not necessarily blue

Its been long but not all is lost in the blog world for me yet. Time has somehow shrunk itself in a way that 24 hours pass in about just five. The world has grown noisier, less meaningful just when I landed what I wanted.

People have stopped making much sense, and this isnt superiority complex speaking. Infact, never felt more humbled than now. With super seniors in the field around you, nothing you do matches up and striving hard is just an understatement. But these are the learning years and am not complaining. If anything, zen teachings have made their mark on me in a way that I am not threatened or concerned. I am good.

This year has started on a note that is too dear to my heart. I have realised just how much I like being around my family. The carefree, bohemian, humorous side of things just erupt from within naturally, without any effort. I really miss having them all together. But that in itself, is a mirage now. An oasis at times, but a mirage mostly.

Giving your heart to someone is a good thing, you get back so many things in lieu of it. What hurts, is that small part of you that has to be neatly tucked away. You cant bring it up a lot, it becomes an itch that soon becomes sore. And then, healing takes time. Who am I kidding? There is no such thing as healing, only momentarily forgetting.

But now, what I miss, is not even there. No home, no friends. The place I called home was never that. The friends were a group, who are now friends to each other, not me. Std phone calls are clearly not how friendships are preserved.

But I still wish; to have voted for Kejriwal, to have been there this winter, wearing too many layers, to have smoked in the fog with the three of them or just sat inside the car at India Gate sipping a cup of tea, to be able to gift friends gifts that weren't bought online. To just be under the blanket with dad, watching an old Suchitra Sen film.

So much has changed, I don’t recognise myself.