Friday, January 28, 2011

dark in here.

the tea got cold, didn't want to have it. was very troubled. no, no reason except the inner demon. it claws its way to the fore time and again.

making plans to shift my belongings from the right side to the left side of my brain. the right is overburdened i have been told.

the brain paints a grey colour, i force it back to a vivid pink and a happy blue. but it slowly melts back to a grey. i hate the grey, everyone is grey. everyone is the same. fighting the same morbid realities, unique for others, the same in reality.

the bike hit a thud in front of the gate and i went to see. just a man, troubled with his machine. just like me.

Monday, January 17, 2011

getting younger

He looked up at her at times while reading the story. It was his favourite and he had read it a hundred times, just to be perfect when he had to read it out to her.

"Bah humbug!" said Scrooge.
What do you understand from this line? That he really was a very khadoos man, not lovable at all, she explained.

He nodded and smiled at her funny translations and explanations. There was something that was so cute about her. Dressed in her pink pyajamas and a big blue sweater (maybe her dad's) her glasses would keep sliding low every other minute. The best thing about her was her smile. A big smile that warmed up his heart. He waited for this hour to come every week. And it went past him too soon.

He read a funny part and she explained again, with her quirky examples, and boy, she had many of those. It seemed her life was full of fun things she had done. Or maybe it was just another life told extraordinarily. The way she said it, it made him want to be a part of her school, her college, her evenings.

Hey, if you get above 80, we will go out then! Have awesome burgers and then ice cream at Baskin Robbins, ok?
Is that a promise?
Ofcourse, and if you get 90...umm then..
Then will you watch a movie with me?
With you? I mean, are you allowed to? Ofcourse I will kiddo :)
Hey, no kiddo! and yes I am allowed. You have made a promise, ok? You cant back out now.
Hahahahah true, you are too tall to be a kiddo, you tower over me! But yeah, its a deal!
We will call it a date, ok?
She laughed loudly, as if scattering the whole room with these christmassy baubles. He couldnt stop staring at her, almost foolishly.
A date? Right! We will call it a date. Just dont let your mom know you took your teacher out on a date!

He smiled and looked down, realising it was weird and funny and well, he couldn't explain.

He felt love. Or was it a crush like his best friend told him.
"Buddhu, she is older to you, and your teacher! Think of Ishika, she really likes you man."
But Ishika was so dumb. She would smile during math tuition, and smile at everyone. What was so exclusive about that?

She was different. She was older, she loved him like a baby, and she gave him her full attention. She smiled at him and encouraged him about his after class 12th dreams unlike anyone else. She was what made his heart flutter.

Mom wont mind, but you have promised, so no saying No after i get a 90?
Ok I promise. And I am very happy for you already! A 90!

She stood at the door reminding him of the homework he had to finish, while he tied his laces and got up to leave. One last look at her and with a victorious grin, down the stairs he went.

If only the next Wednesday would come sooner. And that bloody 90.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


Yes, everyday is becoming too much. Went to a new doctor for my wrist. He named it a different thing, I cant even spell it. And am too scared to wiki it for fear of knowing a little too much.

The clinic had something on a bulletin board called IOL. I kept thinking its LOL and laughed in my head. Imagine, after every big scientific treatment or disease, LOL was written. It was such a ridiculing thought. Like a sadistic joke.

So I realised my father embodies the Delhi spirit. He tells anyone who cares to listen about what I do, where I work and why I cant fall sick even for a day cos my company depends on me. Jesus! I begged him to stop at the doctor's, but he went on and on. I was embarrassed and the pain shot up. I told the doc I could take a few leaves with a lot of difficulty if he really wanted me to. He just hmmed and suggested more X-rays. Oh well.

Working with a bad hand makes me feel like am gonna die soon (No I wont cos I am a hypochondriac, never mind me) and well, life is keeping me very troubled as of now. So I listen to music and stay happy anyway.

This song totally cheered me up. And well, am roughly 5 feet tall, guess will manage :)

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The sudden hurt ever so often.

He sipped his tea, the only thing he made an effort to make. It was hot water with his favorite flavored tea bag and a spoon of sugar. Nothing fancy and yet, it appealed to him just perfectly. The chill had just begun to go down, and he had promised himself that he would also try to be warmer.

He logged onto his profile and saw a few happy new years here and there and then that one post on his wall.

Happy New Year. Bless!

It was the exact same greeting, but for the fact, that it was from her.

She, of the past and yet of the present. She, who had no business wandering in his head, but yet, there she was, always. It was crazy how it made him hate and love the same thing so much. They had moved on, hadn't they? And all these greetings were a proof to that moving on. She would greet him during every festival and he would be moody about it. Sometimes, he would collectively answer 'thanks everyone' and sometimes, do nothing.

He was a little angry that she was keeping her end of the promise, even after years. If she could have just been a bitch, this would have been easier. He wished he knew what was playing in her head. And her heart. He wished it was him.

He replied to some of the posts and logged out. The junior came to him asking if he would like to dutch in for a colleague's birthday cake and he absent-mindedly handed her a big note. She smiled, he realised she took the money for what it was and it felt funny that he was now sponsoring the entire cake.

It was lonely, still. He had tried, moved on, made some conquests, made some classic moves (as his guy friends would tell him) and he had it all. Yet it hurt. Like a small pin that was stuck on the sole of his shoe, and every time he walked, it would prick. And he just couldn't remove the pin cos he couldn't find it. This pain was such, it was there but he didn't know how to correct it.

He had got some news. He had decided then that it was a point of no return (which was funny because it was he who had moved out in the end) and he would only be bitter, mechanical and stone cold about it from here on. And if he was lucky, maybe forget about it too. But no, he felt more human than ever. Betrayed and hurt, pathetic. Like the winters, life was also intent on sending the chill his way, keeping it sunless, keeping it miserable.

But the sun had peeped out a bit today. And the huge glass window in his cabin showed brilliantly on it. Maybe, the sun was around the corner and he didn't know it.

Ah well, confusion was better than disappointment.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

heart to heart with self

Why am I still following Twilight so closely? I think its got something to do with the fact that Taylor Lautner made me discover sexual fantasies for the first time in life. Now I know what SRK meant when he said ‘kuch kuch hota hai Anjali, tum nahi samjhogi.’

Have been listening to too much music, its mainly a ploy of drowning the office talks behind me. I was asked to fill my KRA form yesterday, but I couldn’t care lesser. I have got the nickname of ‘Ms.Dreamy’ at work. I never thought yeh din bhi aayega. See what a stiff, professional set up can do to a jolly kid. The system has got to me, too bad.

Why do I still eat pizza? I hate it. I leave out the crust, eat up the toppings, so who am I kidding? And you know what I hate more? Pizzas gone cold. Ugh. Must.make.note.

Vodka, I have loved you all these years and the relationship has had its ‘highs’ and lows. However, its time to let go. I have discovered I like rum more. Its sweet and makes me warm faster than you do. So, this year, am not meeting you too often. That’s the best thing anyway when a relationship ends, eh. But we had a good time.

I shall be online less. A buddy realized that day she was talking to me more than we were seeing each other. Another friend asked me out for a movie and when I said its too cold, we both read reviews of the film online and never went for it anyway. I get asked for parties on fb events from people who stay in the next block. And there are surprises too. An old old admirer finds me on fb, talks to me in the inbox (not in public, mind you) and sends me congratulatory messages and calls me wise since the CafĂ© Red Brick days (I want to tell him no, I still smoke, I still hang out with boys and I still haven’t really become too wise but anyway) but but, when he sees me on the road, he does not talk! Hah! Too much of baggage I guess. I understand. I don’t necessarily relate.

So yeah, all this online business is making me a little cranky. Maybe I should be more ‘in person’ and less in pictures. Who knows? Time will tell if this I can do.

I have come out in the open about my hatred towards winters. Nah, no personal vendetta but I hate wearing 20 items of clothing. Its just uncomfortable. And to say nothing of what those caps do to my beautiful hair.

I will dream more. I know I cant tell my subconscious mind to dream more but I have to find a way. My friends keep telling me about all these dreams they see while I just chant to sleep or end up having a song in my head which I even wake up singing. This morning, I woke up saying to myself, ‘Time is essential.’ Wtf! Why am I getting up with spiritual lecture? I have to dream more, and not be so random.

Oh, and I hate that person. Am going for a movie today but I know I will be indifferent and even cold to that person because I cant fake it. Had said yes to the movie before I had realized its hatred I feel for that person, so now I cant back out of the movie. But yeah, will want to have no more of that person in my mind or life. Just saw through the utter hogwash now. Point to self again: Please be sensible sometimes. Remember, the book, the cover, the phrase along those lines?

I have been typing away this furiously for the first time in ages, I think its also because it makes me feel less colder. Well, the good movie with the stupid person awaits me. So does a bit of other things.

PS-Last year, this day, a lot happened. I feel stronger but lonelier a kid. I hope you are listening Didu. Love

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Just keep swimming!

New year comes, my favourite time to be depressed. Ya, it’s the evening when I have at least five invitations and feel like going for none. It feels strange to be at one party and devoid your other friends of your presence. I feel like being at a hundred places and end up being at none. It’s a syndrome, I tell you. And for the past many years, I have vowed to get it right by feeling shamelessly happy for what life has given to me and what I have achieved, but every time, I end up moping. It’s the weather I guess.

So 2010 was kind, I had more than my share of love, I joined a new place that sort of realizes what to do with me. They make me work, and like I always say, you gotta know how to work me baby.

Personally, mum remained well and that is a high not even my favorite drink can give me. It is a different feeling when you see the pillars of your life stand erect, without having to beg for their wellness.

Have realized how fortunate I have been for the sister I have. Who would have thought that all that hair raising fights and stitches later, we would actually grow up ‘growing on’ each other, loving more with each passing day, even when the miles between us grow.

I have always believed that people who stay far are closer to you and your mind and heart. Too much of proximity spoils it for me. Space. That is the word we are looking for here.

Love has been a surprise to say the least. It has been a happy and a sad journey, happy for the dreams one sees and sad for well, the same reason. I, the utterly philosophical and deep person have realized maybe love does have a few flaws. And while I am all out for the concept of H.O.P.E, what I also know now, is that love is something that should just be wondered at, not figured. It takes time and energy, and you end up where you started from if you try too hard. It is like swimming, you have to let go to be able to do it.

Friendship. Aah. My favourite. I have been truly blessed in that regard. My friends take the eccentricities, the quirks and the lows in the same stride, bear me during my ‘high’ and foolish moments and laugh it off anyway. It’s bliss to be treated as a normal when you are clearly not. Thanks for humoring me.

Life, you are nice, and that makes me very curious. What do you have up your sleeve? Tell tell, don’t be shy :P I am a strong kid, so what if I have hit QLC and am also off market as some people put it (pun intended) I still have a lot to give and receive. And there is just soo much drama still left in me.

So, 2011, keep it interesting!