Khub douracho

I had decided I will write plenty today. But I am strangely missing my train of thought right now. Absolutely don’t remember what it was I wanted to talk about.
Basically, more than a month has passed and I am hardly there. I know big plans await me (it’s a belief, its not based on facts) but I seem to have slowed down. More and more people have started counting on me, I feel they consider me as an adult now. Gulp.

Cousin T has changed boyfriends in a matter of a month and she expects me (out of the entire family) to understand. I, ofcourse understand how this heart works and how soon it changes it mind. Her ex was a workaholic and the new one is way more interesting, I think the young one needs a little fun right now, not stability from a professionally successful guy. I am with her on this, and am trying my best to be a cool Dee, so that the kiddo has atleast one person to confide in. You don’t need the teenagers to go completely quite these days, no?

The colleague with whom I go to work in the mornings lately isn’t a friend yet and I don’t think I will make him one. He is a strange mix of no-nonsense and yet funny. He is a tough taskmaster at work and people are a little wary of him. Hasn’t got married and don’t think he will. But in those 40 minutes, he shares. Tells me to rest, take a sabbatical and heal myself. He also lets me know what he feels about the traffic, the plastic munching cows and dogs, doctors and even his frustration at his work and seniors. So I understand this crab and yet not. I am still trying to.

On another note, was told by Him that everybody keeps asking for me and apparently, I am a hit amongst his friends. Well, if I had to deduce how I managed to score that much, I would say am a natural (not modest I know) and it doesn’t take much, I am easy on the eyes for most.

Mom has become a friend. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that our time is measured, or because things in the family are ever changing and this is the current wave. But nowadays, I explore the city with her. It keeps her happy and makes her feel I have time for her in between my very butterfly like social life.

The physio lady tells me the other day, “Khub douracho, tai eto koshto pacho. But thamleo je tumi khushi hobena. Ki je chao..”

Even I couldn’t have summed it so perfectly.

profoundity in unusual quarters

Half the story of love is the discovery of it as you put it behind you. And with that discovery comes the knowledge that your own journey is still incomplete. The maps have changed, the continents have shifted and the horizons are not the ones you remember. However, the road it still open and there is much to see, but only if you have the courage to see that the first step is always a departure.
-the storyteller's tale

A buddy read the book and found this brilliant life-altering quote. It has stayed on and I need to keep coming back to this from time to time in life..

atonement

It rains from deep in the night till morning, there is a silence within, life feels abrupt. Almost like art cinema, feel the tug at the seams nowadays. Everything is a blur, I multi-task and nothing makes sense. Dont remember the last time I was out the whole day, not looking at my watch, not worrying about getting back home, not thinking about getting better or sick, not thinking how he or she would take it if I could make it or could not.

This week, it is. Closure, there is none. But thats okay, life has never been clinical as far as matters of the heart are concerned.

I will survive, am almost happy. Hope its the same for you.

Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.
-Dirty Dancing

Udaan

Watched an amazing movie today, Udaan. I had partly watched it before but today, I watched it completely and maybe its the slightly cloudy weather outside and inside the film, but it has really made me all stirred up within.

You know how it feels when someone asks you what you want to do with your life? At 25, I get that a lot less now. I guess it has also got to do with my relationship status, I am supposedly at a very stable state of affairs. But I have never felt this confused in my entire life. Not only do I keep wondering 'where to' from here, I also wonder if I have already lost my dreams somewhere in the middle.

I must confess, I havent been a big dreamer ever. I have always been a confident kid and maybe because of that, I have felt the world is my oyster. So when as a kid, my friends would say they wanted to become an engineer (and they also became one) a doctor or a teacher, I would say I want to be a bus conductor because a)people trust him with the money, b) the money makes for a nice sound, clinking in the conductor's bag and c)we travel all day and meet new people.

Yes, that was foolish then and even now, I cant imagine how low on aspirations I was. Or maybe, I was on the right track. I still believe that those things are more important to me than fancy degrees. I know I have got one but still, feeling trusted, with some money in my pocket and getting to explore, that would be it. Even today.

How much of a right thing is it to pursue a dream seen by others for you? If I had a father like that, I'd be doing drugs by now. Yes, submitting to authority has never been a strong point and while watching the movie, the strong dislike for the same kept coming up so often. There were moments when I cried as I could not bear the heaviness of the situation or the pain of the protagonist. It made me want to get up and do something about it.

What also kept touching a chord was the small town feel of the movie. I have always said this, I am a wrong person to have been born and brought up in the capital. I havent really understood the very many flashy concepts of being a part of this world, and have been a popular misfit all my life. It has worked for me yes, but I have found my best mates in small towners and have felt at home with them.

There is something about the absence-of-options-and-varieties in a small town that makes you a very basic, real sort of a person. What you see is what you get, it is a relief to be around such people. I sometimes feel that could border on drab but mostly, the pace and the peace appeals to me hugely. Will never settle down in one, my ways are too spoilt for them, but when I see something like that, I sigh. Dont know why.

I have always yearned a brother, and at this point in life, it is safe to say I wont find one. No logic to that, I just know it. The bond between the two brothers was just so beautiful that it made me sad. The fact that they werent related by blood just went on to make one point very clear to me, life is all about love and you find it in the most unlikeliest of places. But when you do, just embrace it without thinking. You may get hurt later, but who cares for later when you experience something so strong in the now.

Have been spending some time with myself, have been very retrospective for a while now, maybe it has got to do with my current state and also, like I said in the beginning, how I am at crossroads in life, yet again. And while people think I have never been this settled, inside of me, I know for a fact how very unsettled I am. So many aspirations, and so many uncertainties.

And at a time like this, comes Udaan. Wanna fly away too..

Pairon ki bediyan khwabon ko baandhe nahi re, kabhi nahi re..
Kahani khatam hai ya shuruwaat hone ko hai,
Subah nayi hai yeh ya phir raat hone ko hai..

dirty fellow

We were on a funny topic the other day, about our quirks. When I said I absolutely love the way the insides of my pet's ears smell, the conversation pretty much went downhill from there. I wanted some sort of a confirmation so I asked Ma, and she stared at me and said I am 'going to the dogs'! Well, quite literally.

Yes I do love that doggy smell, I look for it when am back home from work, and I hope it stays on my sweater when am out. I feel heavenly in that dogginess. It makes me feel like my favourite person, a blanket, some hot chocolate and You've got mail on the telly, all put together in a moment. I live for that moment you know. It defines perfection, and while I achieve it sometimes, one of the four elements is almost always missing. So it hasn't been perfect yet. Only in my head.

So the doggy smell (in want of a better term) is what makes me feel, well, umm, truly Mrinalini.

Afterthought-No I am not crazy yet.