Wont get up.

She didn't want to get up that morning. It was frosty outside and her tummy, her back, her legs all groaned. She wanted to stay covered inside her shocking pink blanket for the whole day, or maybe till the sun shone.

"You have got to get up now hun, its morning and there is work to be done,' he said.
"Nope, I will make an excuse. I don't want to get up."
"You cant take any more leaves this season. Cmon, try telling your mind it is important and slowly it will agree to you."
"Mind might, my body wont. It wont get up."

He chuckled a little, thinking how weird this girl was, her logics were inane to say the least. He went to the kitchen, made her favorite Turkish tea and took the tray to her with a few cupcakes. The chocolate ones.

"Ok, have your tea then," he said knowing she couldn't resist tea. and cupcakes.
She sniffed like a dog from under the covers and then woke up with a swiftness not expected from a sleepy human.
"You made the tea? Just to wake me up? That's not fair!"
"Well, everything is fair in love and war."
"Sigh, in the name of love, I have to now go and war at work," she said nibbling on her cake.
"Why do you see your work as such a burden hun, it should make you happy, no?"
"Well, I work because am middle class. If I ever had my way, I would hibernate every winters and join work in the springtime. And yes, go to work at all kinds of hours. Not every frikking morning," she said with much emotions. Clearly, she was waking up.

"I don't think so. You work because you couldn't do without it. If I tell you, forget middle classism, you could stop working from tomorrow, I will take care of you, then would you do it?"

She was confused. He was very honestly saying all this, she could tell. Then why did this feel like a trap of the wits?

"Ummm, I wouldn't leave my job, cos that would make me sulk and get fat at home. And am sure you wouldnt want that. So for you, I wouldn't quit working."
"Hahahahhaha, sure. right."

The battle is won by the one who has the last laugh, she thought as she got out of her bed. This very cold morning, when the body was numb and her mind was wanting to win the next one, she smiled in spite of herself as one thing was sure. The heart was all warmed up.

this and that

some dirty dancing,
and then sweet home alabama.
missing home,
then embracing the sea.
being everywhere,
and wanting to be nowhere.
wondering about life,
while life is hugging tight.
drinking and eating and loving like never,
pondering over words and memories,
if they will come back ever.
this is what we wait for, this is what we do,
this is what we forget,
but then again,
this is what we remember.

Delhi

the lamp posts kept rushing past her, one after the other..one yellow light like an egg yolk after another. the roads flashed past her. she used to ask her father why the lamp posts on both sides looked parallel to each other but when they neared it, the lamp posts closed in. he had never given an answer, no. she felt too old to ask now.

the city had the same smell since childhood, the wispy air plus the cigarette stench, she took in a lot of the air together, this was her familiar oxygen.

she wanted to hold on to it, like forever. it was becoming a choked feeling, missing so much.

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

To stop train, pull chain.

It has started to get chillier. So it took time to get up even after the alarm went off. Ma was angry (at 25, I was apparently expected to) and somehow she wasn’t getting ready either. Dad woke up much later, didn’t take a bath, took just one pair of clothes (the one he wore) and was ready. Basically, we were running late.

In the car, Ma started to chant and I was just plain moody (after I get up from my sleep, I mostly am) The train was at 7:40 and we reached the station at 7:30am. I and Ma found out that the Shatabdi was coming on platform 2 (the other side of the station) so we jogged, while Dad went to park his car at the lot, so that we could also go back back in our own car the next day when we returned.

7:37am, and I am told coach C5 is in the middle of the platform. I run literally and turn back after every 3 minutes to check on mother. Father was surely missing the train but being a guy, I let him deal with it. The train gave out a whistle and I reached C5. I entered and looked behind me to find no mother. A man hwo was smoking outside told me, ‘sab chale ayenge, train se mat latko.’ Meh. I was disappointed as I knew, atleast one parent would miss the train and one wouldn’t.

Suddenly, from within the coach before our coach (C4), I see my Dad sweeping past passengers, coming through the small connecting area between two coaches, towards me. Ohh, so it was Dad who made it, not Mom. Okay.

I went into the coach and headed to the seats on my ticket, only to see the same man looking back at me. I told the woman next to him that she was sitting on our seats. She said no, those seats belonged to them. I was too blank by then so I said smilingly, ‘Let TT come, he will sort this for us.’ She wasn’t relaxed one bit and wanted to see my ticket. I felt a little angry so I asked to see hers too.

By now, my Dad was breathing on my neck (he is royal types, doesn’t like standing too long, he was going mad for a seat by now)

‘Arre madam (I hate that word) aapki tickets 10^th Dec ki hai, not November,’ The lady triumphantly announced.

I couldn’t believe her words, I took my ticket, read it aloud, traced my fingers throught the sheet as if doing that would change the numbers. I now had two pairs of eyes looking at me. Ma had emerged from somewhere and was waiting for my verdict.

I said ‘Yes 10^th Dec it says. TT sir!’

The nasty TT was even worse. He kept repeating ‘Chalti gadi mein bina ticket ke hai. Saza toh milegi.’

I couldn’t believe the train was moving, we had reached late and yet both my parents had boarded the train, and instead of being victorious, I was now haggling with the TT, almost being pushed off the train for being ticketless.

I said, ‘Kya kya options hai sirjee?’ (ya right, my arse sirjee)

He tells me with closed eyes ‘Pull chain and get down. Pay fine.

Get down at panipat, pay fine till that station.

Go till Chandigarh. Buy fresh tickets. So the 515 rs ticket will cost you 930rs.’

I checked my wallet, saw 3k in it, pulled all of it out and bought three tickets, with a very pissed father threatening to get down at Panipat. I told him nothing was worth missing our one year old niece’s birthday in Chandigarh, but he was too furious to think clearly.

I bought the tickets and my parents and I were given three differently placed seats (wherever no one had booked basically) and we sat.

Baba had to stay, once I got him a ticket, his Panipat plans failed, he read the paper with a vengeance. On some other corner I could hear Ma sort of angry and hurt, mumbling about being ticketless at the age of 55, insulting etc.

I sat on one faraway seat, sipping the tea which was served to us last (by now, the food had started coming in), thinking nothing.

The train took a jolt, I burnt my mouth.

I was wondering why this happened, why did I book on wrong dates. One explanation came to my mind. My mother's birthday is on the 10^th Dec, so I just put the date by instinct. That could be the only logic. And even that is flawed. Because cmon, who is that stupid?

The announcement lady buzzed alive ‘There is a green suitcase that has no takers. The concerned person must contact the TT and take it from the seat its lying on.'

A little far I could hear my mother mumble, ‘First tickets, wasted money and now bomb scare, what a day!’

I didn’t have a single support from anyone. I knew those two were happy inside their hearts that we could make the trip, but they wouldn’t show it. In my head, I gave myself a thumbs up, I had been very cool today, I felt like a real SRK fan, with my own train story to tell.

This was all worth it. Till I find a reason, that is.

in the spider's web

that was then. it had seemed easy. now, everything ends up as a meaning. everything makes sense. nothing can be left out, its scary, how much meaning life suddenly has.

they say char din ki zindagi, and then also say, its your life, make it large.

which one do i follow?

i have always been a believer, a reasoner, a worshipper of words, and yet there are so many that give me company, its difficult to understand which is the best friend amongst so many. some words are rogue you know.

there are times when the believer is mocked,

times when the lover is doubted,

times when nothing matters,

and times when even the bright blue water of the river makes the most beautiful meaning..

i am a writer stuck, a human worked up, a believer fussed.

Aage bhi jane na tu,

peeche bhi jane na tu.

jo bhi hai, bas yehi ek pal hai..

lies

A hundred pages,
all half written.
A hundred thoughts,
All half acted upon.
I wish I could be caught when I lied,
It would be so easy to be alive
There should be a toll,
to every time you suppress,
There should be a curse,
Every time you digress.
How easy life would be,
If only lies could be caught.
Oh you should know, that I tried,
You should know that,
every time I did,
my mind pacified.
The beauty of life is to say you are free,
when you are not.
To say its good to be,
when you’d rather not
Oh how much more we’d love the truth
If only, the lies were caught.

In bad taste.

Was coming back from office and saw an accident. No, I haven’t seen an accident where I have had to see the man sprawled on the road, blood oozing out from his skull. It felt like his connect from the real world was gone. I shivered in fear and grabbed the cab mate’s hand who must have thought I am really weird because I am talking all smart stuff throughout the day. To imagine, I am this weak. Some people on the road told us the brand and colour of the car that hit him and asked us to follow it, as it had to pay the toll ahead and couldn’t have gone too far. I had a sinking feeling that we would never be able to catch the rascal and if given the option, out of the two, I would want the man to be saved.

The mind numbed down to such a level that I had to forget the hierarchy of respect and ask the senior editor for a smoke. After I began to smoke, I realized it was very, very strong a brand. It charred my taste and I realized it was a bad decision.

Experienced fear, helplessness, uncertainty and finally nausea. Not how the Friday was supposed to go. Getting drunk and wasted with friends was what was planned.
At least, wasted was a common emotion.

Stuck, really?

The wind outside was so strong it could only mean two things. One, there was no way they could leave for their homes now. Two, they were now going to have to wait it out together. That meant they had to talk more. It would only get painful from here on. After all, it was supposed to be just for an hour. Anything more than that, they weren’t prepared for.

So, this looks like it will keep us in for sometime now, eh?
Yes, so it seems. More tea for you?
Yes, a Darjeeling for me.
You seem to choose all kinds.
Yes, don’t I?
So, you are telling me this is it? Its happening for real.
Yes, its happening and we are witnessing it, aren’t we?
Hmmm..
It is totally wrong though, it is not going according to the plans at all, not my plans atleast.
Maybe you wont say it after a few years..
Yes, maybe I wont. But even that will happen because today, this happened.
It feels miserable being this, I hope you know that.
And imagine how miserable it is, to be this.

Your tea.

The rain was now pouring, and the windows were a dark black. The rain was coming down with such ferocity that she couldn’t see more than a blur. The blur had extended its reach though; it had inched its way into her heart and mind.

There was a point after which the games didn’t matter anymore. Where it would be nice to know just where one was headed. But it was not to be the case, ever. She sipped a long wishful sip from her cup.

Do you realize nature wants us to sit here, together?
Nature has wanted that before, with other people too.
Yeah, but never has it literally stopped one from going apart from each other. Like today.
Is this a sign, you think? She smiled warmly at him.
Yes! It is a sign, don’t you see it too?
I have got an umbrella too, so I guess even that is a sign.
Well, alright.
Hey, I was being a little light headed, don’t mind, ok.
No, I am numbing down now, it works after a while, when you cant hear the rain or your thoughts.

The feeling was this thick in the air and yet, it couldn’t be tasted. They had spoken too much and yet, not enough. They needed a lifetime and they had an hour.

And the tea was over.

Rain and what comes with it..

It was pouring cats and dogs that day. So much so, the maid hadn’t come in, the house was a mess, and the leave she took just like that, ended up being just that, a leave from every thing. Not that she had plans to move around the house even. She had decided to mope around endlessly, and take breaks only if a good movie was coming on the telly. Charlie and the chocolate factory managed to make her smile, though only till the movie played.

She was back to being retrospective, almost sad. She couldn’t put a finger to as to why this was happening now. And what was the reason this time. The rain thrashed her windows and scared her a little. Maybe the solitude she was asking for was coming with a price. Maybe everyone was getting used to not seeing her and talking to her enough to forget about her. Or worse, move on without her.

She wanted to be there, in the midst of it all, but then again, she had hardly known anything for sure all her life. Decisions were planted on her path, saner, wiser people always told her what to do best, she had always listened anyway. Not because she agreed, but she couldn’t decide on her own. It was a pain and it could only be understood if it happened to you, she thought. This feeling could not be shared, ever. Not even with your beloved.

Music is a good friend. An unknown person hums a song with words that caress your solitude and agree to your mood. You literally feel like saying ‘yes, you got me’ to the song, and it’s a relief to not have to converse with the song. Monologues work well.

This scene has played itself time and again in her life. In school, in college, and now when she was old. When people say they change, do they mean they start behaving in the same situations differently? Or is that some situations keep coming back to you in life, and you cannot change a thing about them. The helplessness then is the helplessness now.

What if?

Totally in the mood for it Ingrid :)

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?

when you want to .

Have had a very tiring day, not the physical kinds, that happens all the time. The mentally tiring ones. There is so much to show, to do, it sort of weighs you down at times. There are responsibilities and things expected. Of course you deliver, but what if you just put up your legs on the sofa, lie down with a bowl of ice cream over your tummy and say ‘sorry man, shop closed, the buck stops here!’

Cant I really do this at least once in life? Ya, I could do it once I stop working or become a homebody etc, but no, doing so on a randomly busy day would be more like it.

I am getting used to being rebellious, this scares me. Nobody likes it much, I have been told. But it hurts to be any other way. Its good being me, even though it hurts you.

I know there will soon come a time when I shall be hurting over something the universe will have done, but till then, I can pretend to be having a good time, hanging on there.

i get it. i always did.

there were two things that she held dear, the way she loved her long black hair, and the way she felt nothing when she cut them off.
-500 days of Summer

Rain rain, come again, everyday.

Have been having the quietest and nicest week ever. It’s been raining constantly and the new job is hectic, by the time I get up for tea, it’s almost 5, so cant complain about long work hours, especially when the hours are passing me by without me knowing it.

Come back home very late and go nowhere. Yes, the absolutely outdoorsy me (when Ma leaves for Kolkata, that is) has decided to camp in. I take a bath, wear my daddy’s big warm clothes, eat my hot dinner with Gucci gulping down the stuff I throw at him and finally watch endless TV.

Watched Alex and Emma, 10 Things I hate about you and A Good woman in the last three days. The first movie is so rom-com (I cant get enough of those) while the second one is very teenage-y, guess I am moving out of that genre for good now. The last movie is very British, very suave, I love the humor and the one liners, can so relate.


Also, have discovered The Simpsons. All my life, I wondered what the big deal about this cartoon was, and have finally understood. It is mad humor, so vague and so cool. Guess, TV is the best invention after all. I have found once again, that while I am a social animal, I can also hibernate quite comfortably, thank you.

There is a thing or two I have learnt about friendships. While friends are good to have and would trade them for absolutely nothing in the world, they also bruise you sometimes. From the unlikeliest quarters, you get to feel hurt you never thought existed, and there is no way out of this dilemma, because you weren’t really expecting it. You weren’t prepared. Mindless days and hours later, you still wonder…

Rains are a good thing, they make me want to write, they make me want to do some poetry, and they even make me hopeful about relationships and ‘forever after’.

Getting to me!

It's been a while since I have been feeling this way. Of course, it relates to things real and fictional. There is never a sure way to know. There are times when the feeling overpowers me, it tells me this way is better, but then, there is always the pull. The stronger, sharper and the more amazing pull. The other one, the temporary fixation, looks more real, but so does everything that comes with a temptation. But what is the temptation here?

Just a familiarity that comes from the language? Is that enough? All things glitter from a distance, and one should be a fool to think that would last forever. There are too many insecurities in this one human life, too many options, the platter is always too full (am I the only one complaining?) mostly you have no peace. Nowhere, ever. And maybe that is the part that makes you feel alive, wanted and there in the middle of everything. You want to be there, to feel the air on your face, to be the life of the party, accept it, you do.
But its all fleeting.

Two similar moments and this is what you know. The purity of emotions in one case is so strong and yet so subtle. Decades it was there, and yet you never felt its force.
In the second case, its recent, its new, its equally helpless and yet, its mocking in a manner that confuses you and questions your reality. Is it right or am I going all wrong?

Long life, will know soon.

the truth is..

You are very hot.
Hey thanks.
No seriously, I have got to see you more often.
Umm, you are here for work, once its over, you have to leave, how can you keep seeing me more?
I dont know, tell me how. I think I am attracted to you as hell.
Ok leave now. You are complicating things, you said your girlfriend will be dropping by to join you. so, go.
I will come back. I will have to. Promise me you will meet.

bell rings*

Hi, oh you have a lovely collection here. No wonder he chose you to do his project.
Thanks a ton, he is a good client.
Yes, yes, everyone says that. Its good to work with him, I have been told. So honey, lets move now?
Umm, yeah lets.
He turns back one last time, rushes to her and tells her slowly, 'I will come back. you have to see me.'
Your girl is here. Go away. Am not a thief.
But I need to kiss you, I will come back.

They leave.

You think she will do a good job? You need awesome pr this time.
She is brilliant. Will do well am sure.
So you want to go back sometime and check on her progress?
What? Why? She knows her work.
I dont know, maybe you should go back..see how its comin up, know for sure you want her..
Excuse me?
I mean, know for sure if you want her in this project. You must know.

People know. They always do. You think you are smart, but one can always tell. It catches you unawares, and you do take the bait. But little do you realise, somebody always knows. And eventually, there is hurt all around you.

ARGENTINA or GERMANY? Both :)

So Argentina lost. And the trouble is, it lost to Germany. My two favorite teams. There is no telling how good or bad I feel. The day Germany was thrashing England, I was rejoicing, dancing along with other german fans at Flames. Little did I know that they would face Argentina in the quarter finals. Once again after 2006, they faced each other and once again, Germany won. Literally thrashed, butchered, routed Argentina. I am sad, infact my heart goes out to Maradona, Messi. But strangely, in an hour’s time, I feel happy. For Germany. If the gemini state of mind was something I always believed in, today, I would vouch for it. I love the clinical, almost shrewd manner of the germans. Blame me if you want.

Life is at a crossroads. I put in my papers yesterday. My hands shook while clicking on ‘sent’. At the back of my mind, something told me ‘there is no looking back from here’. The place I will go to, will be new and ruthless in its own usual way. Nobody is kind to a newbie. I will have to make a mark, be awesome in my job. Have to be ‘a somebody’, all in a few months. Need holidays in a few months, and then some more. But I have to join this place, I have to be good at my job and I have to ask for leaves. Most importantly, I have to be fit enough for all of this. Shifts, no Saturdays and Sundays sound as scary to me as living alone in a city. And yet, in the last few months, desperation drove me to accept all these things. With a little money and a profile that sounds good in my head, I have accepted a new spice in my life. Have to taste dishes made of this spice and have to say its good, because its something I chose. Just hope it is not as real as I am thinking it will be. I hope it is fun and beautiful in its reality.

In this year, too much is happening, much more will happen. Don’t know how much I am ready for. Fact is, I am hardly ready. Friends wise, I am stagnant. Workwise, I am moving ahead. Personally, I am more or less at the same place. Financially, I am moving ahead but so are the expectations of me.
Had always hoped to be a free bird, don’t know how much of a restriction my new life will put on me. I should work things out, see the better in everything, and be a free bird anyway.

Just like when Argentina loses, I should always be able to feel happy for Germany.

gibberishing

more faces. more i see, lesser i remember. cutting short conversations, listening but not really. in the midst of it all, but nobody's in the end.
getting there or starting over?

State of my mind

I find myself in the darkest of corners, and there, out of nowhere, light spreads within.

Ofcourse I try to change the people I care for. And then, again I realise it too late. A slap on my forehead, a stupid giggle and I come back to my senses. Wasted effort, wasted energy. also, spent emotions. Sigh.

Nobody changes. They do, but when they have to. Nothing you say or do makes a difference. If it does, its a silent difference. They wont let you know you have made that difference. On the outside, you will never know. And that will hurt. Almost as if it didnt matter, you didnt matter. And while it definitely did matter, you will never be told.

The friction is too much, you want to say it out loud, but ofcourse your ego holds you back. It makes sure you are silent and passive. It manages to break what you build in a matter of time. Happens everytime.

And yet, everytime, you let it happen. You dont mend your ways. ever. And then, you want the other person to change.
Huh, hypocrite.

Swimming happened!

It was as early as 5am and I was feeling sick. I wanted to sit inside the bathroom and never come out. It happens every time I start something new. Yes, swimming is new. And it was supposed to be amazing (atleast in my mind, it always has been). For two reasons; one, it was a water sport and I love lounging in water and two, it was my first bold attempt at learning something totally on my own! That was a kick alright.

So when three of my friends suddenly stirred up a swimming plan, it seemed like they were kidding at first. Of course they were. They were planning to attend classes from 5am everyday; you had to be kidding me! I haven’t seen how 5am looks like in my entire life! And how will I be going to work everyday after all that activity? Crazy.

But they were serious and went on making more and more plans. Slowly I got into it, not knowing when the fun summery plan became a distinct possibility.

Saturday saw me and one of my buddies buying swimming gear from CP. And just like that, I had invested in it. There was no looking back now.

That is the part where I sat inside the bathroom, fearing the pool, the short swimming costume, and everything in life. The friend who had the car called in sick and that left us with no option but to wait till 6am when we could get an auto.

As soon as we reached the place, (A huge and posh sports complex in South Delhi) we hurried through our forms, and in my haste I told the receptionist I would need coaching. To that, she added a grand extra to my fees (sigh) I was investing way more than I had planned and suddenly I realized with my birthday two weeks away, I wasn’t really being very wise.

Forget wise, I was really stupid, as once in the water, everyone shouted ‘sir sir’ to the only coach around as if he belonged to everyone. Turns out, he did. He didn’t have any clue who was paying extra for his instructions and so was catering to everyone who shouted a ‘sir’. My bad.

So the lesson began. Along with several kids, I was taught to breathe inside the water. The water whooshed through my ears, even after wearing a cap and I thought it would be fatal for my hearing. My buddy said it wont, its common. Ok, part two then.
I was taught to let my body float. I did it and because I wore lenses (I cant wear glasses to the pool, and I cant be without glasses as I wouldn’t see a thing! So lenses it is, with swimming goggles ofcourse) I could see a bit. Some very small leaf like things, a pubic hair I guess, a noodle like thread from something someone wore. Maybe that aunty with a lame board in her hand. She wore ugly shorts of the same colour. I tried hard not to think of my OCD, and remembered real heroes were made from tough situations like these. My fear was the all the above mentioned things, and well, I was doing a good job not thinking much of them.


The coach then told me to let go of the border and start to float a bit on my own. That took a little effort as whenever I started off, inside the water, I had visions like those in Gothika (yes, all kinds of fears I have. You would have thought the only fear one would have during swimming would be drowning or the fear of water. And that’s the only fear I do not have.) I got all scattered and gulped in a lot of water, looked like a sissy and went back to my corner. Lounged a bit and thought there could be no ghosts with this many fat Dilli ke Punjabis around me, and started afresh. Still all lopsided I kept getting and when I tried to cheat by taking tips from my friend who already knew swimming, the coach saw me from nowhere and lunged at me a fistful of water and screamed ‘baatein nahiiiiiiii’!! I was a newbie, not able to float and and now the entire pool knew that I was lounging. Felt like a backbencher.

One very cool thing I learnt however, is that I can spit out the water I gulp in by mistake in the nearest drain by just half plopping myself out of the pool! Hah! It feels all rustic and cool :P (like omkara or maybe Rambo training in the jungle) also, I know for a fact that getting tanned or not, I am going to love whatever comes next. The water is just so…exciting.

The first day ended when the hour slot rung and we were told the pool has become too dirty, so it needed to be cleaned. So, I was right, the pubic hair was a reality. Ugh.

Swimming, I do not know how soon I will learn you, and if you will totally exhaust me in a few days, but till I do, life in the pool is interesting enough to keep me busy and in a strange way, happy!

Photo courtesy:zevs.net

Like the photo says, off the mark!

Yes its 98.51. and this, even before I took out money for the trip. Ofcourse I have another account but that has just enough to travel, get back, wait-patiently-till-the-30th kinds. I am your brilliant example of young and broke India. It helps when people call you smart and pretty though, as that gives you hope that maybe sometime in the future, my smartness will equate to dollars or pounds.

So this hotshot media house rejected me recently. They called me saying I am custom made for the job and while interviewing me, they realised I hold a similar designation in a different vertical. I had said yes and gone with a lot of hope, thinking they knew I was opting for their said vertical. I really wanted to change my profile and was amazed when this opportunity offered me exactly that. the change.

But as soon as he realised the difference (which was comparable but all in the name of media) in the two verticals, he shelled in completely going to the point of saying 'you know we cant afford to take someone from a different vertical, we have too much responsibility riding on this post.'
I told him how I would be great at it (and knew it was a goner as soon as I said it), I had been taught all that in college for pete's sake!
But protocol. norm. the works.


He let me write an article for 'protocol' sake and once I was done, he asked me if I was active in social sites, esp twitter. Fact is, I hate twitter, it ughs me at how much people can discuss their mundane lives in a line after every hour. So I said, 'yea, on fb, but thats it.'

I dont know how it helped him judge me or if at all, it served any purpose. Its been five days and ofcourse, the job isnt mine. While I cross out this media house for the next couple of years to come, I cant fathom how some news giant that talks of giving unbiased news and being the voice of the public can be so rigid. So stiff, that they cant see over my current profile to my actual skills. Cant see the potential from the article I wrote just because I belonged to a different vertical. How are they the best if they dont even give change a chance?

On with my hunt...ofcourse, with some more salt to taste :P

Photo courtesy: Mark Parisi

Your average IPL night...

Him-Why did you switch off your phone?
Her-Umm, just like that. I was getting a lot of messages, got bugged.
Him-What messages?
Her-Kolkata lost, so all my ‘good’ friends didn’t miss the chance to flaunt that.
Him-So you switch off the phone? You know I call around this time..
Her-You are obsessed with Mumbai Indians. What makes you think talking to you will make me feel any better right now?
Him-Yaar, I support Mumbai for Sachin. Tendulkar is God. You know if I had to be a fan, I would only be Sachin’s. And I am.
Her-Half the world is. What so cool about that?
Him-Excuse me? Are you telling me being a Sachin fan is a bad thing?
Her-Am just saying being a Sachin fan is a safe thing. I mean everybody on planet earth knows he is demigod, he is a legend. Being his fan is herd mentality.
Him-And being a Dada fan makes you what? Unique?
Her-No, but he is one hell of a fighter. You cant put him down. He just keeps getting knocked out and he just comes back better. Falls again, rises again. Killer guy.
Him-He is old. He should just quit. He falls too bloody often.
Her-He has been the most successful Indian captain of all times, Sachin can never be a good captain. He can never instill the killer attitude Ganguly put in the kids like Bhajji, Yuvraj, Zaheer. Why don’t you except the fact that certain people are meant to do certain things? Ganguly is meant to lead a team, teach us about rising from the ashes. Sachin is meant to be an extremely successful, extremely boring cricketer to watch.
Him-Woah! You are on fire! Its okay, chill. Kolkata has lost again. Probably you should choose a different team. Will get to hear your laughter a little more often then.
Her-*Sigh* Lets just go to sleep. Am tired.
Him-Darn it! Cricket does this everytime! You end up fighting with me because of your stupid Dada!
Her-Hey! Am not fighting! And if you have noticed how these conversations go, then why not be careful next time on?
Him-You know what? Talking tomorrow is a good idea. You take care.
Her-Goodnight.

There are some places in your being where only you are allowed to be. Nobody, not even your beloved, can make an entry there. And because of the same reason, its better to go quiet sometimes. Because you cant explain. Because you cant reason. Because, you feel you are not being understood and you never will be. Because, on the other side of the fence, the other person is just as zapped. He is trying to figure you out just as much as you are trying to sort out that place in your system. And mostly, the ends don’t meet. Because mostly, the causes are not really worth fighting for.

But then, that is madness. What is great to you is silly to me. What is the world to me, is maybe a speck in the sand for you. Cant beat you, cant blame you.

That’s how life swings.

never mind

am terribly blah. cant beat my blahness. feel like havent slept in ages. and people at work are so lame, not all, not the ones who are my friends, but mostly. i am tired.

my close buddies who called off their wedding are now gettin married. and am not going. yes, i feel so burnt out and used that my heart is just not in it. so while everyone else will be going and be remembered as true friends for decades and decades to go, i, the only one who patiently heard them both out, even let myself be used in the process, have been left out and will always be scarred for not attending the wedding. it sucks totally.

but i cant attend it still. my heart is really not in it. even the reception, well, let me think. i have two days to go for that one.actually, wish i could just be socially immune for a while.planet earth sucks.except for dogs.

Chaos

She kept chanting to herself that day in the bathroom and washed her clothes vigorously. Yes, she could see it coming back but couldn't let it. It was not supposed to effect her that way again. She could fight it this time.

Too lame life had become, a job with a profile that made no sense, money that whooshed past every bloody month, a future that was chaotic, and relationships that threatened to become full fledged messy affairs if she didn’t pay notice. It was all too much..

A pack of noodles could help. Dressing up in her warm loose clothes that made her sing 'aal izz well' inside her heart, she went and put some water in a pan. Then she looked for a pen and a sheet of paper and started to scribble impatiently. Like if she stopped, the thoughts would jumble up and the words would come all together and become a line of unreadable gibberish that was becoming her life.

She put in the packet of spices into the boiling water and then retrieved it, half burning her fingers. This would be alright. Everything would be. She just needed work, some work, any work. She cracked the egg and poured it into the pan and randomly stirred it with a spoon. Not the kind of noodles her mom would approve of. But the kind she would have anyway.

The aroma brought back some sanity. She knew what was to be done. She just didn’t know how long it would take till some support came by. A signal, that yes, she was going the right way. She was walking a path that had a single broken, faded milestone and she had to bend down on both knees and scratch the surface to know how much more she had to walk to reach where she was headed.

Ten years back, she had dreams. When she would hit this age, she would be 'here'. And now, that 'here' seemed nowhere in sight. What was there, was a lot of things she hadn't foreseen.

Putting the noodles in a plate, she took a mouthful and burnt her tongue immediately. Like a sign from someone powerful up there, a sign that read 'take it slow or you'll burn down'.

Slow.Easy.Gradual. Things that never came naturally to her. A character attribute she had to build and was nowhere close to have achieved. And till she attained those virtues, everything about life was about lessons, it seemed.

To learn what love is, have a heartbreak first.
To know money, don’t have it at first.
To know what character is, lose it on your way to true love first.
To know sacred friendship of those few dear ones, fail a hundred times first.
To know what success is, slug it out first.
Lessons.
Life is a bitch.

She felt full after all the noodle eating and felt calmer.

Maybe food was the answer to everything.

Also love?

She went into the shower the first thing. A hot, hot bath would do her good, yes. As soon as the slightly steaming water touched her tense shoulders, she relaxed. Almost loosened up. It couldn’t be that bad, she started to tell herself. So he was being unreasonable. He wasn’t liking her hanging out with so many of her guy friends, especially one of them, and that made her angry. It was fine really, weren’t they engaged? Was he really supposed to be upset?

No, he wasn’t upset, he was just being very monosyllablic about it. Yes, okay, you could do that, or you could just laze at home…were his exact words..

Why? Why should she laze at home? She had a tough week, fighting it out with mad bosses, shitty deadlines and work, well, never mind the work. Out of all this, which part was entertainment? And why couldn’t it be the way she wanted it to be..a stroll, a drive, a smoke, a movie, thoughtful conversations with a friend, all this was fine…should have been fine..to him as well..why was he being difficult?

The water made her sleepy, her bones were definitely tired. She wondered how undone would she be by her forties…sigh..

Drying herself and wearing her sweats and a jacket, she decided to call him up and ask anyway. But the phone beeped before she could reach it. The message read, ‘shona je t’aime’


And she was undone again. It wasn’t fair. Suddenly she forgot her resolve. Maybe she was being unreasonable as well. He lived far away and the fact that she was making new friends obviously unsettled him. So she could take it easy. Atleast for him.
Sigh. Of all things in the world, it was love that startled her the most. And beckoned to her the most.

She curled up in her blanket and began a long and warm conversation with him...

Sab chalta hai!

Since morning, I was low as both he and baba had trains to catch. While his train was on schedule, baba’s kept getting late and soon, the delay got hilarious. It became 1am at night. Anyway, first Anjali came and we spent a lovely hour making fun of weird facebook albums of even weirder people. Soon she left and Mr.Forever came. He knew both my people were gone and hence decided to drop in for some ‘adda’. I had nothing to share so asked him to watch ‘How I met your mother’ with me. Gave him a little background ( though he would even watch astha tv with me) first.

Unfortunately for me, we watched the episode where all the characters discuss how they lost their virginities. So here I was, stunned into silence, watching all these American people doing it with enthu on a computer screen with my biggest admirer next to me. Sigh.

Soon, another friend dropped by. This friend recently called off her wedding with her boyfriend of ten years. It is a sad situation since then and we friends don’t know who to blame, it just gets nastier, the name calling etc. I was quiet and realized she had something to say and so smsed Mr.Forever ‘she has come to talk about the split. Wont say it with u around. Would u leave?’ the guy read it and yet stayed for tea and then left. I swear I could kill him.

Later, my girlfriend began with asking me how her ex was doing. I told her that his family was now looking for a girl to get him married asap, as they had been ruffled enough. She said she would probably die if that happened. (Funny, as she had called it off in the first place.) Then she went on to tell me how very unfair he had gotten in the end, and a little tear trickled from one of her eyes. I was a little taken by surprise as I associate the single-trickling-tear a sign of art cinema. I was impressed.

Then she went on to say how she would always hate him for making such a mess of the whole thing. I wondered if the poor guy going to a shrink to recover from the crisis wasn’t sad enough.

Another friend joined in. This smart ass is always copying his cooler friends. Being invited by two of his girlfriends to get suttas was an honor for him. So he got us some suttas and together, we stood in the super chilly verandah discussing life. He is soon going to New Zealand to study, and he urged our friend to also join him if she wanted to get out of the whole circuit for a couple of years. She said she was already in talks with a visa agency and was wondering about the course, when he said, ‘sab chalta hai! In new Zealand, you can go to study anything.’ I was shocked. This is what education had come to. One was using it to just go abroad and hit on poor firangi girls who didn’t know what they were going to be hit by, while the other simply wanted to escape. It saddened me a bit.

My girlfriend also kept talking to someone on the phone in a very soft voice that made us joke that after the whole fiasco, she should just become a serial dater. She laughed and joined in. I couldn’t understand how could someone be so okay with all that had happened just a little while back?

Were people taking things for granted or was I going too deep into the heart of things? One discussed education like it was a bloody tool to get to other things, while the other’s reaction towards her ten year old relationship moved from regret to excitement about the coming future with just a cigarette and a single tear.

Human beings confuse me.

Birthday Blues!

It was his birthday and I decided to go a little out of my way. Only a little. There are reasons to that. Mainly because its long distance and there is a big chance things might lose their way in between. And secondly, he is a guy, and only these many things appeal to him, my options were less. So I did what I did best. I wrote him a letter. A brilliant hand written one. I told him he is perfect (overdid that part) and how things are totally different from what you expect them to be mostly. Like when I found him. Never had thought a vegetarian Jain boy with a very religious family fit into my scheme of things. And they somehow do, and very happily so. I astonish myself when I catch myself thinking fondly of the trip to his place, with all the love from his family, all the movie watching, greeting relatives, even wearing sarees! Phew! And it just fits. Wow!

I also took out a very old card I had bought from Hallmark, almost a decade back. Those were the days when I was a loner, mostly growing up and getting to know the world on my own. Had seen a card with a wrinkled newspaper with a crossword on its front that said ‘A friend is someone who is with you in your ups, downs and across!’ had absolutely loved the old charm it had and ever since, kept waiting to give it to someone. No one really fit the bill. But then he did and I wrote his name on the card and put it with the letter.

Next I went looking for a gift, in the more conventional way. Shirts, perfumes and I was done. I am trying really hard but I just cant get to like shopping. It bugs me and there are too many expectations! Why is silk in and khadi out? Why are baggy clothes never in? what is wrong with a big dial watch for me? I will never have the wisdom fashionable girls have, I guess.

Anyway, coming back to the gift hunting, I headed to Om book shop like it was my second nature and looked over books. Got my final Twilight book and then rummaged some more. I know he likes biographies, especially of really successful people, he read the speech of the Apple guy like a few fifty times and looked as inspired as a fresh orange does. And at the biography section, I saw a smiling Obama from the book called ‘Dreams of My Father’. Bingo!
Now that was my story.



He got the gift three days late, thanks to the fog and the sleet and ofcourse the distance. And once he opened it, he rejoiced. And umm, that’s all. On the phone he went, ‘Wow! Thanks so much, it was a beautiful thing to do. I promise I will read it. It reached today though…hehehe..really, I had no idea…you are too cute, you know I don’t read much and I think you will make sure I become a reader like you! Thanks!!’

Now, I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this. I mean some of it, I wanted to hear, but I am kind of unsure. I thought he will be surprised, and he was. But it was like he was very happy only, like it was a sort of a thing that was obvious to him, almost expected from me. Surprise wasn’t it. Since when did I get so predictable?

I hate waiting another year.