In bad taste.

Was coming back from office and saw an accident. No, I haven’t seen an accident where I have had to see the man sprawled on the road, blood oozing out from his skull. It felt like his connect from the real world was gone. I shivered in fear and grabbed the cab mate’s hand who must have thought I am really weird because I am talking all smart stuff throughout the day. To imagine, I am this weak. Some people on the road told us the brand and colour of the car that hit him and asked us to follow it, as it had to pay the toll ahead and couldn’t have gone too far. I had a sinking feeling that we would never be able to catch the rascal and if given the option, out of the two, I would want the man to be saved.

The mind numbed down to such a level that I had to forget the hierarchy of respect and ask the senior editor for a smoke. After I began to smoke, I realized it was very, very strong a brand. It charred my taste and I realized it was a bad decision.

Experienced fear, helplessness, uncertainty and finally nausea. Not how the Friday was supposed to go. Getting drunk and wasted with friends was what was planned.
At least, wasted was a common emotion.

Stuck, really?

The wind outside was so strong it could only mean two things. One, there was no way they could leave for their homes now. Two, they were now going to have to wait it out together. That meant they had to talk more. It would only get painful from here on. After all, it was supposed to be just for an hour. Anything more than that, they weren’t prepared for.

So, this looks like it will keep us in for sometime now, eh?
Yes, so it seems. More tea for you?
Yes, a Darjeeling for me.
You seem to choose all kinds.
Yes, don’t I?
So, you are telling me this is it? Its happening for real.
Yes, its happening and we are witnessing it, aren’t we?
Hmmm..
It is totally wrong though, it is not going according to the plans at all, not my plans atleast.
Maybe you wont say it after a few years..
Yes, maybe I wont. But even that will happen because today, this happened.
It feels miserable being this, I hope you know that.
And imagine how miserable it is, to be this.

Your tea.

The rain was now pouring, and the windows were a dark black. The rain was coming down with such ferocity that she couldn’t see more than a blur. The blur had extended its reach though; it had inched its way into her heart and mind.

There was a point after which the games didn’t matter anymore. Where it would be nice to know just where one was headed. But it was not to be the case, ever. She sipped a long wishful sip from her cup.

Do you realize nature wants us to sit here, together?
Nature has wanted that before, with other people too.
Yeah, but never has it literally stopped one from going apart from each other. Like today.
Is this a sign, you think? She smiled warmly at him.
Yes! It is a sign, don’t you see it too?
I have got an umbrella too, so I guess even that is a sign.
Well, alright.
Hey, I was being a little light headed, don’t mind, ok.
No, I am numbing down now, it works after a while, when you cant hear the rain or your thoughts.

The feeling was this thick in the air and yet, it couldn’t be tasted. They had spoken too much and yet, not enough. They needed a lifetime and they had an hour.

And the tea was over.

Rain and what comes with it..

It was pouring cats and dogs that day. So much so, the maid hadn’t come in, the house was a mess, and the leave she took just like that, ended up being just that, a leave from every thing. Not that she had plans to move around the house even. She had decided to mope around endlessly, and take breaks only if a good movie was coming on the telly. Charlie and the chocolate factory managed to make her smile, though only till the movie played.

She was back to being retrospective, almost sad. She couldn’t put a finger to as to why this was happening now. And what was the reason this time. The rain thrashed her windows and scared her a little. Maybe the solitude she was asking for was coming with a price. Maybe everyone was getting used to not seeing her and talking to her enough to forget about her. Or worse, move on without her.

She wanted to be there, in the midst of it all, but then again, she had hardly known anything for sure all her life. Decisions were planted on her path, saner, wiser people always told her what to do best, she had always listened anyway. Not because she agreed, but she couldn’t decide on her own. It was a pain and it could only be understood if it happened to you, she thought. This feeling could not be shared, ever. Not even with your beloved.

Music is a good friend. An unknown person hums a song with words that caress your solitude and agree to your mood. You literally feel like saying ‘yes, you got me’ to the song, and it’s a relief to not have to converse with the song. Monologues work well.

This scene has played itself time and again in her life. In school, in college, and now when she was old. When people say they change, do they mean they start behaving in the same situations differently? Or is that some situations keep coming back to you in life, and you cannot change a thing about them. The helplessness then is the helplessness now.

What if?

Totally in the mood for it Ingrid :)

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?

when you want to .

Have had a very tiring day, not the physical kinds, that happens all the time. The mentally tiring ones. There is so much to show, to do, it sort of weighs you down at times. There are responsibilities and things expected. Of course you deliver, but what if you just put up your legs on the sofa, lie down with a bowl of ice cream over your tummy and say ‘sorry man, shop closed, the buck stops here!’

Cant I really do this at least once in life? Ya, I could do it once I stop working or become a homebody etc, but no, doing so on a randomly busy day would be more like it.

I am getting used to being rebellious, this scares me. Nobody likes it much, I have been told. But it hurts to be any other way. Its good being me, even though it hurts you.

I know there will soon come a time when I shall be hurting over something the universe will have done, but till then, I can pretend to be having a good time, hanging on there.