It's been a while since I have been feeling this way. Of course, it relates to things real and fictional. There is never a sure way to know. There are times when the feeling overpowers me, it tells me this way is better, but then, there is always the pull. The stronger, sharper and the more amazing pull. The other one, the temporary fixation, looks more real, but so does everything that comes with a temptation. But what is the temptation here?
Just a familiarity that comes from the language? Is that enough? All things glitter from a distance, and one should be a fool to think that would last forever. There are too many insecurities in this one human life, too many options, the platter is always too full (am I the only one complaining?) mostly you have no peace. Nowhere, ever. And maybe that is the part that makes you feel alive, wanted and there in the middle of everything. You want to be there, to feel the air on your face, to be the life of the party, accept it, you do.
But its all fleeting.
Two similar moments and this is what you know. The purity of emotions in one case is so strong and yet so subtle. Decades it was there, and yet you never felt its force.
In the second case, its recent, its new, its equally helpless and yet, its mocking in a manner that confuses you and questions your reality. Is it right or am I going all wrong?
Long life, will know soon.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
the truth is..
You are very hot.
Hey thanks.
No seriously, I have got to see you more often.
Umm, you are here for work, once its over, you have to leave, how can you keep seeing me more?
I dont know, tell me how. I think I am attracted to you as hell.
Ok leave now. You are complicating things, you said your girlfriend will be dropping by to join you. so, go.
I will come back. I will have to. Promise me you will meet.
bell rings*
Hi, oh you have a lovely collection here. No wonder he chose you to do his project.
Thanks a ton, he is a good client.
Yes, yes, everyone says that. Its good to work with him, I have been told. So honey, lets move now?
Umm, yeah lets.
He turns back one last time, rushes to her and tells her slowly, 'I will come back. you have to see me.'
Your girl is here. Go away. Am not a thief.
But I need to kiss you, I will come back.
They leave.
You think she will do a good job? You need awesome pr this time.
She is brilliant. Will do well am sure.
So you want to go back sometime and check on her progress?
What? Why? She knows her work.
I dont know, maybe you should go back..see how its comin up, know for sure you want her..
Excuse me?
I mean, know for sure if you want her in this project. You must know.
People know. They always do. You think you are smart, but one can always tell. It catches you unawares, and you do take the bait. But little do you realise, somebody always knows. And eventually, there is hurt all around you.
Hey thanks.
No seriously, I have got to see you more often.
Umm, you are here for work, once its over, you have to leave, how can you keep seeing me more?
I dont know, tell me how. I think I am attracted to you as hell.
Ok leave now. You are complicating things, you said your girlfriend will be dropping by to join you. so, go.
I will come back. I will have to. Promise me you will meet.
bell rings*
Hi, oh you have a lovely collection here. No wonder he chose you to do his project.
Thanks a ton, he is a good client.
Yes, yes, everyone says that. Its good to work with him, I have been told. So honey, lets move now?
Umm, yeah lets.
He turns back one last time, rushes to her and tells her slowly, 'I will come back. you have to see me.'
Your girl is here. Go away. Am not a thief.
But I need to kiss you, I will come back.
They leave.
You think she will do a good job? You need awesome pr this time.
She is brilliant. Will do well am sure.
So you want to go back sometime and check on her progress?
What? Why? She knows her work.
I dont know, maybe you should go back..see how its comin up, know for sure you want her..
Excuse me?
I mean, know for sure if you want her in this project. You must know.
People know. They always do. You think you are smart, but one can always tell. It catches you unawares, and you do take the bait. But little do you realise, somebody always knows. And eventually, there is hurt all around you.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
ARGENTINA or GERMANY? Both :)
So Argentina lost. And the trouble is, it lost to Germany. My two favorite teams. There is no telling how good or bad I feel. The day Germany was thrashing England, I was rejoicing, dancing along with other german fans at Flames. Little did I know that they would face Argentina in the quarter finals. Once again after 2006, they faced each other and once again, Germany won. Literally thrashed, butchered, routed Argentina. I am sad, infact my heart goes out to Maradona, Messi. But strangely, in an hour’s time, I feel happy. For Germany. If the gemini state of mind was something I always believed in, today, I would vouch for it. I love the clinical, almost shrewd manner of the germans. Blame me if you want.
Life is at a crossroads. I put in my papers yesterday. My hands shook while clicking on ‘sent’. At the back of my mind, something told me ‘there is no looking back from here’. The place I will go to, will be new and ruthless in its own usual way. Nobody is kind to a newbie. I will have to make a mark, be awesome in my job. Have to be ‘a somebody’, all in a few months. Need holidays in a few months, and then some more. But I have to join this place, I have to be good at my job and I have to ask for leaves. Most importantly, I have to be fit enough for all of this. Shifts, no Saturdays and Sundays sound as scary to me as living alone in a city. And yet, in the last few months, desperation drove me to accept all these things. With a little money and a profile that sounds good in my head, I have accepted a new spice in my life. Have to taste dishes made of this spice and have to say its good, because its something I chose. Just hope it is not as real as I am thinking it will be. I hope it is fun and beautiful in its reality.
In this year, too much is happening, much more will happen. Don’t know how much I am ready for. Fact is, I am hardly ready. Friends wise, I am stagnant. Workwise, I am moving ahead. Personally, I am more or less at the same place. Financially, I am moving ahead but so are the expectations of me.
Had always hoped to be a free bird, don’t know how much of a restriction my new life will put on me. I should work things out, see the better in everything, and be a free bird anyway.
Just like when Argentina loses, I should always be able to feel happy for Germany.
Life is at a crossroads. I put in my papers yesterday. My hands shook while clicking on ‘sent’. At the back of my mind, something told me ‘there is no looking back from here’. The place I will go to, will be new and ruthless in its own usual way. Nobody is kind to a newbie. I will have to make a mark, be awesome in my job. Have to be ‘a somebody’, all in a few months. Need holidays in a few months, and then some more. But I have to join this place, I have to be good at my job and I have to ask for leaves. Most importantly, I have to be fit enough for all of this. Shifts, no Saturdays and Sundays sound as scary to me as living alone in a city. And yet, in the last few months, desperation drove me to accept all these things. With a little money and a profile that sounds good in my head, I have accepted a new spice in my life. Have to taste dishes made of this spice and have to say its good, because its something I chose. Just hope it is not as real as I am thinking it will be. I hope it is fun and beautiful in its reality.
In this year, too much is happening, much more will happen. Don’t know how much I am ready for. Fact is, I am hardly ready. Friends wise, I am stagnant. Workwise, I am moving ahead. Personally, I am more or less at the same place. Financially, I am moving ahead but so are the expectations of me.
Had always hoped to be a free bird, don’t know how much of a restriction my new life will put on me. I should work things out, see the better in everything, and be a free bird anyway.
Just like when Argentina loses, I should always be able to feel happy for Germany.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
gibberishing
more faces. more i see, lesser i remember. cutting short conversations, listening but not really. in the midst of it all, but nobody's in the end.
getting there or starting over?
getting there or starting over?
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
State of my mind
I find myself in the darkest of corners, and there, out of nowhere, light spreads within.
Ofcourse I try to change the people I care for. And then, again I realise it too late. A slap on my forehead, a stupid giggle and I come back to my senses. Wasted effort, wasted energy. also, spent emotions. Sigh.
Nobody changes. They do, but when they have to. Nothing you say or do makes a difference. If it does, its a silent difference. They wont let you know you have made that difference. On the outside, you will never know. And that will hurt. Almost as if it didnt matter, you didnt matter. And while it definitely did matter, you will never be told.
The friction is too much, you want to say it out loud, but ofcourse your ego holds you back. It makes sure you are silent and passive. It manages to break what you build in a matter of time. Happens everytime.
And yet, everytime, you let it happen. You dont mend your ways. ever. And then, you want the other person to change.
Huh, hypocrite.
Ofcourse I try to change the people I care for. And then, again I realise it too late. A slap on my forehead, a stupid giggle and I come back to my senses. Wasted effort, wasted energy. also, spent emotions. Sigh.
Nobody changes. They do, but when they have to. Nothing you say or do makes a difference. If it does, its a silent difference. They wont let you know you have made that difference. On the outside, you will never know. And that will hurt. Almost as if it didnt matter, you didnt matter. And while it definitely did matter, you will never be told.
The friction is too much, you want to say it out loud, but ofcourse your ego holds you back. It makes sure you are silent and passive. It manages to break what you build in a matter of time. Happens everytime.
And yet, everytime, you let it happen. You dont mend your ways. ever. And then, you want the other person to change.
Huh, hypocrite.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Swimming happened!
It was as early as 5am and I was feeling sick. I wanted to sit inside the bathroom and never come out. It happens every time I start something new. Yes, swimming is new. And it was supposed to be amazing (atleast in my mind, it always has been). For two reasons; one, it was a water sport and I love lounging in water and two, it was my first bold attempt at learning something totally on my own! That was a kick alright.
So when three of my friends suddenly stirred up a swimming plan, it seemed like they were kidding at first. Of course they were. They were planning to attend classes from 5am everyday; you had to be kidding me! I haven’t seen how 5am looks like in my entire life! And how will I be going to work everyday after all that activity? Crazy.
But they were serious and went on making more and more plans. Slowly I got into it, not knowing when the fun summery plan became a distinct possibility.
Saturday saw me and one of my buddies buying swimming gear from CP. And just like that, I had invested in it. There was no looking back now.
That is the part where I sat inside the bathroom, fearing the pool, the short swimming costume, and everything in life. The friend who had the car called in sick and that left us with no option but to wait till 6am when we could get an auto.
As soon as we reached the place, (A huge and posh sports complex in South Delhi) we hurried through our forms, and in my haste I told the receptionist I would need coaching. To that, she added a grand extra to my fees (sigh) I was investing way more than I had planned and suddenly I realized with my birthday two weeks away, I wasn’t really being very wise.
Forget wise, I was really stupid, as once in the water, everyone shouted ‘sir sir’ to the only coach around as if he belonged to everyone. Turns out, he did. He didn’t have any clue who was paying extra for his instructions and so was catering to everyone who shouted a ‘sir’. My bad.
So the lesson began. Along with several kids, I was taught to breathe inside the water. The water whooshed through my ears, even after wearing a cap and I thought it would be fatal for my hearing. My buddy said it wont, its common. Ok, part two then.
I was taught to let my body float. I did it and because I wore lenses (I cant wear glasses to the pool, and I cant be without glasses as I wouldn’t see a thing! So lenses it is, with swimming goggles ofcourse) I could see a bit. Some very small leaf like things, a pubic hair I guess, a noodle like thread from something someone wore. Maybe that aunty with a lame board in her hand. She wore ugly shorts of the same colour. I tried hard not to think of my OCD, and remembered real heroes were made from tough situations like these. My fear was the all the above mentioned things, and well, I was doing a good job not thinking much of them.
The coach then told me to let go of the border and start to float a bit on my own. That took a little effort as whenever I started off, inside the water, I had visions like those in Gothika (yes, all kinds of fears I have. You would have thought the only fear one would have during swimming would be drowning or the fear of water. And that’s the only fear I do not have.) I got all scattered and gulped in a lot of water, looked like a sissy and went back to my corner. Lounged a bit and thought there could be no ghosts with this many fat Dilli ke Punjabis around me, and started afresh. Still all lopsided I kept getting and when I tried to cheat by taking tips from my friend who already knew swimming, the coach saw me from nowhere and lunged at me a fistful of water and screamed ‘baatein nahiiiiiiii’!! I was a newbie, not able to float and and now the entire pool knew that I was lounging. Felt like a backbencher.
One very cool thing I learnt however, is that I can spit out the water I gulp in by mistake in the nearest drain by just half plopping myself out of the pool! Hah! It feels all rustic and cool :P (like omkara or maybe Rambo training in the jungle) also, I know for a fact that getting tanned or not, I am going to love whatever comes next. The water is just so…exciting.
The first day ended when the hour slot rung and we were told the pool has become too dirty, so it needed to be cleaned. So, I was right, the pubic hair was a reality. Ugh.
Swimming, I do not know how soon I will learn you, and if you will totally exhaust me in a few days, but till I do, life in the pool is interesting enough to keep me busy and in a strange way, happy!
Photo courtesy:zevs.net
So when three of my friends suddenly stirred up a swimming plan, it seemed like they were kidding at first. Of course they were. They were planning to attend classes from 5am everyday; you had to be kidding me! I haven’t seen how 5am looks like in my entire life! And how will I be going to work everyday after all that activity? Crazy.
But they were serious and went on making more and more plans. Slowly I got into it, not knowing when the fun summery plan became a distinct possibility.
Saturday saw me and one of my buddies buying swimming gear from CP. And just like that, I had invested in it. There was no looking back now.
That is the part where I sat inside the bathroom, fearing the pool, the short swimming costume, and everything in life. The friend who had the car called in sick and that left us with no option but to wait till 6am when we could get an auto.
As soon as we reached the place, (A huge and posh sports complex in South Delhi) we hurried through our forms, and in my haste I told the receptionist I would need coaching. To that, she added a grand extra to my fees (sigh) I was investing way more than I had planned and suddenly I realized with my birthday two weeks away, I wasn’t really being very wise.
Forget wise, I was really stupid, as once in the water, everyone shouted ‘sir sir’ to the only coach around as if he belonged to everyone. Turns out, he did. He didn’t have any clue who was paying extra for his instructions and so was catering to everyone who shouted a ‘sir’. My bad.
So the lesson began. Along with several kids, I was taught to breathe inside the water. The water whooshed through my ears, even after wearing a cap and I thought it would be fatal for my hearing. My buddy said it wont, its common. Ok, part two then.
I was taught to let my body float. I did it and because I wore lenses (I cant wear glasses to the pool, and I cant be without glasses as I wouldn’t see a thing! So lenses it is, with swimming goggles ofcourse) I could see a bit. Some very small leaf like things, a pubic hair I guess, a noodle like thread from something someone wore. Maybe that aunty with a lame board in her hand. She wore ugly shorts of the same colour. I tried hard not to think of my OCD, and remembered real heroes were made from tough situations like these. My fear was the all the above mentioned things, and well, I was doing a good job not thinking much of them.
The coach then told me to let go of the border and start to float a bit on my own. That took a little effort as whenever I started off, inside the water, I had visions like those in Gothika (yes, all kinds of fears I have. You would have thought the only fear one would have during swimming would be drowning or the fear of water. And that’s the only fear I do not have.) I got all scattered and gulped in a lot of water, looked like a sissy and went back to my corner. Lounged a bit and thought there could be no ghosts with this many fat Dilli ke Punjabis around me, and started afresh. Still all lopsided I kept getting and when I tried to cheat by taking tips from my friend who already knew swimming, the coach saw me from nowhere and lunged at me a fistful of water and screamed ‘baatein nahiiiiiiii’!! I was a newbie, not able to float and and now the entire pool knew that I was lounging. Felt like a backbencher.
One very cool thing I learnt however, is that I can spit out the water I gulp in by mistake in the nearest drain by just half plopping myself out of the pool! Hah! It feels all rustic and cool :P (like omkara or maybe Rambo training in the jungle) also, I know for a fact that getting tanned or not, I am going to love whatever comes next. The water is just so…exciting.
The first day ended when the hour slot rung and we were told the pool has become too dirty, so it needed to be cleaned. So, I was right, the pubic hair was a reality. Ugh.
Swimming, I do not know how soon I will learn you, and if you will totally exhaust me in a few days, but till I do, life in the pool is interesting enough to keep me busy and in a strange way, happy!
Photo courtesy:zevs.net
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Like the photo says, off the mark!
Yes its 98.51. and this, even before I took out money for the trip. Ofcourse I have another account but that has just enough to travel, get back, wait-patiently-till-the-30th kinds. I am your brilliant example of young and broke India. It helps when people call you smart and pretty though, as that gives you hope that maybe sometime in the future, my smartness will equate to dollars or pounds.
So this hotshot media house rejected me recently. They called me saying I am custom made for the job and while interviewing me, they realised I hold a similar designation in a different vertical. I had said yes and gone with a lot of hope, thinking they knew I was opting for their said vertical. I really wanted to change my profile and was amazed when this opportunity offered me exactly that. the change.
But as soon as he realised the difference (which was comparable but all in the name of media) in the two verticals, he shelled in completely going to the point of saying 'you know we cant afford to take someone from a different vertical, we have too much responsibility riding on this post.'
I told him how I would be great at it (and knew it was a goner as soon as I said it), I had been taught all that in college for pete's sake!
But protocol. norm. the works.
He let me write an article for 'protocol' sake and once I was done, he asked me if I was active in social sites, esp twitter. Fact is, I hate twitter, it ughs me at how much people can discuss their mundane lives in a line after every hour. So I said, 'yea, on fb, but thats it.'
I dont know how it helped him judge me or if at all, it served any purpose. Its been five days and ofcourse, the job isnt mine. While I cross out this media house for the next couple of years to come, I cant fathom how some news giant that talks of giving unbiased news and being the voice of the public can be so rigid. So stiff, that they cant see over my current profile to my actual skills. Cant see the potential from the article I wrote just because I belonged to a different vertical. How are they the best if they dont even give change a chance?
On with my hunt...ofcourse, with some more salt to taste :P
Photo courtesy: Mark Parisi
So this hotshot media house rejected me recently. They called me saying I am custom made for the job and while interviewing me, they realised I hold a similar designation in a different vertical. I had said yes and gone with a lot of hope, thinking they knew I was opting for their said vertical. I really wanted to change my profile and was amazed when this opportunity offered me exactly that. the change.
But as soon as he realised the difference (which was comparable but all in the name of media) in the two verticals, he shelled in completely going to the point of saying 'you know we cant afford to take someone from a different vertical, we have too much responsibility riding on this post.'
I told him how I would be great at it (and knew it was a goner as soon as I said it), I had been taught all that in college for pete's sake!
But protocol. norm. the works.
He let me write an article for 'protocol' sake and once I was done, he asked me if I was active in social sites, esp twitter. Fact is, I hate twitter, it ughs me at how much people can discuss their mundane lives in a line after every hour. So I said, 'yea, on fb, but thats it.'
I dont know how it helped him judge me or if at all, it served any purpose. Its been five days and ofcourse, the job isnt mine. While I cross out this media house for the next couple of years to come, I cant fathom how some news giant that talks of giving unbiased news and being the voice of the public can be so rigid. So stiff, that they cant see over my current profile to my actual skills. Cant see the potential from the article I wrote just because I belonged to a different vertical. How are they the best if they dont even give change a chance?
On with my hunt...ofcourse, with some more salt to taste :P
Photo courtesy: Mark Parisi
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