Udaan

Watched an amazing movie today, Udaan. I had partly watched it before but today, I watched it completely and maybe its the slightly cloudy weather outside and inside the film, but it has really made me all stirred up within.

You know how it feels when someone asks you what you want to do with your life? At 25, I get that a lot less now. I guess it has also got to do with my relationship status, I am supposedly at a very stable state of affairs. But I have never felt this confused in my entire life. Not only do I keep wondering 'where to' from here, I also wonder if I have already lost my dreams somewhere in the middle.

I must confess, I havent been a big dreamer ever. I have always been a confident kid and maybe because of that, I have felt the world is my oyster. So when as a kid, my friends would say they wanted to become an engineer (and they also became one) a doctor or a teacher, I would say I want to be a bus conductor because a)people trust him with the money, b) the money makes for a nice sound, clinking in the conductor's bag and c)we travel all day and meet new people.

Yes, that was foolish then and even now, I cant imagine how low on aspirations I was. Or maybe, I was on the right track. I still believe that those things are more important to me than fancy degrees. I know I have got one but still, feeling trusted, with some money in my pocket and getting to explore, that would be it. Even today.

How much of a right thing is it to pursue a dream seen by others for you? If I had a father like that, I'd be doing drugs by now. Yes, submitting to authority has never been a strong point and while watching the movie, the strong dislike for the same kept coming up so often. There were moments when I cried as I could not bear the heaviness of the situation or the pain of the protagonist. It made me want to get up and do something about it.

What also kept touching a chord was the small town feel of the movie. I have always said this, I am a wrong person to have been born and brought up in the capital. I havent really understood the very many flashy concepts of being a part of this world, and have been a popular misfit all my life. It has worked for me yes, but I have found my best mates in small towners and have felt at home with them.

There is something about the absence-of-options-and-varieties in a small town that makes you a very basic, real sort of a person. What you see is what you get, it is a relief to be around such people. I sometimes feel that could border on drab but mostly, the pace and the peace appeals to me hugely. Will never settle down in one, my ways are too spoilt for them, but when I see something like that, I sigh. Dont know why.

I have always yearned a brother, and at this point in life, it is safe to say I wont find one. No logic to that, I just know it. The bond between the two brothers was just so beautiful that it made me sad. The fact that they werent related by blood just went on to make one point very clear to me, life is all about love and you find it in the most unlikeliest of places. But when you do, just embrace it without thinking. You may get hurt later, but who cares for later when you experience something so strong in the now.

Have been spending some time with myself, have been very retrospective for a while now, maybe it has got to do with my current state and also, like I said in the beginning, how I am at crossroads in life, yet again. And while people think I have never been this settled, inside of me, I know for a fact how very unsettled I am. So many aspirations, and so many uncertainties.

And at a time like this, comes Udaan. Wanna fly away too..

Pairon ki bediyan khwabon ko baandhe nahi re, kabhi nahi re..
Kahani khatam hai ya shuruwaat hone ko hai,
Subah nayi hai yeh ya phir raat hone ko hai..