Happy 'Hope'y Year!

Its almost time for a brand new year. But I guess a little flashback is going to be good for the system.

A lot has happened some good, some very good and well, some just about the regular fare that life dishes out. My elder sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and I don’t think I can thank God enough. Also, my mom is getting steadily and slowly better from her illness and it’s a strange feeling to be able to hope again, for her I mean.

Amongst other happy things, ahem, a friend, after remaining a pretty single for 24 years has finally decided to give love a shot, and while she says its still not love, what she means is, she is going with the flow and is enjoying whatever it is. I, of course have predicted greater things…

Nandu left for UK and that was like a punch in the stomach. But trust Nandu to do things differently. There is a mail almost every week from her and the pretty lass even sent a beautiful postcard from Falmouth. It is impossible to outdo her in caring for someone. Miss her and somehow, don’t miss her at all.
Love wise, things were like a river, flowing just that much. Comfortable and a breeze. Mature I am getting, is it?
Traveled a lot and even left the country in one of my trips. Wowie!!

Time for one of those I-am-thankful and I-will-remember lists. Here goes:


•Awesome friends, I didn’t fight the whole year!
•Stepping into a more serious relationship than ever. The funniest part is, the more serious it is getting, the lighter am feeling.
•Eating to my heart’s delight, knowing the coming year maybe a very different one.
•Music, movies and theatre, I love them all.
•Traveling too much, may the streak never break.
•Things stopped hurting that much. Infact, I could even smile about some of them.
•The job still sucks, but am doing quite fine, thank you.
•MJ died, and Lisa Ray is sick. I remember spending umpteen afternoons dancing to Beat It and Afreen, couldn’t have enough of these guys. Sigh.
•Gucci and my fight for his survival. Almost like one of those dog-human movies, we beat the odds again and again. Couldn’t do it without a few people though. To them!
•Too much merry making + too much being yourself = trouble. Point noted.
•Exes make for difficult friends. Especially if they are still not over it. Point noted again.
•Twilight happened and I realized out of all the scary creatures, vampires manage to make my knees go weak. Though werewolves are my type. Period.
•Experiencing a long distance relationship. Comments reserved. All I will say, however, is that I am getting there.

So in a nutshell or a coconut shell, that was my life this year. Probably a more tame one since the last few years, but I aint complaining. Life should be wild, tame and all things nice. Here is to wishing that 2010 will be a joyride!

What's age gotta do with it?!

There was a time when I was super young. Like, really, literally young. If I ever fell in love with a sitcom actor (which I repeatedly did) I would imdb about him and wow I could see his date of birth and it was almost always four to seven years older than I was. And there on, I could dream about him. Happily.

Cut to now. Everytime I now try to imdb a new actor I like (for instance, the Twilight actors) they are always two to three years younger! And I lose my fantasy filled frenzy just like a glass of not-had Pepsi. The worst happened when this very cute actor I looked for turned out to be a 1992 born!!!! I mean, come on, who is born in the 90s?! sigh.

I have come to the conclusion that I will not imdb anymore. I didn’t realize at what point of time in life did I leave the cute cradle behind and became the cradle snatcher instead . Tcha!

A revelation

I have since long been looking at ways to be free. It has been a long long time now. Every year, I decide, now I am this many years old. Surely, I can be free now? Or atleast freer than what I am now? And well, the kind of freedom I ache for evades me.
Now is the time though. Suddenly, its not only at sight, its very very easy even. I can see the ways to be free. I have found not one, but two such glorious ways to be so, to be content in the ‘now’, to be able to realize the bigger picture, like one would say.
I am hoping I am not lazy in its wake. I am hoping I take the best of it and become very powerful in my reality, the master of moi thoughts. It seems just around the corner now. It feels too good to be true.
But then, unlike other times, it is really, actually, true.

Dil, sad titli

Feeling extremely melancholic. Its got nothing to do with affairs outside of myself, but something going on within. Have I said it enough times that I don’t like winters? Yes I am getting better at liking it and coping with it, but on days when it gets to me, I become really hopeless. People shouldn’t be such extremes. It seems like the end of the world on days like these.

The dark grey gloom that is everywhere in the sky absolutely kills the happy oxygen in my blood. Instead, something weird takes over. A longing, an unnamed thing which I want but don’t know how to get…Maybe I believe in tragedy too much. I believe in unrequited love and I totally believe that one is never the same after love has touched you.

Of course, there are different kinds of love. And you never love a different person in the same way. There is a new love, a new kind of emotion attached with a new person. But it is always different. And it’s a good thing that it is different, otherwise the comparisons would be too many to count and too difficult to overlook. It is a good thing that nothing is the same.

Everything is beautiful in its own special way. The love, the separation, the time alone, the tragedy that overwhelms you, the feeling of being on your own, and then the happiness. Each phase is beautiful, unique in itself. And it is good to know that books reflect you so totally sometimes. It makes you believe that somewhere in the world, each person is feeling one of these things, and imagining themselves to be the only one going through that. When I was lonely and sad, I thought I would die. And I thought the numbness would claim the whole of me. And now when I am happy, nothing really touches me, it’s a fleeting emotion, this everyday life. Things hurt on and off, but they don’t mess me up. But when am vulnerable, everything can attack, everything can hurt.

People around me have nothing to do with it. Not even things, situations, emotions. Its just something within, playing havoc.

Human spirit in all its glory!

A lot of good things have happened over the few months and I am smiling. However, with all the good things in life, also come the retrospective things. Those which remind you of who you are, of what things could be, of how one should be.

My didi had a baby this month and is staying with us. So it became important that my pet Gucci left for some other place for the time being. We couldn’t find many takers because Gucci isn’t keeping well and needs medicines twice a day. The kennels are freaking expensive, to say nothing of the fact that I will be shit worried keeping him with a bunch of strangers.

So yeah, after seeing our plight, our house help came to the rescue. She loves Gucci and volunteered to keep him for a few months at her own place. She lives in Govindpuri (theres a cool little jhuggi down there) and I asked her if I could come see him sometimes. She happily agreed.

Yesterday, I was told Gucci refused to eat twice and my alarm went off. In the evening I rushed with my maid to her place, only to be told that while she was at our place, she kept Gucci at her mamaji’s house, which was only two doors away. So we crept up in thin alleys, crossed open drains, walked over two cats’ tails due to the darkness and finally leapt up a steep set of stairs where she knocked on a small chipped green door. And Gucci’s barks bellowed from inside. After two minutes, a much hassled mamiji opened the door and the sight my eyes met with, is probably life changing.

The room was as big as a Maruti 800 car’s interiors. More than half of the room had a high wooden bed that had a lot of space under it. That is where they kept all their clothes, utensils, paper, odd objects etc. Next to the door was a small gas, and in one of the gas corners, Gucci’s leash was tied. On the bed sat a tall lanky boy and a tall girl, the kids of the family I am guessing.

It was amazing. There lived four people inside this mousehole. And they cared enough to take a dog with them! To feed him, to give him medicines, to take care of him the whole day. If Gucci went wild with happiness, he could rip that room apart in just five seconds. And yet, this family laughed, told me tales about what Gucci was upto lately and also made a sad face when I told them I will take him home by the end of the year.

I had gone to meet Gucci cursing my luck for keeping him apart, for having to entrust him on people who are, least said, not doing so well themselves. And if I may add, I was upset for having to keep him at my maid’s place.

But all that vanished when I left that place. I was instead overcome by how great the human spirit can be, if the heart is in the right place. I realized Gucci couldn’t have been more loved than this. A family low on rice and roti was sharing theirs with him. Ofcourse I gave some money to them for his weekly kharcha, but that didn’t add an ich to what they were doing for me in return.

I sort of sat in between, very close to everything that was on the floor including the kids who were now standing instead of being on the bed. I cuddled Gucci for a while and they looked very anxiously at me for a reaction. I only gave them grateful smiles. Because they deserved that. And God knows, so much more than that.

Gurgaon then.

Noida now.

:|

Feeling lonely amongst friends

More and more friends are getting married. The social scene is changing in a way I never thought possible even a year back. Weren’t we in high school just that day? I was putting nail polish and J scolded me. J who was my best friend and also the head girl, she always had to let me pass without any punishment for my wayward behavior and only because, we were buddies. Those younger kids in the bus, swooning over posters of Leonardo Di Caprio that they bought from Archies with their pocket money, how very naïve they seemed even then! When they bunked school one day even after boarding the bus, I decided school bunkers weren’t cool. And in a few years’ time, when I was in college, I bunked three classes every week to go watch a movie with my boyfriend. Sigh. So much for ‘never’.

In college, the chai under the big tree of my old college canteen was like a flight to intellectual freedom, the kinds that came as a natural to my course. We would discuss movies, projects, even the last episode of the OC over plastic cups of tea and a cigarette or two. Leaving for home late into the afternoon, I would go home and tell Ma how we had seven lectures that day! Lying was such a trend, sometimes to be out with him, on other days, to simply hang out with friends, lying was a natural way of being in college. And it never felt wrong. It only felt ‘cool’.

Soon work life happened. And I took to it as efficiently as I took to books once upon a time. The friends I met at work somehow echoed the similarities we had as today’s generation and they became more than just colleagues. First job, then a second, and today, while I am looking for a third, I realize more than half of my life has been changed and defined outside my home. My friends, (who could be from school, college or work) are now steadily getting hitched. Either they are heavily dating, or they are walking the aisle. It is strange. Not in a bad way, though. The coffee partner I had is now going to get married in a month and is so blissfully dreaming of her life here on that somehow I don’t fit in anymore. The others who are engaged also seem to be looking forward to it than most of the other things in their life.

That leaves me where? I want to spend some more careless evenings with them, I want to know if we will be friends forever, but the equations are changing innocently enough..We no more discuss boys (sigh) or our careers (atleast for sometime to come) and what we discuss is something that keeps my emotional quo just about empty. I am happy for my friends all around me, very much so. But has friendship taken a backseat? Or is it one of those things that change with time and you suddenly realize it after it hits you slowly but effectively?

To me, it matters. But hopefully time will cure me of this ache too.

Waiting for Durga pujo, Nirvana or something similar!

I have been back since two weeks now, and yet havent moved an inch in the blogosphere! Shady stuff! Well the thing is, I am working all day at work and at home, I just become blah. I have so much to say and write but in the end, I do neither. These amazing, life changing thoughts get choked midway somewhere. Sigh.

Durga Pujo is here and with every passing year, I am realising I am becoming one of those people out there. I even work on a shoshti and feel guilty taking an off on a shoptomi, and all this, being a true blue Bengali!!! What would be my blue blooded ancestors say?!I absolutely hate my corporate life, want to say nothing of the frustration levels that have risen to their max potential in the last few months, and am four vacations down, and yet, nirvana eludes me..

I dont think the plans I have for my future will help me achieve it either, they are very, what you call, normal. Get a better job, not fight much with my guy, look out for my folks, not fight much with my guy, look for a creative release beyond what I do, and then, I guess, settle down in some years. Nirvana, this?

Anyway, I wanted to drop in a word to say I will be trying to enjoy Durga Pujo for the next four days, and will definitely be writing frequently after that. Yes.

Till then, the little kid who never grew up inside my head says adios and plans to have a rocking pujo!

New Earth

Am in Oman since the last ten days. While Muscat has been the first overseas discovery for me (more about that later) what has made me very very aware of the fact that we all are, at the end of the day,very fragile beings is the book I have been reading, Unaccustomed Earth. The people who live abroad, their lives, their marriages, their journeys are just so, inexplicably, vulnerable. They have it all, they are happy too, but yet, the emotions captured by the author are just, so real, mundane and painful. Sigh.
Being far away away from the comfy confines of my own bed, my internet and my pet, things do seem bleaker, and being on a holiday, am not supposed to let such sentiments wash over me. Yet I do, roaming around today like a person who has been sad for years, my family not understanding why fiction does this to me so very often...

Getting back to reality, enjoying my first full blown vacation in years, almost feel like a schoolkid out during summer vacations. Didi trying her very best to feed me with as many exotic dishes as she can buy and cook, but I dont gain weight, lol!

The best part are the beaches, Al Shatti Beach, Qantab beach, gorgeous white sand and clean clean water which apparently no Indian has yet mannaged to pollute, given the strict rules this Sultanate works within. Could learn a thing or two..
Did I say the New Friends colony shawarmas look downright stupid now? The average Mallu owned coffee shop shawarma here is just so much better, deliciously sinful, and well, not upsetting the tummy even when had more than the usual..Bliss!

So, well, as is clear, am going from high to low to sad to elated as easily even on a vacation! Ah moodiness, my beloved friend...

More when I come back!

The Hangover!

Watched a crazy fuck movie, The Hangover. The movie has made me feel hilarious from the bottom of my being. Of course I am a drunk of the lowest order, I don’t remember most of my drinking sessions, the worst one being the day we celebrated Taniya’s birthday party. In the morning, there were cigarette marks on my arm and an earring missing and well I couldn’t remember how either had happened...

However, this movie has overtaken me, and then gone ahead at least to the next century by my standards. The four guys get so drunk and stoned, they don’t remember anything about their bachelor’s party the night before. In the morning, there is a tiger in the bathroom, a baby in the wardrobe, a hospital band on one of them, a broken tooth for the other, while the guy who is supposed to get married is simply gone, disappeared! They follow crazy clues, from the hospital to the Vegas wedding parlor where one apparently got married to a hooker, and from there to meet Mike Tyson whose tiger they had stolen later into their awesome night. They even have a naked chinky in their car trunk who turned out to be something of a mafia and demanded some bad ass money from them in lieu of their friend. They win blackjack in the casino and get the money but don’t get the right guy back from the thugs. Finally to realize where they had dropped him off!

It’s a completely funny movie, and I am ready to overlook the ample gross male naked behinds shown in the movie for the simply hilarious script! In the end, the wedding has a singer who sings, Welcome to the candy shop in the most seductively cheesy way ever!! Lol!

Classic daaru movie according to me, and God promise, if I am made of blue blood and vodka, I swear I will have one such effing party of my own before my wedding bells bellow!

A line by Allen: I am a loner who has a wolf pack within!

Humph!

I am at odds with my folks currently. Of course I am angelic to them most of the time, but there are times, when things snap. I try very hard not to react when they are cynical and critical about me, I even practice deep breathing. Having a temper that rises quite suddenly is not a virtue, and with parents, definitely not. Though I can get past arguing with people of my age, but call me orthodox, I still do not promote arguing with folks yet. And this is where I eat my words.

I have had to, on more than one occasion, raise my voice. And very toxic when it comes to pointing out the truth, it has hurt them manifold. They have shed tears and told me they hadn’t expected this etc etc. Things do become bitter when a family argues. It may start small, but inevitably, it takes up more people in its wake and it ends ugly. And that is the part I oh so hate about life.

When you are this close to people, and they just decide to rip you apart on a fine day, its just not fair. Its how that fairytale went, the evil king’s weakness was in the parrot so the hero went and killed the parrot. I know bad metaphor, I am not an evil king or anything, am just a very humane being with some weaknesses of my own. There should be a law that bars your family from picking out your choicest vulnerabilities in a fight. It is so.not.done!

Coming back to the reality of my life, am coming to work with self prepared food (bread and butter in short) and am also walking till my faraway bus stop instead of my father dropping me. Oh for the uninitiated, it is called EGO in my family. For the record, neither is he making an effort. Today he tried putting in an omlette in my tiffin box, but I simply went and took it out. I am not ready yet.

These are trying times, and I am very tired, mentally and physically. I don’t really need to give a reason or a measure as to how very much tired I am, but yeah, till things look up, I shall remain my grumpy self. Suits this effing weather, anyway..

A day to celebrate!

Feeling a sense of calmness and peace. Dont know why, but I guess it must have something to do with the fact that after an entire year, things look what they are..So much has been, that it is hard to believe such a day has come..

Of all things, have completed one year of writing a blog with fellow buddies, who are not always nearby..It has been difficult, but we have managed..I know we border on sarcasm and pure fun on most days, but that's what we are..And behind all that fun, we know where we stand in life, in each other's lives..Gives a lot of Hope, knowing you have friends..

A special thank you hug to Sriparna, a geeky 'pretty' frand in my life..Thanks for expressing 'purple coloured glasses' in a way I could have never etched in life..for being so different, and yet being so much in sync..to you!

The Harry Potter series have completed another movie, and with one more book to adapt, they will come to an end..sigh..First, I was waiting for the books, when they got over, I waited for the movies, and now they are coming to a close too...Does my childhood come to a closure with this? I dread the answers..
Life is like this, very slowly, the good parts come to an end..sometimes not that slowly though..and the bad parts, well, they come to an end too, just that they seem larger than life..or so it has been with me..

But am not complaining, am at peace, am just...discussing I guess..

Song am listening to right now: Hosh bekhabar se hue unke bagair..Wo jo humse keh na sake, dil ne keh diya...

Ideal date!

It was a fine place to meet, she had decided. After all, she had always imagined this. They guy whom she would love and marry, would have to like a few things about her being a Bengali. And on top of that list was theater, movies and some Kolkata street food. And this chance had come once in a blue moon. He had agreed to come to Kolkata finally, to meet her cousins and see her city. And she had asked him for a date in Academy, the haven of intellectuals, of artists, of painters, of students who debated on world issues over plates of chicken rolls. And yes, thats what she was there for. Chicken rolls. The tastiest ones ever made on earth are actually made right here, in the small kitchen canteen of Academy...Sigh..

They decided to meet at her place, and from there, she took him to Academy, in a bus and then in a taxi. Throughout the journey, she kept talking. Talking about how she came there as a kid, how she literally memorised why each place was famous, and how she wondered how she would be able to remember all these places all her life.He kept smiling and soaking in the flavour of the city. So unlike Delhi, so classic in its being, so very laid back in its attitude and so very rich in its legacy...He could see where she got all that varied hues from...

The taxi stopped in front of a very gloomy blue-grey coloured building, with a huge garden in the front. The garden had statues of all shapes and sizes in it. Most of them were black or grey in colour and they looked as if they had been taken out of some other era and put here in modern Kolkata.

"And this is it! Academy! My favorite place in Kolkata! My folks would bring me here everytime we came for vacations and make me watch atleast one bangla natok. I would be itching for it to end so that I could get to the best part."

"Which is?" he asked with some of her excitement rubbing onto him.

She smiled and took his hand and took a right from the entrance. They kept going inside to what looked like a lonely lane behind the huge building. While he started to think it was one of her kinky ideas, the scene suddenly burst to life. There were hundreds of people in front of a small dingy canteen. The canteen looked like some matchboxes had been put on top of each other. The walls were chipped, the paint was worse than gone. A thin man was at the counter, swiftly taking money and handing out round coupons in yellow, red, green...

He was so amazed by the sight of this little joint, he didnt realise that she wasnt beside him anymore.
"Dada, ekta chicken roll and duto alur chop, ar duto mirinda!" she shouted out. She turned back and gestured him to come towards her and take the coupons to the kitchen inside.

He edged across the crowd, took hold of the coupons from her slender hand and looked around, not knowing which way to head. Also there were too many non vegetarians around him for comfort. Thankfully, she returned by his side and together, they handed their coupons to the sweaty man behind the slab.

While she waited impatiently, he wondered, how different they could be..She was a non veg lover, dreaming of good fish curry on most of the days and demanding what she called 'kosha mangsho' on a good Sunday. And here he was, a Jain boy, who ate just to survive, good veg food with not much thought put into it. On dates, while she would ask for chicken sanwiches and donuts and ice teas, he would have a paneer puff or a spinach sanwich! And yet, there was love...

When the plates came, he was almost guiltily greedy towards the smell that came from the chicken roll in her plate. Very quickly, he took a bite of his alur chop and gulped some Mirinda. Yummy. All around him, people were eating, talking with mouths full and discussing what sounded like Rabindra Nath Tagore, Buddhadeb Bhattacharya, Marx and sunday's kosha mangsho. What a different clan were these Bengalis, he wondered...

She had sensed he was in his own world, thinking of something of great importance, and brought him back to reality by saying, "So you like Kolkata?"
And he waited sometime and said, "Very very much..I used to wonder why I love you, and now I am wondering why I love this city..And somehow, everything fits..."

Sleepy conversations!

Do you miss me?
No, I don’t. Duffer I miss you every freaking moment.
Then why on earth did we do what we did?
I guess we were acting smart, doing things to prove that there is more to us than just ‘us’.
And now we know that there isn’t?
Nope, now we know there is. Just that ‘us’ is the way we go about the rest of the things.
Hmm, interesting..
Ice tea?
Yes, I will make. You wait.
And how do you think I will have it?
Hmm, I suggest you come back just for the tea. Life can wait till morning.
Sigh, yes. By the way, I think I will come back. This just doesn’t feel right.
Really? Then you must!
Do you think we are taking a random decision, once again?
Yes, I think so. But what the heck! We are young, lets keep taking such decisions.
Then let me make a plan and come back. Then we will work out the rest of the things.
Yipee! I am letting you do something so foolish, but somehow, its not making me guilty at all!
Yes, we are behaving so OOC lately..
OOC?
Out of Character!
Hehehe, yes..why do you think we are?
Love, maybe?
Definitely!
Goodnight.
Night.

Surviving loneliness...

You know you realize certain things when they happen to you. Well, in the past few months, I have found out something for myself, much to my sadness. I cannot survive alone. Ya, I can hear some saintly creatures laugh out loud in their self confident manner and also some very independent women I know smirking. But that’s that.

And its not like I haven’t tried. I really have. Mom’s illness has made Dad be in the hospital for more than once and I have happily volunteered to take care of the house, promising a running household while the folks were away.

While 11pm came smoothly enough, it took a lot of courage to last till 12am. It was especially painful keeping a look out at the door for ghosts (who had nothing better to do than lurk in my house) around 2am when the eyes wanted to sleep or be donated to science. But I didn’t budge from my look out position on the couch. You see, our couch is strategically placed, it has a view of every other angle of the house, while your back is against a wall. So no chance of a ghost coming from behind. Perfect.

Managing to survive a night alone is all about strategy, especially if you are a chicken. You have to run all your errands on time, finish food, place your pet within an inch’s radius, and make your bed before you get paralysed by fear to go into other rooms in the house. Also, it is ideal if you finish your loo issues for good before retiring, and yes, do not have more water later into the night.

Tata sky is an absolute help on such days, they have an Active Darshan channel that has Sai baba from Shirdi, Siddhivinayak Ganeshji from Mumbai, Krishna from ISKCON and a God from South India whose name ends with ‘eshwar’ always live on your screen. And there are matching bhajans going on each screen, so the ghosts mainly stay at bay.

Watching movies is a good thing, but I have realized that every time I have been left alone at night, the movies coming on tv are inevitably of the creepy variety (Jaws, Psycho and some horror ones I refuse to name) That only makes living to see another day more difficult.

I make plans in my head of inviting friends for night stays, for maggi meals at home, of endless movie watching, of ordering Chinese, but well, most of the days in a week are weekdays (read dumb, I know) and people don’t really manage to participate in such plans, especially when they have work next day. So, its just me again. And my strategies, of course.

If at all, I do fall asleep in the wee hours of the morning, I am rudely awakened by the garbage man whose aim in life is to ask for kuda in the crassest voice in the earliest of hours, making it a great day to look ahead to.

So, I am awake by 6 in the morning with an hour more to go for getting up, and not knowing what to do. That is when I notice the cutest furball on earth, still lying there beside you, sleeping and snoring softly, peaceful and irrespective of the havoc created by the ghosts in my head at night.


When I pick him up and cuddle him into my covers and fall into a little nap till my alarm rings, that is the sleep fit for kings. That is one of the most beautiful things on earth.
That makes these nights worth it.

Loneliness is painful for those who don’t have a dog, I guess..

!!

And sometimes you simply need your sister around!

Life, Humbug!

Of hot days and depressing nights!

Had thought will update this blog everyday. Had even thought of calling it my journal (yea I know it sounds very Anne Frank, but well that’s how it works here!) but look how lazy I get. I see so many interesting people everyday and I just don’t end up writing about them. Shame on me.

Well, things have been very hectic lately. Gucci has fallen sick again and I rue the day I fell for his puppy eyes and gave him corn to eat. Its been 6 months and Gods don’t seem to be too kind to him. Of course, he heals in time, but now I live in a constant fear of you know what (cant even write it. Am shit scared.) He is a headstrong dog and he proves it time and again, but cant he just be silly and happy now? I am tired and sad about how he constantly struggles..The medicines, the madness at home is just, well..draining me.

Also, am going to Kolkata right before my birthday (no matter how sad it sounds :p ) for the simple reason that I dont want to be here all by myself. Nobody will be around, so it’s a strange orphan feeling that I want to escape. Will have a fun time with cousins and N. Or so I am hoping.

Like I always keep telling Anjali, I live on hope. Not because its cheesily optimistic, but because it is so much better in my head when I imagine things to be happy and lively, minus the hard realities of everyday. Of course, some dreams and hopeful stuff I think of are pure fantasy, but its ok. Even if they won’t happen, I wont be losing out on much. Because I will have in my head things-that-could-have-been. And that is way better than having known the mundane reality instead.

For instance, till yesterday, we didn’t have tickets for our trip. And while the whole system faltered, people thugged us by not refunding tickets that weren’t booked properly, and the family was basically in chaos, I always knew we would manage. I keep thinking we will manage. Since eternity, I live like this. Wonder if its foolish…But works for me..

Have been wishing for rain for so long now, have even written fiction about it, but nothing seems to be working. The heat makes me angrier than when KKR lost matches. This season just doesn’t seem to get better. Now that we have come to ‘my month’ hopefully things will change.

Starting with the weather.

Not just yet!

The song that played on the TV was from Dire Straits. So far away from me, so far I just cant see…She wondered why she had come to help him pack when she absolutely didn’t want him to go. Infact, the song just drove the point home. It was like begging her to react to the news.

Everybody had been asking her about how it felt to be on her own, without him in the city. She was trying to think up of answers, to sound politically correct or atleast honest. But she would give the vaguest answers like, ‘Well, one must do what one must do, its his dream, he must pursue it..’ and thought she had a winning statement.

But today was different. He indeed was leaving in the evening. And Dire Straits didn’t really help. Within a few seconds, tears rolled down her face and she knew this was the reaction people were expecting. Sniffing, she pretended to watch TV deeply when he came to the room and said, ‘Hey am almost done! But just cant find my charger..Help na..’

She didn’t answer.

‘Arre, whats up yaar? You came to help me pack? Now get up and look for…are you crying? Shit..’

He rushed to her and sat facing her. She sobbed heavily now and he kept asking her why she was crying (As if he didn’t really know). She now started crying and talking at the same time and told him how life was unfair, how being strong and letting him go was the stupidest thing ever, how she would leave the city and look for a job elsewhere just so that she could get back at people who left her…

‘You don’t want me to go today? Or anyday?’ he asked her in a voice that was almost like a man giving candy to a pre schooler.

She wondered. Go, he must. People shouldn’t be asked to stay just so that you are happy, people should live their dreams even if they may fail, there should be the knowing that they atleast tried. Life should not have regrets. We live just once and we must follow our passion. He had to pursue his, and as his lover, she was supposed to understand.

‘No you leave today. I had to end up crying I guess. Thought could handle it, but apparently, I cant. So go..’

He kissed her and got up to make a call. Came back and said, ‘Ok am not going today. Another week! And I will do it every time your nose runs like that when you cry!'

She was now smiling through her tears. He wanted to conquer the world, but as of now, things could wait. The world was here, in this moment..

A letter to the Vodka God!

Dear Mr. Smirnoff,
I am writing this letter to you after deep thought (and after feeling steadier since all that merry making). In the past, there have been other moments when I have thought of communicating all these things I feel with you, but at no time has the urge been so very much.
Actually, the main reason I wanted to write to you was for congratulating you for making such a wonderful thing as your branded vodka. I need to tell you that other than love, vodka is the only other thing that makes me feel this way. There are a few things I have realized while partying last Saturday with some of my friends and your fine drinks.

Yes, a dazzling, glazed effect takes place. Without an effort, I can tell the jerk he is a jerk and tell the cute guy that he is cute. Also, a slur develops, hence no words come out as words. They are all songs. I can sing, ‘I want to eeeeeat now..’ and everyone scampers to get the poor damsel a plate.
The mechanics of the body do not remain linear. Cant walk straight for the life of me. However, walking haphazard is fun too. You can dance with everyone because you cant stay in one place too long! Just that I hate the part when I ride on someone’s foot or vice versa!
There is this happiness. I don’t know where it comes from. It possibly couldn’t be because of things happening in my life because they are, well, just too real, if you know what I mean..So this happiness is almost surreal, out of the world. I even smile at people I hate..
The foodie even forgets about food…I can stay for long hours without eating, just keep bringing the drinks..
You even cry..You tend to get over emotional and cry when you try to speak of things that hold meaning in your life…You cry for friendships lost, you cry for love lost, you basically cry for everything remotely hurting you…
When I get back home, I feel like having gallons of water, I feel totally parched and rummaging through the fridge for cold water only makes my parents more suspicious..They wonder if the swagger and the thirst for plain water add up to something fishy..But I tell them clearly, ‘I am not drunk if that’s what you are thinking Dad!’
Sleepless nights. I just don’t seem to get a good sleep thereafter, the night becomes one big cassette that keeps rewinding and forwarding the entire time I was partying and being merry. Who said you sleep like a log when you are drunk??
Hunger strikes around 3am on an average. And on that given moment, I can get up and look for food even without my glasses! Talk about superpowers! So ya, Mr. Smirnoff, your drink is almost like amrit in this regard…However, cant get the right food or eat, as my folks (esp my imsomniac Ma) will find it just a wee bit suspicious..again.
The next day is what you call a ‘passing phase’…this day was created so that people like us can get back to their two feet, and start feeling worthy of doing other things like watching TV, sharing normal conversations with the family etc..This day is best suited to be a Sunday…Also, friends start calling, from the noon time though, to tell you things you did last night, to share the humiliation with you..You feel no shame with these friends, cos they are in it with you…

In all, Mr.Smirnoff, life is a whole deal better for the beverage you produce. If it wasn’t for vodka, we would just be slaves working in huge companies and living lives of the plainest kinds..You bring forth our animality and creativity, which stay subdued otherwise…I thank you, and I promise you to carry on with the tradition of livening things up everytime I am in the company of like minded friends and your fine vodka.

Love,
High spirited girl :)

Laziness is thy name!

Mintu has gone to the North-East to spend a blissful week with folks. She will be getting me tons of hilly dog pictures, and apparently momos too (but I doubt I will be having them, incase she is not kidding about getting such a perishable item from so far)So I am all on my own in the office. Not totally alone, there is Sing Song but I am really better off.

So many things I plan out for the weekend, but end up doing just about one fourth of all that. I am a shame in the name of the once OCD freak that I was. Used to place things in neat angles, and wash hands after I spoke to someone I didn't like. Now, I pretend it’s alright in any case and go about life. And the one that suffers is me own self. While objects and material possessions are still taken good care of, I am not doing a lot of things I should be actually. Meeting up friends is the worst hit in the schedule.

When the weekend approaches, I am raring to go with twenty plans in my head. I want to meet each and every friend of mine. Come Saturday and Sunday, and I end up doing chores at home and then watching a new movie from my pen drive. Then watching IPL also is quite an addiction, Lalit Modi, you really shouldn't have.. and finally surrendering to the Monday that lies ahead. Oh why!? Why do I don't go out and revel in the outside sun a bit? Why don't I meet up friends (who will soon be called ex-friends if I don't buck up) What is it that makes me so bloody laid back!? Ofcourse, there is work at home lately and I cant complain about that, but what there after?

I need to jot down points in favour of and against my laziness. Argh!
In favor:
I get to while away time
Time with Gucci at home
No physical work
No heat or dust or dreaded public transport
Less temptations regarding food
TV!!

Against:
A lot of malls have opened
Friends buy new stuff (and I don't)
You get momos outside only!
Might have no friends left soon!

So yeah, it seems balanced as of now..Will have to delve deeper to get my priorities further straightened up..As of now, the scales seem fine..
Its time for another weekend..tsk tsk..

Being 'friends'

Well, the fact that Kolkata is losing every other match doesn't help. It is also very hot. So I cant even emote (read cry) because I sweat like mad. Disgruntled, I go for philosophical meetings and am asked why I stay serious. Now, being serious is really not my domain. So I must really be looking horrible if I give the idea that am serious. So I have decided I need to go to the beauty parlour a little more religiously. Women gotta do what women gotta do. After didi left India, it seems I have given up the idea of going to the parlour altogether. Even the parlour staff grin and chuckle when I enter nowadays. Having a fashion conscious didi had more advantages than I thought..

So, met this school friend (who has stayed a friend since then, only that I haven't spoken to her in between for a couple of years) in my Buddhism meets, and well, she hasn't changed. Over the edge, hyper and jumping words, sentences and everything else. Laughing before the joke gets over, guessing about a relationship before its happened and gossiping before the news is even out, all this and more. You would understand if someone would want to maintain his or her distance from her. While I have tried, being a school friend has only meant that there is no escape. Common friends, good ol' school days and now Buddhism, I have succumbed.

Have to meet her daily now, and she does a weird thing. She doesn't speak to me when I am physically present, but smses me as soon as I get back home. Also chats on gtalk and mails and phones. Today, I had to ask. "Why don't you talk in person?"
She tells me, "Am scared, I might say something, and you might make fun of me or hurt me in front of others. Remember how you bashed me up for gossiping about you three years back? So I measure myself before you."
Great.

So, I basically don’t feel good about myself right now. Though I know I bashed her up for the right reasons, I didn’t know it would make that big an impact in her life. I guess some are born with confidence while some are just not. And it is sad sometimes being superior or whatever it is that I am according to her, while she is such a sheep.

Tomorrow, we are doing a skit together where we are playing friends. I really hope it translates into real life. Or well, we will remain what we are now. Sad examples of friends.

Blast from the past!

Shabby's mother suddenly fell sick. Had a cerebral attack and got admitted to a big hospital. Now, I am very clear about how I feel for Shabby. I have decided to give him 10 percent of all the friendship I am capable of, because that is about as much as he deserves. If his parents weren’t that good, probably it would have been a 5 percent, if even that. His mother, I really like. And that is the reason I didn't give it a second thought when I heard of her poor state. I rushed in my office bus and reached the hospital, only to find my friends at the entrance itself, including my "kind of best friend of once upon a time".

All our life, we had a chemistry we couldn't describe, and then a time came when we both became available and finally took a lunge at having what we call a relationship, only to fall flat on our faces. While the chemistry was still what art movies are made of, the reality part hit us hard. He wasn't ready to trust girls yet (given he was still hurting from the bitch who had hurt him 7 years back) and I wasn’t ready to give into demands just yet (of not talking to people who were my ex or otherwise) So it ended up sad, nasty and abusive (on his part) he found more reason to not trust girls when I finally decided it was enough for both of us. It was becoming a real art film, where the audience didn’t know why the couple had issues. Just that, here, I myself didn’t know what was the issue.

Coming back to yesterday, we both crossed each other's path like total strangers. He was leaving, and I was heading towards the hospital. Our common friends waited for something to happen, good bad I don’t know. They just expect things from us, I don't know why. But nothing really happened. I joined the rest of the gang, while he left in his car. I wondered how many gaalis he gave me on the way, now that my memories had become fresh in his mind again.
Sigh.

Aunty had a great operation, and I thanked the Gods up there. She really is full of life, such people don't look good on hospital beds. The evening in the hospital did seem to make me go back in the past. I missed his friendship, of all it was worth. Wish love hadn’t scarred it. Love is anyways such a bitch. The intellectual crap we could go on and on about, was like coffee. Gave me a kick, the evenings were fun..Am sure my emotions were echoed by him too. Just that now, things were so cold, strange, almost adult.

All our lives, we wait till we are given the chance to make our own decisions, act old. Now that we have our chance, look what we do with them! Life keeps teaching us stuff, I wonder when we pass…

Welcome aboard!

This is much like a diary, only because its way easier to maintain than the diaries I once wrote on..Will update my life, on a daily basis..Wanted to call this blog CR Park times or something like that, but the name would be a little tabloid-ish…Plus it wouldn’t do justice to the emotions I have towards this locality, where I have spent 15 long years..The people here deserve a special mention for making me what I am (or possibly what I never wanted to be) Some incidents, some people even deserve a standing ovation..You will soon know why!

Trust me, this gets interesting!