pangs

Everyday, I feel the pinch of death. Being absolutely, irrevocably in love with the canines of the world, my heart cries a little everyday. Maybe I did not notice it in the capital, maybe I was too naive or maybe, the phenomenon is more here in this city. But the truth is, I see a dead animal almost everyday.

Cant speak much about humans, they have never held a spell on me, if anything, I am getting ever more disillusioned when it comes to the ways of the human world. But this world I know, the kind hearted, warm, fuzzy, all-ABOUT-love world of dogs.

I used to feed a mommy, daddy and 3 lil ones, would bring them up to play with Gucci. Found the mommy hoarding a dead one the other day. She looked quite mental from a distance and I didnt go near. Then, a few weeks later, I saw just one tailing the mommy and I knew what had happened. It has now been a good two months and the last pup has grown strong and teenagey big. I give it Gujju food and it waits till I leave to accept it. At nights, all 3 come to my car, wag their tails, the daddy plays a lot, the mommy is weary and the kid is well, a single kid, healthy, happy and very noisy, taking on my Gucci as if there was a contest there.

This Sunday, I saw a mid sized dog lying at the other side of our building. On my way to the office, I kept wondering which one was this, had I ever petted it? Saw a brand new litter of 5 white puppies, shining in the Gujarat sun and felt better immediately.
Last night, we were eating donuts and discussing how the daddy dog whines when he sees me. N called it gay. Suddenly. with a start, I realised that we hadnt seen the baby for a few days now! With absolute and confirmed dejection, I realised that dead puppy I had seen the other day, was it. He was growing up and had starting venturing further out. We both became quiet and felt pangs of death. This puppy was literally growing up in front of our eyes, a fantastic little creature. And it took me 5 days to understand he had died.

I dont know why I am writing something so personal here, I dont want advise to be strong or to grow up. But it just hurts really badly. These animals are bundles of joy to say the least. They eat crap, stay dirty and yet, have a bounce which we with our money and cars dont have. And yet, every time, every frikkin time, their fate is sealed. Unfair, destiny, whatever, I just feel disappointed in life.
And the pain never leaves.

Keeping kaam se kaam

Suddenly, they dynamics of the office is getting pretty clear. Here you think you have chosen your friends, you have decided who your enemies are, you want to impress some and you want to undermine some. But with every passing week, the equations change. The friends kind of disappoint you in certain ways, the enemies seem stable and workable from a distance. The ones that must be impressed just take up a lot of your energy and the ones that should be undermined, well, there’s no telling how much is too much. You want to piss them off but you might need them later.

So I am not comfortable with married Gavin. He is not someone I want be friends with, much less be ‘close friends’ as he thinks we ‘already’ are. Another one of those I lead on, it seems. But we are in the same team and I cannot be avoiding him. Darn.
My car buddy is interesting though. From not talking much to letting her heart out about how much her teammate bugs her, was drastic. And the loathing in Texas is just too heavy in the air. She apparently is even ready for the day when I will be influenced enough to stop talking to her after hearing from her teammate. Years in the same company does that to you, I always say. Yesterday, she told me she was surprised how much she had let me in.

My friends don’t want me taking up so much because that shows I am available. What does available mean at the workplace anyway? From nicely advising me, they have now stooped to sarcastic comments. “Go out in the sun and get your stories, don’t tell us when boss loads you with more work” is something I hear every time I say I am tired now. A simple statement comes with baggage.

Its coming close to a year and I have stayed quiet in the beginning, moved to speaking carefully marking my territory and now, I feel I am gossiping too much. I complain about work, people and let people say the same things to me. Its kind of mediocre and bad but I don’t see how I can ask people to rise above the average and say nice things. Page 1, social impact awards later, I feel some of the nice ones slipping away. A small town, a smaller workplace and its that easy for things to get to you. And of course, that typical stigma of ‘if you smoke with the guys, you are obviously gossiped about and not a nice girl.’

In the end, maybe you need to just do your work and be nice, no matter what. That’s the plan for this month.