doesnt fit in. anymore.

the wait

She waited outside the coffee shop for fifteen minutes, already regretting her decision to have come. She was cursing herself for the care she had taken to look nice today. A crisp mauve shirt with jeans. Her hair fell straight and silky. She had lined her eyes with kohl just the way he loved them. Used to love them. Well, she didn’t know anymore.

Clutching her bag, feeling downright stupid, humiliation now took over her being. He had changed his mind after asking her to come. He had always known that he wouldn’t come. He had done this just for a kick. That stung. Of all things, it shouldn’t be the last logic, she prayed to God silently.

After half an hour, a car came towards the parking lot next to her and parked itself. She looked towards it, not really expecting him. She just wanted to look and pretend busy for the ultimate five minutes which she had given herself.

It was him. He hadnt changed except for the fact that he had gained a little weight and looked like life had happened to him. The usual. Work pressure, family, money and the jazz. They take over the best of faces. They had claimed him too.

He didn’t smile, but walked with an expression she didn’t quite understand. It had been years, she realised. She suddenly thought of how she must be looking and immediately straightened up and smiled just a little. Together, they entered the shop without a word.

I was about to leave you know. Thought you werent coming.

Actually, I almost wasn’t. just couldn’t make myself come. Realised things weren’t as settled as I thought they were within.

Oh, you should have just messaged then. I would have understood.

You would? Since when have you started understanding what I feel?

Wow, rubbing it even now? How do you manage to?

You know, today when I was coming to meet you, she asked me where I was headed. I just couldn’t think of anything to say.

So, what did you say?

Meeting a friend. She believed me. I know it isn’t very far from the truth now, but still.

Yes, I don’t think we are friends. But we are connected. Still.

Don’t say that. I don’t want to be.

But I do. I like it. Somewhere within, we are still back there somewhere.

He looked deeply into her eyes and suddenly turned away.

You know what, lets go. I will drop you somewhere. I thought I was ready for this. But I am not. Call me a weak person again if you like.

Hey, please don't say that. And you are right. I will go myself, no worries. You take care.

Hmmm, you too. He got up first and headed to his car.

She kept sitting, blowing into the steam of her black coffee. Maybe he had felt the exact same way she had, like a rush from back then. Maybe he couldn’t bear to sit here with her anymore. Or maybe, he still loved her kohl lined eyes.

the need

Was told by a friend that he needs to find love again. I felt for him and at once, thought for myself. Was it the same for me too? Couldnt think of anything to say but just that "You need to start. Start with a stranger even. Just begin." He didnt want to believe it. I insisted, half knowing if that was what was needed. At night, he smsed saying, 'Opened up to a colleague, saw her for what she was, a pretty nice girl, we even made plans for coffee. Seems she was equally lonely at the workplace." Maybe, just maybe, love can be found. Just look anywhere, its the easiest to find and the most difficult to have. But its always there. Belonging to different people sometimes, an excess for you at times, in the form of your beloved pet most of the times, but life is just brimming with love. I am glad he asked me about his need to find love again. Because I feel I found mine again.

the laughing heart

your life is your life, don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission. be on the watch. there are ways out. there is a light somewhere. it may not be much light but, it beats the darkness. be on the watch. the gods will offer you chances. know them. take them. you can’t beat death but, you can beat death in life, sometimes. and the more often you learn to do it, the more light there will be. your life is your life. know it while you have it. you are marvelous, the gods wait to delight in you. -Charles Bukowski

Everyone is okay really.

I dont expect you to understand a single word I say. I dont because I know every person is selfish. Every person wants the best for himself, even at the cost of what is important. It is ok if you dont think about me when protecting your interests.

I am ok if you pretend to not be able to hear me. I know you can hear me, and I know you understand. Its just that saying it loud will hurt you. So you let me be.
I forgive you.

I dont need to sleep with someone, I just need to sleep.

saying goodbye the right way-1

God the tears are flowing freely. i cant tell you what this means to me. it means probably more than anything right now. my best friends are giving me farewell parties, i dont know what to acknowledge and what to cry about. i wish things were simple. i wish it was easy to forget. i wish the tears weren't so natural. and then, to remind myself that i had decided to be a shuturmurg. an ostrich that doesn't see what lies ahead. an ostrich that buries her head in the midst of an aandhi. the one who pretends aal iz well.

i am that ostrich. or at least i had wanted to be that ostrich. the feeling is strongly being overtaken by the same old me that cries, laughs and sometimes does both at the same time. its a shit feeling, trust you me. you can have a heartbreak, you can feel rejected, but leave your comfort zone and we will see how you take that. momma, poppa and the friends i made in these 26 years, the fear is, the void is easily filled. that is the fear.

i dont wanna sulk, i dont wanna cry but i am a helpless guy.
i am the human you see on the street. the one that cries and gets up on his feet.
the one that laughs and hugs a ton, the one that pretends all is well and then makes a run.
i am your ordinary man who cant take a goodbye. i am that miserable kid who fails and asks why.
i am the girl who will be what you please,
i am the one who will always need a lease.

this could have been easy, no?

26 is a number and i love maths

i sing a little prayer for me. to the best of life and to manage the worst. food, love, dogs, friends, you and me..26 *deep breath* is a number. its the number 8, it has to be the best.
you didn't just arrive, you are here to stay.
Happy Birthday!

Green means 'go' for the 'red'

so Didi won, and its a great feeling. to all those who really didnt want her at the helm, too bad. The lady has enough degrees to prove her worth, and her cotton sarees and loud voice cant be a justification of hating her. not when the so called bhodrolok is doing zilch for the state. and only a few of them are educated, rest are, umm, biman bose. irestmycase.

what stuns me is the support i see for the CPM party in the somewhat younger generation. people who have left the city, are doing well here, and are supporting the party back there anyway. the only logic being they cant support the uncouth Didi. i dont understand their mind or how it works or how they can be soo cynical, esp when they have nothing to show for their liking the old horses. but, i forgive them thinking they are the same people who live in delhi and badmouth it anyway. taam.

for me, what is real is that how 35 years back, a man came out of the city he was born in, the city he played football in, the city he called home. the same city where he decided to become a revolutionary, and the city that shunned him for it. of how he had to leave the city because the ruling party that taught story book communism, did actually not practise it. and what he believed in became what he was punished for.

it is the only real thing i know. the struggle, the nostalgia, the wanting to be back home but not being able to, to watch the city of joy become a tattered dream of yesterday, to live a frustrated life, to see your principles and political ethics cheat you in your very face, and to leave. all this for that one devil.

its good to win, it was time. anti people can wait and watch to throw the brickbrats. but, its a new dawn and one must hope.

where's that grip?

fact is, one shouldn't care. it shouldn't hurt this much. the mind should not stop at odd hours like that. getting all numb in the middle of a busy street is very inconvenient.

one must put the mask on at all times. you let go just that once, and your show is over.

pretty up girl. dazzle that stupid crowd.

diving head first

have never failed in class. have got very near to that in chemistry in class 11th though. have never been a back bencher, education wise. friends wise, have only had back benchers during a typically laid back phase..realised they are better friends than the studious ones..

anyway, am drifting. the point is, today i feel like i have failed in class, like i am the lowest scorer in a freaking class of 100..

not a good feeling. a feeling i want to shrug off..
deep breathe.

solitude

this day, unlike most days, is a fine day. a day spent on the things loved most. found my old self in old letters, old greeting cards, promises unkept by you and me, love that was to be forever..a day of connection.

But a very lonely day. cant complain. asked for it. have let everything go wrong that can possibly go wrong. and now, there is so much to be done, yet again.

ah well, tomorrow is another day.

April Showers this isn't happiness.™

April Showers   this isn't happiness.™

Life, as of now.

moonwalking

Ek ajeeb sa friday pana chhaya hua hai aj..jaise ki week ne khatam hona ka decision akele hi le liya ho..

At work after a very tiring and satisfying yesterday, I realised I can actually stay 24 hours without sleep. When I went to sleep at 5 in the morning today, I smiled thinking I could stay up a little more.

In the Metro, standing throughout, I even managed to nap a little.Amazing how human beings can make the most of something if they only try a bit.

At work, people thing am still not sober, but that is not true, I am just a little giddy with joy. I am shamelessly smiling for something that I didn't even do. Success is a sweet thing.

You could keep me on the streets today, and I wouldn't mind,
You could call me a tramp today, and I wouldn't mind..
Because the victory comes at a price, and no boy,
a little pain, a little toil, I don't mind..
Just be sure I don't start enjoying this misery,
It intoxicates me so..

Jeetega bhai jeetega

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
The semi final is day after and I still haven't found a way out of that thing called work. Madness cannot be repeated in two consecutive weeks I am told. The ticket shall rot while I attend work on Wednesday. But no, I cant let this dominate me. Must.find.a.way.out.

Last week, it just happened. It fell in place like the pieces in a puzzle. The great game of cricket. It makes you do things. Never before have I been so grateful about striking a connection with the state of Gujarat. The stadium which has far too many memories became the place of yet another great memory. I watched my first game of cricket where my own team played. And my bachpan ka favourite team played. Yes I know that isn't loyalty but back then when Baba had explained cricket to me, he had asked me to choose the team I liked the most. And I had chosen Australia. So no matter what, it was an amazing feeling to see both these teams from such close quarters.

I saw Saurav Ganguly, like right there on the field, doing the pitch report. Sigh! The walking till the stadium, the choosing seats with best view (so what if there was pigeon crap all over the seats) the lack of a mobile phone, was all worth it! I felt like I was in a trance and to imagine that it continued for a straight 12 hours almost. Tendulkar came in wearing his signature hat to practise while rest of the Indian cricketers strolled about, talking to each other in huddles. The Aussies were way more professional. Each guy took a spot and started to practise their game, without any idle chatter. Now, right there, we have a thing to learn from them.

Soon the match started and I realised I just HAD to scream with the crowd. So I screamed Ganpati Bappa Moriya everytime Tendulkar came too close to our pavilion while fielding, screamed Jeetega bhai jeetega India jeetega at almost all hours of the game and did Mexican waves with the junta. The most effective one was 'Aussies you suck'. It started everytime they asked for a review, hit a four or a six and later on when they took wickets. It just worked like a dream. We could see them become all nerves. India got so much support, it almost seemed unfair at a point. But then Brett Lee hit one bodyline after another and that too to Tendulkar! There was sledging as well. So I decided to stop feeling like a Gemini and just go full throttle for my country.

Ofcourse a few things upset him. Like that empty bottle of water I kept clutching onto from 12 in the afternoon. From that half eaten patty that I kept in between our seats. Like my non stop abusing. He said there were friends and family who knew us and I couldn't be so vocal about my thoughts about Watson and Johnson. I said just tell them am a frikkin Delhiite. So yeah, there were bursts of fights in between. But it was all for the larger good. No?

When Yuvi got all nervous and got Gauti run out, I sort of peed in my pants. Yes, I was scared. And I am that very easily when it's about cricket. So I started my final trump card. The praying and the JBLing. I did not get up after the next chaukka and they sent another one to the boundary. That is when I realised I couldn't jump off my seat any longer. I sat throughout the last 40 minutes and prayed myself hoarse. When 4 runs were left, he asked me to get up and dance anyway. And I stood, Yuvi hit a four, he dashed to the ground in exhilaration, I danced the victory dance and gave gaaliya to the dozen, all simultaneously. He scooped me out of the stadium soon after. My friend K said He should get a reward for having chosen me of all the women out there in the world. Basically they teamed up against me once the game was won. I let them act like stupid boys cos I was on seventh heaven anyway.

The lies, the bunking, the surprise, the money, the sweat, the pigeon poop, the lack of food, the no connectivity, the fear, the elation. The success.

And ofcourse, being called lucky. Just epic.

not cool

Today, I appealed to someone's darker side, and I now feel horrible about it.

I have always had a thing for speed, races etc, and today, my huge office cab (Xylo) was speeding its way to work. An Esteem or a Honda City (I think) came and tried to take our lane on the extreme right of the road. As a result of which, we had to put our brakes a little. The car went ahead after that.

I just smiled and suggested to our driver that maybe we should go scare him a little. Now, my driver is already a Jat and a very rash driver. He leapt onto my wicked suggestion and sped ahead. When he came close to that fated car, for a second or three, he went so close that we felt he would bump it to say the least. The guy who was inside the car was smoking and chilling in general and he suddenly realised what was happening and lost his nerves. He looked scared and didn't look like he could give the right responses. Our driver moved away in a few seconds, leaving the car on its own to come back on track. Luckily, there were no other cars in the vicinity so nothing major happened except the guy losing it.

Our driver looked at me from the mirror and smiled. I don't know why but I felt completely responsible for it.It was like I let him do something evil and actually egged him to do it, lured him. Felt shitty once the streak in me started to fade.

I blame Black Swan for this.

Miss-adventures after another

The past three days have made me feel like I am living out of my body and watching it. An evening back, I took a local bus at around 11 after heroically stopping it by coming in front of it in an Alto. The driver looked like he wanted to crush my friend’s car when I came out of it and asked him to open the bus doors for me. He smiled and joked ‘aur mai soch raha tha yeh ladkiya pagal ho gayi kya?’ Once inside, I saw twenty odd men staring back at me. Construction workers, hotel waiters and and just one tiny man who wore glasses and had an English novel on his lap. I knew my impulsive decision could be very pricey thereafter. I put on my distressed girl act and went and sat next to the conductor, and often gave the novel guy half smiles, as if to tell him ‘we are similar, no?’ I don’t think he got my sense of security or sanity. I updated my status on facebook and realized none of my friends would be cool with what I had done once I updated it. Too late. Buddies started calling and bashing me for being THIS adventurous in Delhi.

That was then. Yesterday was worse. Working for a huge event at work, I was told by my news editor to help them with all the sessions for the Conclave. Just as my luck always is, I got Kashmir and Sarah Palin amongst my share of the sessions. Dealing with the maximum number of questions that came in, I struggled with the amazing English grammar of a million people of our country. It was a journey against time as we had none on our side.

Being from lifestyle, it was refreshing to see how the news editor trusted us with our language skills and not his own team. It was a savoury thought but for the fact that I didn’t have the time to enjoy it. The day turned into night and my buddy whose birthday it was kept calling to see if I had left for her party yet. Sadly, I said no each time she did, till it was 10:30pm. Finally a jalopy came to drop me home, as no party waited that long. Friends called up and made fun, I joined along. When your life is a joke, its best to join the laughter.

Early morning today, 5:45am, I get up and get ready for an early day at work. The Conclave starts today at 9am so every hand on desk by 8. I came out of the washroom to hear my phone buzzing madly. Colleague informed cabs wouldn’t be coming due to transporter rift and that we would have to fend for ourselves. Called up the sardarji taxi service guy and he greeted me with a loud ‘satsri aakal ji’. Yes. Told him the route to which he told me there would be two taxes and two tolls and the sum would be pretty huge if I agreed. When I asked questions in between, he kept saying, ‘aap samjh nahi rahe ji’. It was extremely pissing off to keep being told that THAT early in the morning.

Once in the cab with my other two seniors, I realized what a wasted life this was. Here were two older people, just as wasted. In five years, I would be them. Shuddered. The news editor said I should pay and take the reimbursement from the office. I was stunned at his lack of responsibility. The other guy, the Crab I mentioned once before started bitching in Bengali to me. I felt more at home.

Reached office and seeing more such disgruntled faces, made me feel better. Like I wasn’t alone. Switched on my computer and realized it was not working. Called Ram, the IT guy and told him, ‘Sirf wallpaper dikh raha hai boss, dekh ke jao.’ To which he came, looked at my screen and said, ‘Haan, acha wallpaper hai.’

That was when I laughed my ass off. Yes, I and my office had finally snapped due to overwork and had officially lost it.

Let the madness begin.

Spending the weekend, the right way.

Having a super tough time in life. But no, I shall not crib. Will talk about other things. Like how I watched the match with the girls in the pub and cheered, and how I went to the first marriage anniversary of a dear duo and realised, how distant in my head I have become. And how maal, mod and getting wasted is becoming a thing I am starting to question. And most importantly, how I watched some awesome movies, The Kids Are All Right, The King’s Speech and Taken.

The Kids Are.. is a fresh film on a lesbian couple and their kids. Kids, they have had by sharing the sperm of the same donor; and how that sperm donor comes into their life 18 years later, becoming a lot of things to a lot of people within the family. Almost a father to the daughter, a lover to the feminine lesbian (the girl in the relationship, that is) a smart dude to look upto for the son and a certain threat to the guy/father/ masculine partner in the lesbian duo. The performances are so beautifully fresh, one would be at a loss to miss this amazingly unique story.

My favourite scene is when Julianne Moore starts sleeping with Mark Ruffalo and realises she is very much a bisexual. ‘I am a lesbian having a mid life crisis,” is how she puts her predicament in words. Just hilarious.

The King’s Speech is, ofcourse an Oscar winner and rightly so. Colin Firth has nailed the Brit act way back, when he became Mr.Darcy.but he has outdone my expectations of him. As Nandu puts it, Hollywood has just too much talent. Sppech impediment is something I will never understand, having been tagged talkative in almost all circles. But it is traumatic and hugely so when a king deals with it. The teacher (Jeff Bridges) is already a legend, but somehow, he keeps getting better. I want to be like him in my career. Like old wine ;) and did I mention I have the hugest crush on Helena Bonham Carter? Yes, for the longest time now. Awesomeness.

Taken is an old movie, starring kick ass Liam Neeson. Asked him to switch it on and watch it with me, to my surprise, he sounded worried. After Legion and Underworld, he has grown wary of how my tastes have changed at such short notice. Told him I plan to not be cliched with what I do anymore, he was even more worried. He said it was better when I was chicken about these things. Lol.

So Neeson is this amazing dad who is a former CIA paramilitary officer who has extremely unique set of skills when it comes to dealing with criminals. He also has a daughter and an estranged wife who couldn’t take his profession well. He is crazy about his daughter and goes to ultimate lengths when she is kidnapped by slave traders in France. The dirt of the world just frightens me sometimes and adventurism just becomes a little too much hype than what it really is.

Okay, must finish fourth and last movie of the weekend, The Fighter, before Monday and cervicle dawns on me. Yet again.

Khub douracho

I had decided I will write plenty today. But I am strangely missing my train of thought right now. Absolutely don’t remember what it was I wanted to talk about.
Basically, more than a month has passed and I am hardly there. I know big plans await me (it’s a belief, its not based on facts) but I seem to have slowed down. More and more people have started counting on me, I feel they consider me as an adult now. Gulp.

Cousin T has changed boyfriends in a matter of a month and she expects me (out of the entire family) to understand. I, ofcourse understand how this heart works and how soon it changes it mind. Her ex was a workaholic and the new one is way more interesting, I think the young one needs a little fun right now, not stability from a professionally successful guy. I am with her on this, and am trying my best to be a cool Dee, so that the kiddo has atleast one person to confide in. You don’t need the teenagers to go completely quite these days, no?

The colleague with whom I go to work in the mornings lately isn’t a friend yet and I don’t think I will make him one. He is a strange mix of no-nonsense and yet funny. He is a tough taskmaster at work and people are a little wary of him. Hasn’t got married and don’t think he will. But in those 40 minutes, he shares. Tells me to rest, take a sabbatical and heal myself. He also lets me know what he feels about the traffic, the plastic munching cows and dogs, doctors and even his frustration at his work and seniors. So I understand this crab and yet not. I am still trying to.

On another note, was told by Him that everybody keeps asking for me and apparently, I am a hit amongst his friends. Well, if I had to deduce how I managed to score that much, I would say am a natural (not modest I know) and it doesn’t take much, I am easy on the eyes for most.

Mom has become a friend. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that our time is measured, or because things in the family are ever changing and this is the current wave. But nowadays, I explore the city with her. It keeps her happy and makes her feel I have time for her in between my very butterfly like social life.

The physio lady tells me the other day, “Khub douracho, tai eto koshto pacho. But thamleo je tumi khushi hobena. Ki je chao..”

Even I couldn’t have summed it so perfectly.

profoundity in unusual quarters

Half the story of love is the discovery of it as you put it behind you. And with that discovery comes the knowledge that your own journey is still incomplete. The maps have changed, the continents have shifted and the horizons are not the ones you remember. However, the road it still open and there is much to see, but only if you have the courage to see that the first step is always a departure.
-the storyteller's tale

A buddy read the book and found this brilliant life-altering quote. It has stayed on and I need to keep coming back to this from time to time in life..

atonement

It rains from deep in the night till morning, there is a silence within, life feels abrupt. Almost like art cinema, feel the tug at the seams nowadays. Everything is a blur, I multi-task and nothing makes sense. Dont remember the last time I was out the whole day, not looking at my watch, not worrying about getting back home, not thinking about getting better or sick, not thinking how he or she would take it if I could make it or could not.

This week, it is. Closure, there is none. But thats okay, life has never been clinical as far as matters of the heart are concerned.

I will survive, am almost happy. Hope its the same for you.

Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.
-Dirty Dancing

Udaan

Watched an amazing movie today, Udaan. I had partly watched it before but today, I watched it completely and maybe its the slightly cloudy weather outside and inside the film, but it has really made me all stirred up within.

You know how it feels when someone asks you what you want to do with your life? At 25, I get that a lot less now. I guess it has also got to do with my relationship status, I am supposedly at a very stable state of affairs. But I have never felt this confused in my entire life. Not only do I keep wondering 'where to' from here, I also wonder if I have already lost my dreams somewhere in the middle.

I must confess, I havent been a big dreamer ever. I have always been a confident kid and maybe because of that, I have felt the world is my oyster. So when as a kid, my friends would say they wanted to become an engineer (and they also became one) a doctor or a teacher, I would say I want to be a bus conductor because a)people trust him with the money, b) the money makes for a nice sound, clinking in the conductor's bag and c)we travel all day and meet new people.

Yes, that was foolish then and even now, I cant imagine how low on aspirations I was. Or maybe, I was on the right track. I still believe that those things are more important to me than fancy degrees. I know I have got one but still, feeling trusted, with some money in my pocket and getting to explore, that would be it. Even today.

How much of a right thing is it to pursue a dream seen by others for you? If I had a father like that, I'd be doing drugs by now. Yes, submitting to authority has never been a strong point and while watching the movie, the strong dislike for the same kept coming up so often. There were moments when I cried as I could not bear the heaviness of the situation or the pain of the protagonist. It made me want to get up and do something about it.

What also kept touching a chord was the small town feel of the movie. I have always said this, I am a wrong person to have been born and brought up in the capital. I havent really understood the very many flashy concepts of being a part of this world, and have been a popular misfit all my life. It has worked for me yes, but I have found my best mates in small towners and have felt at home with them.

There is something about the absence-of-options-and-varieties in a small town that makes you a very basic, real sort of a person. What you see is what you get, it is a relief to be around such people. I sometimes feel that could border on drab but mostly, the pace and the peace appeals to me hugely. Will never settle down in one, my ways are too spoilt for them, but when I see something like that, I sigh. Dont know why.

I have always yearned a brother, and at this point in life, it is safe to say I wont find one. No logic to that, I just know it. The bond between the two brothers was just so beautiful that it made me sad. The fact that they werent related by blood just went on to make one point very clear to me, life is all about love and you find it in the most unlikeliest of places. But when you do, just embrace it without thinking. You may get hurt later, but who cares for later when you experience something so strong in the now.

Have been spending some time with myself, have been very retrospective for a while now, maybe it has got to do with my current state and also, like I said in the beginning, how I am at crossroads in life, yet again. And while people think I have never been this settled, inside of me, I know for a fact how very unsettled I am. So many aspirations, and so many uncertainties.

And at a time like this, comes Udaan. Wanna fly away too..

Pairon ki bediyan khwabon ko baandhe nahi re, kabhi nahi re..
Kahani khatam hai ya shuruwaat hone ko hai,
Subah nayi hai yeh ya phir raat hone ko hai..

dirty fellow

We were on a funny topic the other day, about our quirks. When I said I absolutely love the way the insides of my pet's ears smell, the conversation pretty much went downhill from there. I wanted some sort of a confirmation so I asked Ma, and she stared at me and said I am 'going to the dogs'! Well, quite literally.

Yes I do love that doggy smell, I look for it when am back home from work, and I hope it stays on my sweater when am out. I feel heavenly in that dogginess. It makes me feel like my favourite person, a blanket, some hot chocolate and You've got mail on the telly, all put together in a moment. I live for that moment you know. It defines perfection, and while I achieve it sometimes, one of the four elements is almost always missing. So it hasn't been perfect yet. Only in my head.

So the doggy smell (in want of a better term) is what makes me feel, well, umm, truly Mrinalini.

Afterthought-No I am not crazy yet.

dark in here.

the tea got cold, didn't want to have it. was very troubled. no, no reason except the inner demon. it claws its way to the fore time and again.

making plans to shift my belongings from the right side to the left side of my brain. the right is overburdened i have been told.

the brain paints a grey colour, i force it back to a vivid pink and a happy blue. but it slowly melts back to a grey. i hate the grey, everyone is grey. everyone is the same. fighting the same morbid realities, unique for others, the same in reality.

the bike hit a thud in front of the gate and i went to see. just a man, troubled with his machine. just like me.

getting younger

He looked up at her at times while reading the story. It was his favourite and he had read it a hundred times, just to be perfect when he had to read it out to her.

"Bah humbug!" said Scrooge.
What do you understand from this line? That he really was a very khadoos man, not lovable at all, she explained.

He nodded and smiled at her funny translations and explanations. There was something that was so cute about her. Dressed in her pink pyajamas and a big blue sweater (maybe her dad's) her glasses would keep sliding low every other minute. The best thing about her was her smile. A big smile that warmed up his heart. He waited for this hour to come every week. And it went past him too soon.

He read a funny part and she explained again, with her quirky examples, and boy, she had many of those. It seemed her life was full of fun things she had done. Or maybe it was just another life told extraordinarily. The way she said it, it made him want to be a part of her school, her college, her evenings.

Hey, if you get above 80, we will go out then! Have awesome burgers and then ice cream at Baskin Robbins, ok?
Is that a promise?
Ofcourse, and if you get 90...umm then..
Then will you watch a movie with me?
With you? I mean, are you allowed to? Ofcourse I will kiddo :)
Hey, no kiddo! and yes I am allowed. You have made a promise, ok? You cant back out now.
Hahahahah true, you are too tall to be a kiddo, you tower over me! But yeah, its a deal!
We will call it a date, ok?
She laughed loudly, as if scattering the whole room with these christmassy baubles. He couldnt stop staring at her, almost foolishly.
A date? Right! We will call it a date. Just dont let your mom know you took your teacher out on a date!

He smiled and looked down, realising it was weird and funny and well, he couldn't explain.

He felt love. Or was it a crush like his best friend told him.
"Buddhu, she is older to you, and your teacher! Think of Ishika, she really likes you man."
But Ishika was so dumb. She would smile during math tuition, and smile at everyone. What was so exclusive about that?

She was different. She was older, she loved him like a baby, and she gave him her full attention. She smiled at him and encouraged him about his after class 12th dreams unlike anyone else. She was what made his heart flutter.

Mom wont mind, but you have promised, so no saying No after i get a 90?
Ok I promise. And I am very happy for you already! A 90!

She stood at the door reminding him of the homework he had to finish, while he tied his laces and got up to leave. One last look at her and with a victorious grin, down the stairs he went.

If only the next Wednesday would come sooner. And that bloody 90.

brittle

Yes, everyday is becoming too much. Went to a new doctor for my wrist. He named it a different thing, I cant even spell it. And am too scared to wiki it for fear of knowing a little too much.

The clinic had something on a bulletin board called IOL. I kept thinking its LOL and laughed in my head. Imagine, after every big scientific treatment or disease, LOL was written. It was such a ridiculing thought. Like a sadistic joke.

So I realised my father embodies the Delhi spirit. He tells anyone who cares to listen about what I do, where I work and why I cant fall sick even for a day cos my company depends on me. Jesus! I begged him to stop at the doctor's, but he went on and on. I was embarrassed and the pain shot up. I told the doc I could take a few leaves with a lot of difficulty if he really wanted me to. He just hmmed and suggested more X-rays. Oh well.

Working with a bad hand makes me feel like am gonna die soon (No I wont cos I am a hypochondriac, never mind me) and well, life is keeping me very troubled as of now. So I listen to music and stay happy anyway.



This song totally cheered me up. And well, am roughly 5 feet tall, guess will manage :)

The sudden hurt ever so often.

He sipped his tea, the only thing he made an effort to make. It was hot water with his favorite flavored tea bag and a spoon of sugar. Nothing fancy and yet, it appealed to him just perfectly. The chill had just begun to go down, and he had promised himself that he would also try to be warmer.

He logged onto his profile and saw a few happy new years here and there and then that one post on his wall.

Happy New Year. Bless!

It was the exact same greeting, but for the fact, that it was from her.

She, of the past and yet of the present. She, who had no business wandering in his head, but yet, there she was, always. It was crazy how it made him hate and love the same thing so much. They had moved on, hadn't they? And all these greetings were a proof to that moving on. She would greet him during every festival and he would be moody about it. Sometimes, he would collectively answer 'thanks everyone' and sometimes, do nothing.

He was a little angry that she was keeping her end of the promise, even after years. If she could have just been a bitch, this would have been easier. He wished he knew what was playing in her head. And her heart. He wished it was him.

He replied to some of the posts and logged out. The junior came to him asking if he would like to dutch in for a colleague's birthday cake and he absent-mindedly handed her a big note. She smiled, he realised she took the money for what it was and it felt funny that he was now sponsoring the entire cake.

It was lonely, still. He had tried, moved on, made some conquests, made some classic moves (as his guy friends would tell him) and he had it all. Yet it hurt. Like a small pin that was stuck on the sole of his shoe, and every time he walked, it would prick. And he just couldn't remove the pin cos he couldn't find it. This pain was such, it was there but he didn't know how to correct it.

He had got some news. He had decided then that it was a point of no return (which was funny because it was he who had moved out in the end) and he would only be bitter, mechanical and stone cold about it from here on. And if he was lucky, maybe forget about it too. But no, he felt more human than ever. Betrayed and hurt, pathetic. Like the winters, life was also intent on sending the chill his way, keeping it sunless, keeping it miserable.

But the sun had peeped out a bit today. And the huge glass window in his cabin showed brilliantly on it. Maybe, the sun was around the corner and he didn't know it.

Ah well, confusion was better than disappointment.

heart to heart with self

Why am I still following Twilight so closely? I think its got something to do with the fact that Taylor Lautner made me discover sexual fantasies for the first time in life. Now I know what SRK meant when he said ‘kuch kuch hota hai Anjali, tum nahi samjhogi.’

Have been listening to too much music, its mainly a ploy of drowning the office talks behind me. I was asked to fill my KRA form yesterday, but I couldn’t care lesser. I have got the nickname of ‘Ms.Dreamy’ at work. I never thought yeh din bhi aayega. See what a stiff, professional set up can do to a jolly kid. The system has got to me, too bad.

Why do I still eat pizza? I hate it. I leave out the crust, eat up the toppings, so who am I kidding? And you know what I hate more? Pizzas gone cold. Ugh. Must.make.note.

Vodka, I have loved you all these years and the relationship has had its ‘highs’ and lows. However, its time to let go. I have discovered I like rum more. Its sweet and makes me warm faster than you do. So, this year, am not meeting you too often. That’s the best thing anyway when a relationship ends, eh. But we had a good time.

I shall be online less. A buddy realized that day she was talking to me more than we were seeing each other. Another friend asked me out for a movie and when I said its too cold, we both read reviews of the film online and never went for it anyway. I get asked for parties on fb events from people who stay in the next block. And there are surprises too. An old old admirer finds me on fb, talks to me in the inbox (not in public, mind you) and sends me congratulatory messages and calls me wise since the Café Red Brick days (I want to tell him no, I still smoke, I still hang out with boys and I still haven’t really become too wise but anyway) but but, when he sees me on the road, he does not talk! Hah! Too much of baggage I guess. I understand. I don’t necessarily relate.

So yeah, all this online business is making me a little cranky. Maybe I should be more ‘in person’ and less in pictures. Who knows? Time will tell if this I can do.

I have come out in the open about my hatred towards winters. Nah, no personal vendetta but I hate wearing 20 items of clothing. Its just uncomfortable. And to say nothing of what those caps do to my beautiful hair.

I will dream more. I know I cant tell my subconscious mind to dream more but I have to find a way. My friends keep telling me about all these dreams they see while I just chant to sleep or end up having a song in my head which I even wake up singing. This morning, I woke up saying to myself, ‘Time is essential.’ Wtf! Why am I getting up with spiritual lecture? I have to dream more, and not be so random.

Oh, and I hate that person. Am going for a movie today but I know I will be indifferent and even cold to that person because I cant fake it. Had said yes to the movie before I had realized its hatred I feel for that person, so now I cant back out of the movie. But yeah, will want to have no more of that person in my mind or life. Just saw through the utter hogwash now. Point to self again: Please be sensible sometimes. Remember, the book, the cover, the phrase along those lines?

I have been typing away this furiously for the first time in ages, I think its also because it makes me feel less colder. Well, the good movie with the stupid person awaits me. So does a bit of other things.

PS-Last year, this day, a lot happened. I feel stronger but lonelier a kid. I hope you are listening Didu. Love

Just keep swimming!

New year comes, my favourite time to be depressed. Ya, it’s the evening when I have at least five invitations and feel like going for none. It feels strange to be at one party and devoid your other friends of your presence. I feel like being at a hundred places and end up being at none. It’s a syndrome, I tell you. And for the past many years, I have vowed to get it right by feeling shamelessly happy for what life has given to me and what I have achieved, but every time, I end up moping. It’s the weather I guess.

So 2010 was kind, I had more than my share of love, I joined a new place that sort of realizes what to do with me. They make me work, and like I always say, you gotta know how to work me baby.

Personally, mum remained well and that is a high not even my favorite drink can give me. It is a different feeling when you see the pillars of your life stand erect, without having to beg for their wellness.

Have realized how fortunate I have been for the sister I have. Who would have thought that all that hair raising fights and stitches later, we would actually grow up ‘growing on’ each other, loving more with each passing day, even when the miles between us grow.

I have always believed that people who stay far are closer to you and your mind and heart. Too much of proximity spoils it for me. Space. That is the word we are looking for here.

Love has been a surprise to say the least. It has been a happy and a sad journey, happy for the dreams one sees and sad for well, the same reason. I, the utterly philosophical and deep person have realized maybe love does have a few flaws. And while I am all out for the concept of H.O.P.E, what I also know now, is that love is something that should just be wondered at, not figured. It takes time and energy, and you end up where you started from if you try too hard. It is like swimming, you have to let go to be able to do it.

Friendship. Aah. My favourite. I have been truly blessed in that regard. My friends take the eccentricities, the quirks and the lows in the same stride, bear me during my ‘high’ and foolish moments and laugh it off anyway. It’s bliss to be treated as a normal when you are clearly not. Thanks for humoring me.

Life, you are nice, and that makes me very curious. What do you have up your sleeve? Tell tell, don’t be shy :P I am a strong kid, so what if I have hit QLC and am also off market as some people put it (pun intended) I still have a lot to give and receive. And there is just soo much drama still left in me.

So, 2011, keep it interesting!