I am at odds with my folks currently. Of course I am angelic to them most of the time, but there are times, when things snap. I try very hard not to react when they are cynical and critical about me, I even practice deep breathing. Having a temper that rises quite suddenly is not a virtue, and with parents, definitely not. Though I can get past arguing with people of my age, but call me orthodox, I still do not promote arguing with folks yet. And this is where I eat my words.
I have had to, on more than one occasion, raise my voice. And very toxic when it comes to pointing out the truth, it has hurt them manifold. They have shed tears and told me they hadn’t expected this etc etc. Things do become bitter when a family argues. It may start small, but inevitably, it takes up more people in its wake and it ends ugly. And that is the part I oh so hate about life.
When you are this close to people, and they just decide to rip you apart on a fine day, its just not fair. Its how that fairytale went, the evil king’s weakness was in the parrot so the hero went and killed the parrot. I know bad metaphor, I am not an evil king or anything, am just a very humane being with some weaknesses of my own. There should be a law that bars your family from picking out your choicest vulnerabilities in a fight. It is so.not.done!
Coming back to the reality of my life, am coming to work with self prepared food (bread and butter in short) and am also walking till my faraway bus stop instead of my father dropping me. Oh for the uninitiated, it is called EGO in my family. For the record, neither is he making an effort. Today he tried putting in an omlette in my tiffin box, but I simply went and took it out. I am not ready yet.
These are trying times, and I am very tired, mentally and physically. I don’t really need to give a reason or a measure as to how very much tired I am, but yeah, till things look up, I shall remain my grumpy self. Suits this effing weather, anyway..
Friday, August 7, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
A day to celebrate!
Feeling a sense of calmness and peace. Dont know why, but I guess it must have something to do with the fact that after an entire year, things look what they are..So much has been, that it is hard to believe such a day has come..
Of all things, have completed one year of writing a blog with fellow buddies, who are not always nearby..It has been difficult, but we have managed..I know we border on sarcasm and pure fun on most days, but that's what we are..And behind all that fun, we know where we stand in life, in each other's lives..Gives a lot of Hope, knowing you have friends..
A special thank you hug to Sriparna, a geeky 'pretty' frand in my life..Thanks for expressing 'purple coloured glasses' in a way I could have never etched in life..for being so different, and yet being so much in sync..to you!
The Harry Potter series have completed another movie, and with one more book to adapt, they will come to an end..sigh..First, I was waiting for the books, when they got over, I waited for the movies, and now they are coming to a close too...Does my childhood come to a closure with this? I dread the answers..
Life is like this, very slowly, the good parts come to an end..sometimes not that slowly though..and the bad parts, well, they come to an end too, just that they seem larger than life..or so it has been with me..
But am not complaining, am at peace, am just...discussing I guess..
Song am listening to right now: Hosh bekhabar se hue unke bagair..Wo jo humse keh na sake, dil ne keh diya...
Of all things, have completed one year of writing a blog with fellow buddies, who are not always nearby..It has been difficult, but we have managed..I know we border on sarcasm and pure fun on most days, but that's what we are..And behind all that fun, we know where we stand in life, in each other's lives..Gives a lot of Hope, knowing you have friends..
A special thank you hug to Sriparna, a geeky 'pretty' frand in my life..Thanks for expressing 'purple coloured glasses' in a way I could have never etched in life..for being so different, and yet being so much in sync..to you!
The Harry Potter series have completed another movie, and with one more book to adapt, they will come to an end..sigh..First, I was waiting for the books, when they got over, I waited for the movies, and now they are coming to a close too...Does my childhood come to a closure with this? I dread the answers..
Life is like this, very slowly, the good parts come to an end..sometimes not that slowly though..and the bad parts, well, they come to an end too, just that they seem larger than life..or so it has been with me..
But am not complaining, am at peace, am just...discussing I guess..
Song am listening to right now: Hosh bekhabar se hue unke bagair..Wo jo humse keh na sake, dil ne keh diya...
Friday, July 10, 2009
Ideal date!
It was a fine place to meet, she had decided. After all, she had always imagined this. They guy whom she would love and marry, would have to like a few things about her being a Bengali. And on top of that list was theater, movies and some Kolkata street food. And this chance had come once in a blue moon. He had agreed to come to Kolkata finally, to meet her cousins and see her city. And she had asked him for a date in Academy, the haven of intellectuals, of artists, of painters, of students who debated on world issues over plates of chicken rolls. And yes, thats what she was there for. Chicken rolls. The tastiest ones ever made on earth are actually made right here, in the small kitchen canteen of Academy...Sigh..
They decided to meet at her place, and from there, she took him to Academy, in a bus and then in a taxi. Throughout the journey, she kept talking. Talking about how she came there as a kid, how she literally memorised why each place was famous, and how she wondered how she would be able to remember all these places all her life.He kept smiling and soaking in the flavour of the city. So unlike Delhi, so classic in its being, so very laid back in its attitude and so very rich in its legacy...He could see where she got all that varied hues from...
The taxi stopped in front of a very gloomy blue-grey coloured building, with a huge garden in the front. The garden had statues of all shapes and sizes in it. Most of them were black or grey in colour and they looked as if they had been taken out of some other era and put here in modern Kolkata.
"And this is it! Academy! My favorite place in Kolkata! My folks would bring me here everytime we came for vacations and make me watch atleast one bangla natok. I would be itching for it to end so that I could get to the best part."
"Which is?" he asked with some of her excitement rubbing onto him.
She smiled and took his hand and took a right from the entrance. They kept going inside to what looked like a lonely lane behind the huge building. While he started to think it was one of her kinky ideas, the scene suddenly burst to life. There were hundreds of people in front of a small dingy canteen. The canteen looked like some matchboxes had been put on top of each other. The walls were chipped, the paint was worse than gone. A thin man was at the counter, swiftly taking money and handing out round coupons in yellow, red, green...
He was so amazed by the sight of this little joint, he didnt realise that she wasnt beside him anymore.
"Dada, ekta chicken roll and duto alur chop, ar duto mirinda!" she shouted out. She turned back and gestured him to come towards her and take the coupons to the kitchen inside.
He edged across the crowd, took hold of the coupons from her slender hand and looked around, not knowing which way to head. Also there were too many non vegetarians around him for comfort. Thankfully, she returned by his side and together, they handed their coupons to the sweaty man behind the slab.
While she waited impatiently, he wondered, how different they could be..She was a non veg lover, dreaming of good fish curry on most of the days and demanding what she called 'kosha mangsho' on a good Sunday. And here he was, a Jain boy, who ate just to survive, good veg food with not much thought put into it. On dates, while she would ask for chicken sanwiches and donuts and ice teas, he would have a paneer puff or a spinach sanwich! And yet, there was love...
When the plates came, he was almost guiltily greedy towards the smell that came from the chicken roll in her plate. Very quickly, he took a bite of his alur chop and gulped some Mirinda. Yummy. All around him, people were eating, talking with mouths full and discussing what sounded like Rabindra Nath Tagore, Buddhadeb Bhattacharya, Marx and sunday's kosha mangsho. What a different clan were these Bengalis, he wondered...
She had sensed he was in his own world, thinking of something of great importance, and brought him back to reality by saying, "So you like Kolkata?"
And he waited sometime and said, "Very very much..I used to wonder why I love you, and now I am wondering why I love this city..And somehow, everything fits..."
They decided to meet at her place, and from there, she took him to Academy, in a bus and then in a taxi. Throughout the journey, she kept talking. Talking about how she came there as a kid, how she literally memorised why each place was famous, and how she wondered how she would be able to remember all these places all her life.He kept smiling and soaking in the flavour of the city. So unlike Delhi, so classic in its being, so very laid back in its attitude and so very rich in its legacy...He could see where she got all that varied hues from...
The taxi stopped in front of a very gloomy blue-grey coloured building, with a huge garden in the front. The garden had statues of all shapes and sizes in it. Most of them were black or grey in colour and they looked as if they had been taken out of some other era and put here in modern Kolkata.
"And this is it! Academy! My favorite place in Kolkata! My folks would bring me here everytime we came for vacations and make me watch atleast one bangla natok. I would be itching for it to end so that I could get to the best part."
"Which is?" he asked with some of her excitement rubbing onto him.
She smiled and took his hand and took a right from the entrance. They kept going inside to what looked like a lonely lane behind the huge building. While he started to think it was one of her kinky ideas, the scene suddenly burst to life. There were hundreds of people in front of a small dingy canteen. The canteen looked like some matchboxes had been put on top of each other. The walls were chipped, the paint was worse than gone. A thin man was at the counter, swiftly taking money and handing out round coupons in yellow, red, green...
He was so amazed by the sight of this little joint, he didnt realise that she wasnt beside him anymore.
"Dada, ekta chicken roll and duto alur chop, ar duto mirinda!" she shouted out. She turned back and gestured him to come towards her and take the coupons to the kitchen inside.
He edged across the crowd, took hold of the coupons from her slender hand and looked around, not knowing which way to head. Also there were too many non vegetarians around him for comfort. Thankfully, she returned by his side and together, they handed their coupons to the sweaty man behind the slab.
While she waited impatiently, he wondered, how different they could be..She was a non veg lover, dreaming of good fish curry on most of the days and demanding what she called 'kosha mangsho' on a good Sunday. And here he was, a Jain boy, who ate just to survive, good veg food with not much thought put into it. On dates, while she would ask for chicken sanwiches and donuts and ice teas, he would have a paneer puff or a spinach sanwich! And yet, there was love...
When the plates came, he was almost guiltily greedy towards the smell that came from the chicken roll in her plate. Very quickly, he took a bite of his alur chop and gulped some Mirinda. Yummy. All around him, people were eating, talking with mouths full and discussing what sounded like Rabindra Nath Tagore, Buddhadeb Bhattacharya, Marx and sunday's kosha mangsho. What a different clan were these Bengalis, he wondered...
She had sensed he was in his own world, thinking of something of great importance, and brought him back to reality by saying, "So you like Kolkata?"
And he waited sometime and said, "Very very much..I used to wonder why I love you, and now I am wondering why I love this city..And somehow, everything fits..."
Friday, June 26, 2009
Sleepy conversations!
Do you miss me?
No, I don’t. Duffer I miss you every freaking moment.
Then why on earth did we do what we did?
I guess we were acting smart, doing things to prove that there is more to us than just ‘us’.
And now we know that there isn’t?
Nope, now we know there is. Just that ‘us’ is the way we go about the rest of the things.
Hmm, interesting..
Ice tea?
Yes, I will make. You wait.
And how do you think I will have it?
Hmm, I suggest you come back just for the tea. Life can wait till morning.
Sigh, yes. By the way, I think I will come back. This just doesn’t feel right.
Really? Then you must!
Do you think we are taking a random decision, once again?
Yes, I think so. But what the heck! We are young, lets keep taking such decisions.
Then let me make a plan and come back. Then we will work out the rest of the things.
Yipee! I am letting you do something so foolish, but somehow, its not making me guilty at all!
Yes, we are behaving so OOC lately..
OOC?
Out of Character!
Hehehe, yes..why do you think we are?
Love, maybe?
Definitely!
Goodnight.
Night.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Surviving loneliness...
You know you realize certain things when they happen to you. Well, in the past few months, I have found out something for myself, much to my sadness. I cannot survive alone. Ya, I can hear some saintly creatures laugh out loud in their self confident manner and also some very independent women I know smirking. But that’s that.
And its not like I haven’t tried. I really have. Mom’s illness has made Dad be in the hospital for more than once and I have happily volunteered to take care of the house, promising a running household while the folks were away.
While 11pm came smoothly enough, it took a lot of courage to last till 12am. It was especially painful keeping a look out at the door for ghosts (who had nothing better to do than lurk in my house) around 2am when the eyes wanted to sleep or be donated to science. But I didn’t budge from my look out position on the couch. You see, our couch is strategically placed, it has a view of every other angle of the house, while your back is against a wall. So no chance of a ghost coming from behind. Perfect.
Managing to survive a night alone is all about strategy, especially if you are a chicken. You have to run all your errands on time, finish food, place your pet within an inch’s radius, and make your bed before you get paralysed by fear to go into other rooms in the house. Also, it is ideal if you finish your loo issues for good before retiring, and yes, do not have more water later into the night.
Tata sky is an absolute help on such days, they have an Active Darshan channel that has Sai baba from Shirdi, Siddhivinayak Ganeshji from Mumbai, Krishna from ISKCON and a God from South India whose name ends with ‘eshwar’ always live on your screen. And there are matching bhajans going on each screen, so the ghosts mainly stay at bay.
Watching movies is a good thing, but I have realized that every time I have been left alone at night, the movies coming on tv are inevitably of the creepy variety (Jaws, Psycho and some horror ones I refuse to name) That only makes living to see another day more difficult.
I make plans in my head of inviting friends for night stays, for maggi meals at home, of endless movie watching, of ordering Chinese, but well, most of the days in a week are weekdays (read dumb, I know) and people don’t really manage to participate in such plans, especially when they have work next day. So, its just me again. And my strategies, of course.
If at all, I do fall asleep in the wee hours of the morning, I am rudely awakened by the garbage man whose aim in life is to ask for kuda in the crassest voice in the earliest of hours, making it a great day to look ahead to.
So, I am awake by 6 in the morning with an hour more to go for getting up, and not knowing what to do. That is when I notice the cutest furball on earth, still lying there beside you, sleeping and snoring softly, peaceful and irrespective of the havoc created by the ghosts in my head at night.
When I pick him up and cuddle him into my covers and fall into a little nap till my alarm rings, that is the sleep fit for kings. That is one of the most beautiful things on earth.
That makes these nights worth it.
Loneliness is painful for those who don’t have a dog, I guess..
And its not like I haven’t tried. I really have. Mom’s illness has made Dad be in the hospital for more than once and I have happily volunteered to take care of the house, promising a running household while the folks were away.
While 11pm came smoothly enough, it took a lot of courage to last till 12am. It was especially painful keeping a look out at the door for ghosts (who had nothing better to do than lurk in my house) around 2am when the eyes wanted to sleep or be donated to science. But I didn’t budge from my look out position on the couch. You see, our couch is strategically placed, it has a view of every other angle of the house, while your back is against a wall. So no chance of a ghost coming from behind. Perfect.
Managing to survive a night alone is all about strategy, especially if you are a chicken. You have to run all your errands on time, finish food, place your pet within an inch’s radius, and make your bed before you get paralysed by fear to go into other rooms in the house. Also, it is ideal if you finish your loo issues for good before retiring, and yes, do not have more water later into the night.
Tata sky is an absolute help on such days, they have an Active Darshan channel that has Sai baba from Shirdi, Siddhivinayak Ganeshji from Mumbai, Krishna from ISKCON and a God from South India whose name ends with ‘eshwar’ always live on your screen. And there are matching bhajans going on each screen, so the ghosts mainly stay at bay.
Watching movies is a good thing, but I have realized that every time I have been left alone at night, the movies coming on tv are inevitably of the creepy variety (Jaws, Psycho and some horror ones I refuse to name) That only makes living to see another day more difficult.
I make plans in my head of inviting friends for night stays, for maggi meals at home, of endless movie watching, of ordering Chinese, but well, most of the days in a week are weekdays (read dumb, I know) and people don’t really manage to participate in such plans, especially when they have work next day. So, its just me again. And my strategies, of course.
If at all, I do fall asleep in the wee hours of the morning, I am rudely awakened by the garbage man whose aim in life is to ask for kuda in the crassest voice in the earliest of hours, making it a great day to look ahead to.
So, I am awake by 6 in the morning with an hour more to go for getting up, and not knowing what to do. That is when I notice the cutest furball on earth, still lying there beside you, sleeping and snoring softly, peaceful and irrespective of the havoc created by the ghosts in my head at night.
When I pick him up and cuddle him into my covers and fall into a little nap till my alarm rings, that is the sleep fit for kings. That is one of the most beautiful things on earth.
That makes these nights worth it.
Loneliness is painful for those who don’t have a dog, I guess..
Monday, June 22, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Of hot days and depressing nights!
Had thought will update this blog everyday. Had even thought of calling it my journal (yea I know it sounds very Anne Frank, but well that’s how it works here!) but look how lazy I get. I see so many interesting people everyday and I just don’t end up writing about them. Shame on me.
Well, things have been very hectic lately. Gucci has fallen sick again and I rue the day I fell for his puppy eyes and gave him corn to eat. Its been 6 months and Gods don’t seem to be too kind to him. Of course, he heals in time, but now I live in a constant fear of you know what (cant even write it. Am shit scared.) He is a headstrong dog and he proves it time and again, but cant he just be silly and happy now? I am tired and sad about how he constantly struggles..The medicines, the madness at home is just, well..draining me.
Also, am going to Kolkata right before my birthday (no matter how sad it sounds :p ) for the simple reason that I dont want to be here all by myself. Nobody will be around, so it’s a strange orphan feeling that I want to escape. Will have a fun time with cousins and N. Or so I am hoping.
Like I always keep telling Anjali, I live on hope. Not because its cheesily optimistic, but because it is so much better in my head when I imagine things to be happy and lively, minus the hard realities of everyday. Of course, some dreams and hopeful stuff I think of are pure fantasy, but its ok. Even if they won’t happen, I wont be losing out on much. Because I will have in my head things-that-could-have-been. And that is way better than having known the mundane reality instead.
For instance, till yesterday, we didn’t have tickets for our trip. And while the whole system faltered, people thugged us by not refunding tickets that weren’t booked properly, and the family was basically in chaos, I always knew we would manage. I keep thinking we will manage. Since eternity, I live like this. Wonder if its foolish…But works for me..
Have been wishing for rain for so long now, have even written fiction about it, but nothing seems to be working. The heat makes me angrier than when KKR lost matches. This season just doesn’t seem to get better. Now that we have come to ‘my month’ hopefully things will change.
Starting with the weather.
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