Suddenly, they dynamics of the office is getting pretty clear. Here you think you have chosen your friends, you have decided who your enemies are, you want to impress some and you want to undermine some. But with every passing week, the equations change. The friends kind of disappoint you in certain ways, the enemies seem stable and workable from a distance. The ones that must be impressed just take up a lot of your energy and the ones that should be undermined, well, there’s no telling how much is too much. You want to piss them off but you might need them later.
So I am not comfortable with married Gavin. He is not someone I want be friends with, much less be ‘close friends’ as he thinks we ‘already’ are. Another one of those I lead on, it seems. But we are in the same team and I cannot be avoiding him. Darn.
My car buddy is interesting though. From not talking much to letting her heart out about how much her teammate bugs her, was drastic. And the loathing in Texas is just too heavy in the air. She apparently is even ready for the day when I will be influenced enough to stop talking to her after hearing from her teammate. Years in the same company does that to you, I always say. Yesterday, she told me she was surprised how much she had let me in.
My friends don’t want me taking up so much because that shows I am available. What does available mean at the workplace anyway? From nicely advising me, they have now stooped to sarcastic comments. “Go out in the sun and get your stories, don’t tell us when boss loads you with more work” is something I hear every time I say I am tired now. A simple statement comes with baggage.
Its coming close to a year and I have stayed quiet in the beginning, moved to speaking carefully marking my territory and now, I feel I am gossiping too much. I complain about work, people and let people say the same things to me. Its kind of mediocre and bad but I don’t see how I can ask people to rise above the average and say nice things. Page 1, social impact awards later, I feel some of the nice ones slipping away. A small town, a smaller workplace and its that easy for things to get to you. And of course, that typical stigma of ‘if you smoke with the guys, you are obviously gossiped about and not a nice girl.’
In the end, maybe you need to just do your work and be nice, no matter what. That’s the plan for this month.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Thursday, September 20, 2012
not everyone can be a v-buddy
Yes, it has been a long time and maybe the blogging spirit is anything but there. But I have been busy and not of my own accord. Its a kind of forced busy you know. When you have to wake up, have to eat, have to go work, have to be friendly. shit.
I did not realise but I have started to enjoy going all quiet. The recluse in me has finally made an appearance. I thought I would always remain one of those annoyingly happy and lucky people with no brooding to me. Well, ofcourse I brood, but now my stocks have gone public. I was told at work, 'you are a really keep-to-yourself person, arent you?'i heard myself laughing and then some more.
No really, I dont know if its age or if the city people dont amuse me enough, but I am this close to being good by myself. i like a few people and umm, they dont even live here around me. and ofcourse, there's him, the filter to my rants. he listens, puts an arm around me, nods in agreement and I am comfortable, yet again. i do feel i should be there for him too, but later on that.
that brings me to the point i have been wondering about. i dont make a good vacation buddy to most people. let me word that correctly. not everyone i have been on vacation with is a good vacation buddy. there are comfort zones and pissd zones and i could write ten posts on the times i was in the latter zone.
the recent trip to udaipur was a wake up call of sorts. not only do i hate 3 opinions on one small thing, i also hate couples. especially, the pda doing, oblivious to others, hating to sight-see couples. why would a person go to a resort in a different city and drink and make merry in the swimming pool and only that? what happened to good old sight seeing? palaces, lakes, why you no likey?
and whats with the i-wrap-my-arms-around-my-love whenever, wherever? i also love this person, and vice versa (i hope) but there's stuff to see, its a group thingy, and it gives me a happy, excited buzz around the ears. why doesnt that apply to these lovesick puppies?
and i understand resorts are rich, luxurious things and one must dive into its plushness but umm, get a room in your own city if that is all you like. period.
I am cribbing and that is because i had to deal with all of that in the typical fake mrinu smiling manner. even say stuff like 'arre nahi nahi, its cool with me' when it bloody well wasnt so. the trouble is, even my fake jig is taken to be the real thing.
that reminds me of yet another amazing trip. that was sort of spoiled by a person who couldnt control her moods. from happy friendship day, it was down to blazing ignorance in 2 minutes. and all you know was that you were talking away to glory, not knowing what hurt the moody grinch when.
another friend decided to sleep the whole day because last evening's trek was tiring. i mean hello, we are here for 2 days, and you decide to sleep for 1? i dont mind weird assery, i just mind wasting my time trying to do my thing past it.
i have had great vacations too, and the people who made it worthwhile can hear me right now. and once again, i am glad you guys are there, cos these people above suck. they are friends, but not vacation buddies. harsh truth, swallow the pill i say.
ok, on to drudgery then.
I did not realise but I have started to enjoy going all quiet. The recluse in me has finally made an appearance. I thought I would always remain one of those annoyingly happy and lucky people with no brooding to me. Well, ofcourse I brood, but now my stocks have gone public. I was told at work, 'you are a really keep-to-yourself person, arent you?'i heard myself laughing and then some more.
No really, I dont know if its age or if the city people dont amuse me enough, but I am this close to being good by myself. i like a few people and umm, they dont even live here around me. and ofcourse, there's him, the filter to my rants. he listens, puts an arm around me, nods in agreement and I am comfortable, yet again. i do feel i should be there for him too, but later on that.
that brings me to the point i have been wondering about. i dont make a good vacation buddy to most people. let me word that correctly. not everyone i have been on vacation with is a good vacation buddy. there are comfort zones and pissd zones and i could write ten posts on the times i was in the latter zone.
the recent trip to udaipur was a wake up call of sorts. not only do i hate 3 opinions on one small thing, i also hate couples. especially, the pda doing, oblivious to others, hating to sight-see couples. why would a person go to a resort in a different city and drink and make merry in the swimming pool and only that? what happened to good old sight seeing? palaces, lakes, why you no likey?
and whats with the i-wrap-my-arms-around-my-love whenever, wherever? i also love this person, and vice versa (i hope) but there's stuff to see, its a group thingy, and it gives me a happy, excited buzz around the ears. why doesnt that apply to these lovesick puppies?
and i understand resorts are rich, luxurious things and one must dive into its plushness but umm, get a room in your own city if that is all you like. period.
I am cribbing and that is because i had to deal with all of that in the typical fake mrinu smiling manner. even say stuff like 'arre nahi nahi, its cool with me' when it bloody well wasnt so. the trouble is, even my fake jig is taken to be the real thing.
that reminds me of yet another amazing trip. that was sort of spoiled by a person who couldnt control her moods. from happy friendship day, it was down to blazing ignorance in 2 minutes. and all you know was that you were talking away to glory, not knowing what hurt the moody grinch when.
another friend decided to sleep the whole day because last evening's trek was tiring. i mean hello, we are here for 2 days, and you decide to sleep for 1? i dont mind weird assery, i just mind wasting my time trying to do my thing past it.
i have had great vacations too, and the people who made it worthwhile can hear me right now. and once again, i am glad you guys are there, cos these people above suck. they are friends, but not vacation buddies. harsh truth, swallow the pill i say.
ok, on to drudgery then.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
wasseypuri maza
dear bihar,
thank you for letting kashyap think this clearly and amazingly well.
fab really.
frustiyaao nahi moora, nervousaao nahi moora,
anytime moodwa ko, anytime moodwa ko, upsetaao nahi moora
:)
ps-too much madira speaking. and madness. hic.
thank you for letting kashyap think this clearly and amazingly well.
fab really.
frustiyaao nahi moora, nervousaao nahi moora,
anytime moodwa ko, anytime moodwa ko, upsetaao nahi moora
:)
ps-too much madira speaking. and madness. hic.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
the way things came to be..
Dear ex-boyfriend,
Wanted to inform you that the last of our friends have decided to tie the knot. With M and G coming together, the group is now complete.
Ofcourse, the journey was full of surprises. I mean, C ended up not marrying anyone from the group, though he dated almost all the girls in it. Its funny how he almost was on the verge of desperation in the last party we attended together. He said, “Ab bas shaadi karni hai yaar, ab akele maza nahi aata.” Having said that, he chose someone who well, never mind. Lets just say its hardly a love marriage.
R dated the weird girl of CR Park for a while. Then he found someone better at work. But she was a non-Bong and typically, got married off before the Bong guy could commit. Now, he has found through common friends and facebook, what you call a catch. A junior of mine, I quite like her. And she is pretty.
Coming to M and G, you know how they came together; from dating different people within the group to finding each other. They both look the part of an alpha couple and I like the combined nature of the two, especially when we all get drunk. G will always be special for he is the only one I could lock horns with. Having reunited over Old Monk behind IIFT last year, we have found our place under the sun again. And I am very happy for the two.
All this is very surprising, no? I mean, five years back, in 2007, the scene was very different. And who of all people knew you and I would be this way? We both seemed ‘set for life’. I was told ‘is bande se zyada pagal koi nahi hoga’ and you were told ‘tu toh set ho gaya bhai’ by these friends of ours. Little did we know. We would give a hoot to the world and roam around free spiritedly on a Bullet, eat cheesecakes and watch every movie in town. We even discussed kid names, didn’t we? Funny how that didn’t turn up well. You had even got internet by the end. It really got important later on, you know.
That said, I don’t mind that older woman of yours, and you surely shouldn’t mind the epic one I decided to keep. It’s a pity I realized I could be the committed sorts, just not with you. But you are special. And on a day like this, when M and G are sharing laddoos and posting pictures on facebook with their respective mothers, I cant help but think of you. We both could have been there, clapping in glee for them. And maybe some more.
It’s a happy day. Lets soak ourselves in nostalgia and walk about misty eyed, shall we?
love, always.
Wanted to inform you that the last of our friends have decided to tie the knot. With M and G coming together, the group is now complete.
Ofcourse, the journey was full of surprises. I mean, C ended up not marrying anyone from the group, though he dated almost all the girls in it. Its funny how he almost was on the verge of desperation in the last party we attended together. He said, “Ab bas shaadi karni hai yaar, ab akele maza nahi aata.” Having said that, he chose someone who well, never mind. Lets just say its hardly a love marriage.
R dated the weird girl of CR Park for a while. Then he found someone better at work. But she was a non-Bong and typically, got married off before the Bong guy could commit. Now, he has found through common friends and facebook, what you call a catch. A junior of mine, I quite like her. And she is pretty.
Coming to M and G, you know how they came together; from dating different people within the group to finding each other. They both look the part of an alpha couple and I like the combined nature of the two, especially when we all get drunk. G will always be special for he is the only one I could lock horns with. Having reunited over Old Monk behind IIFT last year, we have found our place under the sun again. And I am very happy for the two.
All this is very surprising, no? I mean, five years back, in 2007, the scene was very different. And who of all people knew you and I would be this way? We both seemed ‘set for life’. I was told ‘is bande se zyada pagal koi nahi hoga’ and you were told ‘tu toh set ho gaya bhai’ by these friends of ours. Little did we know. We would give a hoot to the world and roam around free spiritedly on a Bullet, eat cheesecakes and watch every movie in town. We even discussed kid names, didn’t we? Funny how that didn’t turn up well. You had even got internet by the end. It really got important later on, you know.
That said, I don’t mind that older woman of yours, and you surely shouldn’t mind the epic one I decided to keep. It’s a pity I realized I could be the committed sorts, just not with you. But you are special. And on a day like this, when M and G are sharing laddoos and posting pictures on facebook with their respective mothers, I cant help but think of you. We both could have been there, clapping in glee for them. And maybe some more.
It’s a happy day. Lets soak ourselves in nostalgia and walk about misty eyed, shall we?
love, always.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
driftwood.
of all the friends one has and lost, the ones that hurt the most are the ones that drift apart. staying friends is good, fighting and getting over them is also exciting (for the moment), but drifting apart is a handicap that weighs you down.
why dont we see things in the same light anymore? why did we stop calling each other? why did we not make the effort to call up and hear the daily crap he or she was dishing out when we had the chance? yes, i have been there and more often than not, have been the drifter while the other, the driftee.
The drifter is a strangely egotistical rascal who enjoys the supreme knowledge that he or she is loved and needed in the driftee's life. She expects to be called on a daily basis, given updates to and to be remembered right at the beginning of sharing great news, be it a job or having a boyfriend. The drifter knows she is indispensable in her own way and 'assumes' that there isnt much work to be done on her part. and it does work mostly. till sometime later in life.
The driftee begins to feel unequal, has a sudden sense of comparison with the drifter's other friends and eventually, goes round and round in his or her head to figure out what happens next. more often than not, they deduce and link it to self worth and slowly curl up in personal hell of silence. The drifter doesnt get the 'drift' of whats happening and soon, the calls are lesser, the visits are zero and the friendship is...ummm what friendship?
While the process is very convoluted and is based on a lot of misinterpretations on both sides, the result is always the same. people drift apart. the friend who once called you up at 2am in the night to share their parents' divorce in a choked voice now simply goes wassup on your gtalk. what is worse, you suddenly realise it years later and wish something bad happened to them so they would speak to you, a little more non-virtually, that is. sheesh.
working this out wasnt so difficult, doing anything about it anymore, is.
why dont we see things in the same light anymore? why did we stop calling each other? why did we not make the effort to call up and hear the daily crap he or she was dishing out when we had the chance? yes, i have been there and more often than not, have been the drifter while the other, the driftee.
The drifter is a strangely egotistical rascal who enjoys the supreme knowledge that he or she is loved and needed in the driftee's life. She expects to be called on a daily basis, given updates to and to be remembered right at the beginning of sharing great news, be it a job or having a boyfriend. The drifter knows she is indispensable in her own way and 'assumes' that there isnt much work to be done on her part. and it does work mostly. till sometime later in life.
The driftee begins to feel unequal, has a sudden sense of comparison with the drifter's other friends and eventually, goes round and round in his or her head to figure out what happens next. more often than not, they deduce and link it to self worth and slowly curl up in personal hell of silence. The drifter doesnt get the 'drift' of whats happening and soon, the calls are lesser, the visits are zero and the friendship is...ummm what friendship?
While the process is very convoluted and is based on a lot of misinterpretations on both sides, the result is always the same. people drift apart. the friend who once called you up at 2am in the night to share their parents' divorce in a choked voice now simply goes wassup on your gtalk. what is worse, you suddenly realise it years later and wish something bad happened to them so they would speak to you, a little more non-virtually, that is. sheesh.
working this out wasnt so difficult, doing anything about it anymore, is.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
what happens.
Hey, saw your facebook status update. Are you guys fighting again?
This time its for real.
Well, the updates seem more serious than all the last times put together. But cmon, you guys are breaking up on facebook all the time.
This one is of the serious kind. We really have ended things.
But what does that even mean with you two? I don’t get it anymore.
Ya, neither do we.
I didn’t mean that. I meant, what is it about your love that’s so complicated?
I guess it never was love. Just a lot of obsession about each other.
Hahaha. Sure seemed like that. But then you kept getting back together. One wonders.
No more. He calls it a mistake, I call it a weeping heart.
Ouch. That hurts. On your part.
Who is to say which hurts more?
Ok, you need to relax. Tomorrow morning, your statuses will be back to mushy crap.
I like your optimism but there is no possible way that’s going to happen.
But what happened?
What always happens. We woke up.
This time its for real.
Well, the updates seem more serious than all the last times put together. But cmon, you guys are breaking up on facebook all the time.
This one is of the serious kind. We really have ended things.
But what does that even mean with you two? I don’t get it anymore.
Ya, neither do we.
I didn’t mean that. I meant, what is it about your love that’s so complicated?
I guess it never was love. Just a lot of obsession about each other.
Hahaha. Sure seemed like that. But then you kept getting back together. One wonders.
No more. He calls it a mistake, I call it a weeping heart.
Ouch. That hurts. On your part.
Who is to say which hurts more?
Ok, you need to relax. Tomorrow morning, your statuses will be back to mushy crap.
I like your optimism but there is no possible way that’s going to happen.
But what happened?
What always happens. We woke up.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
a life without a ...
I am not the one about the long silences, no. I am the mindless yet entertaining chatter. I am the fall back guy when the silent one needs to fill the space. So my absence was barely being busy at other fronts.
As life has been at what it does best, i.e being unpredictable. I have been rendered jobless. OK that sounds horrible. I have quit after 6 months of ego fighting (read: sword) with my evil Bengali boss. Irony, aint it? So what came as an impulsive decision has turned out to be an albatross on my neck. I know a few people who might be doing the 'I told you so' dance right about now, but well, I am only human and follies are my forte.
December was fun with a trip to Turkey and planning my first ever New year party for friends at my very own place! Yes, my own frikkin awesome flat. It is a happpy feeling when you have lived and paid rent for almost, ummm, forever.. So yeah!
January was a month in which I got down to updating my resume, mailing people, putting my ego aside and following up on whether people received my resume (which ofcourse they did!) and calling up the very same people yet again. I would never hire me if I was the 'people' I mentioned above. Also, was introduced to a new festival, Uttarayan. In Gujarat, they fly kites like nobody's business. I got into it pretty fast, much to his amazement. I guess he should've predicted it, what with my love for sports of all kinds.
While the festival and the wait to get a response from the 'people' kept me happily ignorant of a whole month passing without a job, February brought with it a promise of going and staying with Ma and Baba for a while. I hogged on bengali food, on mutton, chicken, fish and dry fish (yes, we dont leave any kind of fish) and watched theater and movies and sat on a big field with a beer bottle in my hand and a cousin who has started to look very similar to the 21 year old me, the beer guzzling and the dont-care attitude towards authority and public parks included.
Cometh March and just like old times, the exam fear has gripped me. Only that it isnt about exams anymore. Onto my third month of unemployment, I sometimes wonder about life beyond. If I even want to work anymore. Ideally, I should just start writing that book I have always wanted to. But, being a middle class, intelligent and independent woman (we are a type, I swear am not gloating) I must work, preferably in the best place in this city. And thus, neither do creative juices for the book flow, nor does the phone ring.
If I was racist about small towns before, you shouldnt start a debate about it with me now. My loathing towards anything that isnt Delhi has increased by leaps and bounds and I have my ways of keeping it normal. I watch sitcoms.
Yes, I watch endless sitcoms and love the fact that every dysfunctional character in every show can make me laugh. By that logic, I can make myself laugh at me too. And that keeps the peace.
I will be heard more often from now on, pinky swear!
As life has been at what it does best, i.e being unpredictable. I have been rendered jobless. OK that sounds horrible. I have quit after 6 months of ego fighting (read: sword) with my evil Bengali boss. Irony, aint it? So what came as an impulsive decision has turned out to be an albatross on my neck. I know a few people who might be doing the 'I told you so' dance right about now, but well, I am only human and follies are my forte.
December was fun with a trip to Turkey and planning my first ever New year party for friends at my very own place! Yes, my own frikkin awesome flat. It is a happpy feeling when you have lived and paid rent for almost, ummm, forever.. So yeah!
January was a month in which I got down to updating my resume, mailing people, putting my ego aside and following up on whether people received my resume (which ofcourse they did!) and calling up the very same people yet again. I would never hire me if I was the 'people' I mentioned above. Also, was introduced to a new festival, Uttarayan. In Gujarat, they fly kites like nobody's business. I got into it pretty fast, much to his amazement. I guess he should've predicted it, what with my love for sports of all kinds.
While the festival and the wait to get a response from the 'people' kept me happily ignorant of a whole month passing without a job, February brought with it a promise of going and staying with Ma and Baba for a while. I hogged on bengali food, on mutton, chicken, fish and dry fish (yes, we dont leave any kind of fish) and watched theater and movies and sat on a big field with a beer bottle in my hand and a cousin who has started to look very similar to the 21 year old me, the beer guzzling and the dont-care attitude towards authority and public parks included.
Cometh March and just like old times, the exam fear has gripped me. Only that it isnt about exams anymore. Onto my third month of unemployment, I sometimes wonder about life beyond. If I even want to work anymore. Ideally, I should just start writing that book I have always wanted to. But, being a middle class, intelligent and independent woman (we are a type, I swear am not gloating) I must work, preferably in the best place in this city. And thus, neither do creative juices for the book flow, nor does the phone ring.
If I was racist about small towns before, you shouldnt start a debate about it with me now. My loathing towards anything that isnt Delhi has increased by leaps and bounds and I have my ways of keeping it normal. I watch sitcoms.
Yes, I watch endless sitcoms and love the fact that every dysfunctional character in every show can make me laugh. By that logic, I can make myself laugh at me too. And that keeps the peace.
I will be heard more often from now on, pinky swear!
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