s the plan for this month.

Your average IPL night...

Him-Why did you switch off your phone?
Her-Umm, just like that. I was getting a lot of messages, got bugged.
Him-What messages?
Her-Kolkata lost, so all my ‘good’ friends didn’t miss the chance to flaunt that.
Him-So you switch off the phone? You know I call around this time..
Her-You are obsessed with Mumbai Indians. What makes you think talking to you will make me feel any better right now?
Him-Yaar, I support Mumbai for Sachin. Tendulkar is God. You know if I had to be a fan, I would only be Sachin’s. And I am.
Her-Half the world is. What so cool about that?
Him-Excuse me? Are you telling me being a Sachin fan is a bad thing?
Her-Am just saying being a Sachin fan is a safe thing. I mean everybody on planet earth knows he is demigod, he is a legend. Being his fan is herd mentality.
Him-And being a Dada fan makes you what? Unique?
Her-No, but he is one hell of a fighter. You cant put him down. He just keeps getting knocked out and he just comes back better. Falls again, rises again. Killer guy.
Him-He is old. He should just quit. He falls too bloody often.
Her-He has been the most successful Indian captain of all times, Sachin can never be a good captain. He can never instill the killer attitude Ganguly put in the kids like Bhajji, Yuvraj, Zaheer. Why don’t you except the fact that certain people are meant to do certain things? Ganguly is meant to lead a team, teach us about rising from the ashes. Sachin is meant to be an extremely successful, extremely boring cricketer to watch.
Him-Woah! You are on fire! Its okay, chill. Kolkata has lost again. Probably you should choose a different team. Will get to hear your laughter a little more often then.
Her-*Sigh* Lets just go to sleep. Am tired.
Him-Darn it! Cricket does this everytime! You end up fighting with me because of your stupid Dada!
Her-Hey! Am not fighting! And if you have noticed how these conversations go, then why not be careful next time on?
Him-You know what? Talking tomorrow is a good idea. You take care.
Her-Goodnight.

There are some places in your being where only you are allowed to be. Nobody, not even your beloved, can make an entry there. And because of the same reason, its better to go quiet sometimes. Because you cant explain. Because you cant reason. Because, you feel you are not being understood and you never will be. Because, on the other side of the fence, the other person is just as zapped. He is trying to figure you out just as much as you are trying to sort out that place in your system. And mostly, the ends don’t meet. Because mostly, the causes are not really worth fighting for.

But then, that is madness. What is great to you is silly to me. What is the world to me, is maybe a speck in the sand for you. Cant beat you, cant blame you.

That’s how life swings.

never mind

am terribly blah. cant beat my blahness. feel like havent slept in ages. and people at work are so lame, not all, not the ones who are my friends, but mostly. i am tired.

my close buddies who called off their wedding are now gettin married. and am not going. yes, i feel so burnt out and used that my heart is just not in it. so while everyone else will be going and be remembered as true friends for decades and decades to go, i, the only one who patiently heard them both out, even let myself be used in the process, have been left out and will always be scarred for not attending the wedding. it sucks totally.

but i cant attend it still. my heart is really not in it. even the reception, well, let me think. i have two days to go for that one.actually, wish i could just be socially immune for a while.planet earth sucks.except for dogs.